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Post by tinyalien on Apr 3, 2020 3:40:51 GMT
It's been a while since I've been on here and I'm just going to say my piece and then hopefully a discussion will follow. I've been MDDing since I can remember and I haven't had much urges to daydream or even listen to music anymore. I say 'anymore' lightly because I have moments of regression where I have an urge but snap out of it before even one song ends. I also still at moments catch myself walking in circles and talking but again, that lasts for 5 minuets max before I can refocus and continue to do whatever it is I stood up to do in the first place. I'm  what every ones opinions on this will be but this has happened TO ME though spiritual practices and spiritual philosophy. I assure everyone here that spirituality has nothing to do with believing in anything nor believing in a man in the sky that judges us. ( and if you do believe in such things and/or have christian values or any other I am in no way saying that you're wrong or bad nor could I or would I judge you based on your beliefs) I know from reading this forum that their are many atheists as well. I bring this up only because I know the word spirituality comes with many different cogitation. Anyways, My spiritual journey has been long and hard. I can write a novel for days about the amount of thing I've learned about myself but I'm not here to do that. I'm here just in case maybe ONE person see's this and it sparks in them something that they've maybe had as a lurking thought. The truth is it's hard and it's changing me in every way. I can say about 80% ( if a percentage could even measure something like this) of my self-destructive behaviors has went away. Just fallen off me. I can't even drink coffee anymore. I've become too sensitive to caffeine. All toxic friendships have fallen off, I don't party anymore because my interest is not there anymore. Not that partying and having a good time is negative but just at this time in my life things like clubbing have fallen off my interest because I can now see what is really happening there and why and I prefer close relationships, intimacy and genuine connection. I am barely interest in any conversation honestly. Because I've learned that nothing being said in most day to day conversations are real or new. But just patterns vomited out through mass media advertising and then repeated and copied by the masses. TV shows & music for the most part don't interest me anymore. If fact the falling away of all these things have left me quiet hallow and lonely. I know deeply that all this is good. I still have anxiety which has felt worse now & Yesterday I had the worst panic attack of my life. Now how can I say I dont MDD but I'm having Panic Attacks and so how is spirituality a good thing? Because everything about myself that was a lie or a coping mechanism to distract myself from life and my childhood traumas have fallen away. I'm Wildly aware of everything I do and think. I am no longer on autopilot. After all these coping mechanisms disperse the real issues come to the surface. And it does for one reason : to face them. Facing your traumas at their core and letting them burn away...HURTS.It hurts bad. I can't sleep most nights, I have anxiety and panic attacks. but I don't view them has part of me. I view them now as just a moment and I always get through them. They come to the surface in order to face the unbelievable pain I've been running from my whole life. So I can get past them. It's not something I recommend doing alone so If you can just have one person who cares who can help you during the hardest moments. Keep them close. I used to take medication to help me sleep. I can't do that anymore either. I just feel it too much in body and I don't like how dizzy and dehydrated it makes me feel. Thing's I've been doing for years my body is rejecting because I am now connected to something that does not need it to get through it. I have realized it is not by looking away, or hiding, or avoiding pain that will TRULY change my life in the way that I want it to, but facing the pain is what will change into my purpose and into strength. No one else close to me is going though a spiritual journey and in most cases people will go through it alone. I do have people in my life I can turn to who care for me but not one that can see that mental illness is not what it seems. It is usually people whose souls are guiding them towards a deep rest that we like to call depressed. A deep rested from the characters we play, the roles we play, the masks we wear. All of which is not who we truly are. Everything you've experienced, saw, said, over heard, touched... everything in your life has been downloaded into your mind in order to form a personality and a perspective of the world and yourself. Your mind decides who you're going to be based off the past in order to protect you from hurt and pain yet causing pain itself as it constantly assumes all the same bad things will enviably happen again and again. Causing them to happen again and again in your own perspective. Constantly reverting to the past to come up with the biggest defense in the present in order to calculate some better future. Which means all your behaviors and thoughts are coming from a place of fear. An endless cycle of fear. You see your mind is an organ. Just like your heart pumps oxygen and blood to your veins, and your lungs filter air and carbon, your mind judges and analyzes information. Your mind forms thought. That's what that organ does. It's basing your life off the past which doesn't exist except as another thought in your mind, and trying to form a future idea which is just another thought in your mind. but how do we know this? How do we know that the mind is doing this? could you say you know it because you're aware that it's doing that? and if so what comes first. The thought or the awareness of it. With the risk of sounding like a spiritual nut, I had to say all this. That you are more than an idea, you are more than your thoughts, you are more than a person with Manipulative daydreaming disorder. In fact it is your amazing superpower. It is what's guiding you to be yourself. and their is nothing that you need, theirs nothing that you need to become. You are already complete. You are already whole. Lastly, I am not saying that it won't be hard nor a struggle. I am still working through it all. But It is all about how I decide to view what's happening to me that will decide where it leads me. and I decide where my attention goes. Just yesterday I had a panic attack that had me convinced I was about to die. And today I've realized that my consciousness has entered the cocoon. And is now preparing me to reemerge as the butterfly. I am here to learn and play. Once a Caterpillar enters the cocoon it cannot go back to being a caterpillar. It is okay to break down. Everything breaks down in order to evolve. |
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Post by someone on Apr 11, 2020 6:18:06 GMT
I read this all. It was beautiful. yet how to apply it, or if I would, but it's really something amazing, and I'm glad I have this moment in which I am able to appreciate, admire, and value it. Thank you tinyalien. |
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Post by Bluejay on Apr 16, 2020 18:55:16 GMT
Hi. It's amazing what you have achieved, it's really good to hear.
