For as long as I can remember...

For as long as I can remember I have had MD although I didn't know its name until 8 months ago. I was on a study abroad trip in an attempt to pull a Walter Mitty, I got on the topic of daydreaming somehow with another girl there and it turned out she has it too. She told me what it was called and what hers is like and stuff. The difference was she fully loved that she had it and I have lived in endless guilt and shame over it for years. Anyway we talked a little, but I was so freaked out about this realization that I completely shut down and regret to say didn't stay in touch. I can remember being as young as 5 and always having imaginary people around me that I created to keep me company I didn't have many friends, but I was always conscious that they were not real It wasn't that big of a deal when I was a kid because me and my siblings would often play pretend like getting stranded on an island or being famous singers or something so it seemed normal, but I guess what wasn't normal was just how real I could make them and how I often never left them. When I would play with my siblings all of us would talk out loud and act out conversations with imaginary people that we created. as we got older they grew out of it and I never stopped. but besides playing with my siblings I would have my own secret imaginary world that I never told anyone about and this Is when I would pace and whisper and stuff. another thing I always felt ashamed about was my personal imaginary stories where always romances, I watched a lot of Disney movies and stuff and I deeply wanted some prince charming to fall madly in love with me. its weird now for me to look back because in my head I wasn't a 6 year old pretending a grown adult fell in love with me I genuinely would feel like I was grown up to and we were going to live happily ever after. The older I got the more detailed the worlds become I would come up with supporting characters and real plots. I have heard some people can keep the same daydreams going for a long time but I burn through them so quickly usually about a week so I am always in emotional turmoil because once I leave a daydream I usually never return. So I'm left grieving over the loss of an imaginary boyfriend, but it would feel like a real breakup. only a couple of times when I'm really hurting will I get so stuck in one and it will last a month or two those are the hardest ones to leave but I force myself too because I'm scared of getting trapped. because of all this I had convinced myself I was crazy and that no one would ever love me if they found out about this. I also struggle with relationships because when it comes to an imaginary person you can control the conversation and how that person feels and you can read their thoughts because you are creating their thoughts. I have gone through cycle after cycle of trying to quit but I always relapse, music is always a trigger and if I watch a movie or something that I don't like the ending I cant process my feelings well so I just create the world and fix it to make me feel better for example (spoiler alert) the death at the end of new star wars movie really bothered me so I just inserted myself into that world and my actions changed the outcome. I should say that except for a few times I always play myself in these worlds I used to use my middle name for years but then I was worried I was going to have multiple personalities or something so I switched to using my first name. So as you can see I have some control I never act them out if people are around but I will still be in them. at this point I feel like I will never escape because its a viscous cycle my daydreams prevent me from living life or meeting people but I need them to help me cope with the loneliness I've never been close with anyone and no prince is coming, to my knowledge no guy has ever liked me. I lost my job a couple of months ago and flunked out of college. so I have nothing that gives me a forced snap back into reality anymore. my mom asks me how I can go a week without leaving the house and basically my room but that's because I'm not in my room I'm far away in a place that makes me happy in the moment but miserable long term. I've lost the strength to even attempt quitting but somethings got to give at least that what I keep telling myself. I do have a therapist though I've only been seeing her for about a month and I'm scared to bring this up its so complicated I don't know how to start so for now I just talk with her about the depression and social anxiety that I deal with but I feel like those are just the symptoms of MD or maybe its vice versa. 

Anyway I know this was long but I've never really shared the truth with anyone idk if anyone is even going to read this but it feels good to talk about it, I would like to be clear I understand if there are people who are happy having MD and have no desire to stop you probably have healthier daydreams then me, because nothing traumatic has ever happened to me I create really dark stories to explain why I have so much pain inside, and to each their own but personally it has taken over my whole life so I feel like I want to stop I don't know if I can because I have like no coping skills.

I have also never used a forum before so I don't know if I'm doing this right