If I may, what made you turn to spirituality? How do you practice spiritual philosophy?
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Post by tinyalien on Apr 23, 2020 1:42:34 GMT
I read this all. It was beautiful. yet how to apply it, or if I would, but it's really something amazing, and I'm glad I have this moment in which I am able to appreciate, admire, and value it. Thank you tinyalien. Start with learning about yourself. meditation, ask youtube questions about how you feel or what you think about and add spirituality to your search. Pay attention to yourself in each moment. Remember that the past and future are thoughts in the mind.What are you doing ,  about, feeling right now. The more you pay attention to each individual step your taking in each moment the more likely you are to be yourself & create your own life. In order to make the choices in each moment that will give you a better future. |
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Post by tinyalien on Apr 23, 2020 1:55:36 GMT
Hi. It's amazing what you have achieved, it's really good to hear. If I may, what made you turn to spirituality? How do you practice spiritual philosophy? Spirituality is almost a contradiction. Its extremely simple, yet complicated. In fact,nothing can be what it is without being its opposite just as down would mean nothing if there was no up. Their would be no need for the word happiness if sadness didn't exist. back/front - left/right. You can't have one without the other. Spirituality came to me naturally. I've spent a large part of my 20's just wanting to be accepted. Doing things I shouldn't do and making choices that lead me nowhere except disappointed in myself and not taking care of myself. I started looking around at how everyone just wanted money, to be attractive, success and all of those things were just idea's that someone told us we had to value. If we don't want to live the lives celebrities with paper (money) and fame and beauty then we were failures in society. The people at the top who had money and resources had access to better health care and better lives while the workers struggled. All these ideas would go through my mind and i started to wonder who am I? what is life all about? why are we here? what is real and what is not? Places to start: meditation, Youtube (Eckhart Tolle, Mooji), books on spirituality and consciousness. the past and future are thoughts in the mind. ask yourself all the time What are you doing ?, about? how are you feeling right now and why (dont say idk, you always know why) The more you pay attention to each individual step your taking in each moment the more likely you are to be yourself & create your own life. In order to make the choices in each moment that will give you a better future. Pay attention to yourself. who are you at the core? once you remove all concepts and ideas, and names, and personality traits that was formed based other factors experiences ideas and concepts as well as being who you need to be in order to not feel rejected. why are you the way you are? study yourself. Who are you if everything about you were just idea's that weren't true just made up words and concepts that pointed to things? find out!! |
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Post by dare2dream on Apr 23, 2020 18:49:30 GMT
tinyalien whatever you have written is so effing relatable. i had a happy and carefree childhood xcept when i was 16 i was sexually abused by my brother and i think i was traumatised but not ready to accept whatever had happened. I have always been a bit sentimental since childhood. The downward spiral began when I performed poorly in my high school exams and got admitted to a mediocre college. I would panic in a quiet manner and too much responsibility or pressure always made me nervous.after i failed in 2 semesters I decided to go for counselling . My mother had been pestering me for a long time to seek psychological help but I was stubborn and thought I could handle it myself. My biggest problem was I didn't know what my problem was. After a week of therapy which included bursting into tears without any reason and telling the counselor whatever was on my mind starting from the tiniest event from the past I found out that I was very much mentally troubled than I had thought. The sexual abuse had broken my trust and I drew up imaginary walls around me. On the front I was cheerful , but inside I suspected anyone in front of numerous times. I indulged in daydreaming as an escape from reality where I had my imaginary boyfriend who loved me unconditionally. Real life events , locations , settings influence the daydreams and if I were to write a script , it could be produced into a full fledged movie. I wanted to daydream more than anything else in life . My attention wavered , I procrastinated and my academics suffered.i kept forgetting tasks, did them halfway and had no interest in talking to anyone , didn't listen to music , didn't read. Whenever I watched a movie , certain dialogues propelled my daydreaming and whenever I was out with friends , I daydreamed . My facial expressions would change and if any handsome guy caught my attention , he was to be the next character in my daydream . I was aware that I dreamed and I loved every bit of it. I couldn't sleep at night because I spent every moment dreaming. I was the star in my daydreams , I was the most amazing , beautiful person anyone had ever laid eyes on and I was very irritated if anyone disturbed me. I was still going to therapy and one day an invitation to a party came. I went with my bestie and it was pretty good a start . But then she drifted away to talk to others and I kept sipping drinks one after another. Everyone loved my drunk self ; the witty remarks , the sarcastic comebacks added fuel to the social fire. But then I realized i was getting emotional and I went to the washroom to throw up and cried like I had never in all my life . My life was flashing before me ; the night of the abuse, the poor grades , the disappointment in my parents faces , and all the self hate . I was a wreck when I went back home and my mother was furious. She didn't know about the abuse.i somehow called my father and asked him to read the diary in which I had written down every detail. I sobered up the next day and vowed that I would not drink and try to become a better person .MY father took me out to dinner and said that he had confidence in me and believed in me. I stared at him confused and he said that I could overcome my problems if I wanted to and knew how to. That day marked my first step into the spiritual world. I prayed everyday , meditated , engaged myself in mentally nourishing activities. I learned Mandarin Chinese and my grades improved. I graduated with good marks and began to love myself. I was all set to pursue a postgraduate degree in China when the Coronavirus struck and my plans were again derailed.staying at home and unable to go out , I have again began daydreaming and this time I decided to reach out and find help again and thus here I am :/.
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Post by Bluejay on Apr 24, 2020 10:00:58 GMT
Hi. It's amazing what you have achieved, it's really good to hear. If I may, what made you turn to spirituality? How do you practice spiritual philosophy? Spirituality is almost a contradiction. Its extremely simple, yet complicated. In fact,nothing can be what it is without being its opposite just as down would mean nothing if there was no up. Their would be no need for the word happiness if sadness didn't exist. back/front - left/right. You can't have one without the other. Spirituality came to me naturally. I've spent a large part of my 20's just wanting to be accepted. Doing things I shouldn't do and making choices that lead me nowhere except disappointed in myself and not taking care of myself. I started looking around at how everyone just wanted money, to be attractive, success and all of those things were just idea's that someone told us we had to value. If we don't want to live the lives celebrities with paper (money) and fame and beauty then we were failures in society. The people at the top who had money and resources had access to better health care and better lives while the workers struggled. All these ideas would go through my mind and i started to wonder who am I? what is life all about? why are we here? what is real and what is not? Places to start: meditation, Youtube (Eckhart Tolle, Mooji), books on spirituality and consciousness. the past and future are thoughts in the mind. ask yourself all the time What are you doing ?, about? how are you feeling right now and why (dont say idk, you always know why) The more you pay attention to each individual step your taking in each moment the more likely you are to be yourself & create your own life. In order to make the choices in each moment that will give you a better future. Pay attention to yourself. who are you at the core? once you remove all concepts and ideas, and names, and personality traits that was formed based other factors experiences ideas and concepts as well as being who you need to be in order to not feel rejected. why are you the way you are? study yourself. Who are you if everything about you were just idea's that weren't true just made up words and concepts that pointed to things? find out!! That's very interesting. I'm if I'll be able to take this road but I'm happy it worked for you. The tone of your writing makes me think spirituality has made you very confident and motivated, and that is amazing! Self analysis is the key to improvement and living your truth which I do feel is essential. Thank you for sharing. |
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Post by Bluejay on Apr 24, 2020 10:13:15 GMT
tinyalien whatever you have written is so effing relatable. i had a happy and carefree childhood xcept when i was 16 i was sexually abused by my brother and i think i was traumatised but not ready to accept whatever had happened. I have always been a bit sentimental since childhood. The downward spiral began when I performed poorly in my high school exams and got admitted to a mediocre college. I would panic in a quiet manner and too much responsibility or pressure always made me nervous.after i failed in 2 semesters I decided to go for counselling . My mother had been pestering me for a long time to seek psychological help but I was stubborn and thought I could handle it myself. My biggest problem was I didn't know what my problem was. After a week of therapy which included bursting into tears without any reason and telling the counselor whatever was on my mind starting from the tiniest event from the past I found out that I was very much mentally troubled than I had thought. The sexual abuse had broken my trust and I drew up imaginary walls around me. On the front I was cheerful , but inside I suspected anyone in front of numerous times. I indulged in daydreaming as an escape from reality where I had my imaginary boyfriend who loved me unconditionally. Real life events , locations , settings influence the daydreams and if I were to write a script , it could be produced into a full fledged movie. I wanted to daydream more than anything else in life . My attention wavered , I procrastinated and my academics suffered.i kept forgetting tasks, did them halfway and had no interest in talking to anyone , didn't listen to music , didn't read. Whenever I watched a movie , certain dialogues propelled my daydreaming and whenever I was out with friends , I daydreamed . My facial expressions would change and if any handsome guy caught my attention , he was to be the next character in my daydream . I was aware that I dreamed and I loved every bit of it. I couldn't sleep at night because I spent every moment dreaming. I was the star in my daydreams , I was the most amazing , beautiful person anyone had ever laid eyes on and I was very irritated if anyone disturbed me. I was still going to therapy and one day an invitation to a party came. I went with my bestie and it was pretty good a start . But then she drifted away to talk to others and I kept sipping drinks one after another. Everyone loved my drunk self ; the witty remarks , the sarcastic comebacks added fuel to the social fire. But then I realized i was getting emotional and I went to the washroom to throw up and cried like I had never in all my life . My life was flashing before me ; the night of the abuse, the poor grades , the disappointment in my parents faces , and all the self hate . I was a wreck when I went back home and my mother was furious. She didn't know about the abuse.i somehow called my father and asked him to read the diary in which I had written down every detail. I sobered up the next day and vowed that I would not drink and try to become a better person .MY father took me out to dinner and said that he had confidence in me and believed in me. I stared at him confused and he said that I could overcome my problems if I wanted to and knew how to. That day marked my first step into the spiritual world. I prayed everyday , meditated , engaged myself in mentally nourishing activities. I learned Mandarin Chinese and my grades improved. I graduated with good marks and began to love myself. I was all set to pursue a postgraduate degree in China when the Coronavirus struck and my plans were again derailed.staying at home and unable to go out , I have again began daydreaming and this time I decided to reach out and find help again and thus here I am :/. I relate to you a lot. I started MDing when I was very little and wasn't a social success but then it started fading when I had a few friends and at the same time I also started becoming comfortable with being in solitude a lot. But then I was abused at an age where I don't know about most but at least I didn't know what had happened and was just confused. Until this I used to be very confident so I convinced myself that I didn't need help and that if I just ignore it and go on then it'll all be okay but now I think it changed everything. Even I didn't realize until recently that this was when my MD became prominent and when I started losing all my self confidence, became conscious and skeptical, and my school performance also lowered. So, I guess I'm trying to say I'm sorry to hear about this but I empathize with you. I think you're very brave and it's good to hear that you're doing well now. I hope the situation clears soon, best of luck! |
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Marcydel
Junior Daydreamer
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Post by Marcydel on Apr 24, 2020 17:41:49 GMT
Thanks for sharing, your post was absolutely beautiful! Good luck with what you’re going through, though it doesn’t sound easy or simple.
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Post by dare2dream on Apr 25, 2020 11:17:34 GMT
tinyalien whatever you have written is so effing relatable. i had a happy and carefree childhood xcept when i was 16 i was sexually abused by my brother and i think i was traumatised but not ready to accept whatever had happened. I have always been a bit sentimental since childhood. The downward spiral began when I performed poorly in my high school exams and got admitted to a mediocre college. I would panic in a quiet manner and too much responsibility or pressure always made me nervous.after i failed in 2 semesters I decided to go for counselling . My mother had been pestering me for a long time to seek psychological help but I was stubborn and thought I could handle it myself. My biggest problem was I didn't know what my problem was. After a week of therapy which included bursting into tears without any reason and telling the counselor whatever was on my mind starting from the tiniest event from the past I found out that I was very much mentally troubled than I had thought. The sexual abuse had broken my trust and I drew up imaginary walls around me. On the front I was cheerful , but inside I suspected anyone in front of numerous times. I indulged in daydreaming as an escape from reality where I had my imaginary boyfriend who loved me unconditionally. Real life events , locations , settings influence the daydreams and if I were to write a script , it could be produced into a full fledged movie. I wanted to daydream more than anything else in life . My attention wavered , I procrastinated and my academics suffered.i kept forgetting tasks, did them halfway and had no interest in talking to anyone , didn't listen to music , didn't read. Whenever I watched a movie , certain dialogues propelled my daydreaming and whenever I was out with friends , I daydreamed . My facial expressions would change and if any handsome guy caught my attention , he was to be the next character in my daydream . I was aware that I dreamed and I loved every bit of it. I couldn't sleep at night because I spent every moment dreaming. I was the star in my daydreams , I was the most amazing , beautiful person anyone had ever laid eyes on and I was very irritated if anyone disturbed me. I was still going to therapy and one day an invitation to a party came. I went with my bestie and it was pretty good a start . But then she drifted away to talk to others and I kept sipping drinks one after another. Everyone loved my drunk self ; the witty remarks , the sarcastic comebacks added fuel to the social fire. But then I realized i was getting emotional and I went to the washroom to throw up and cried like I had never in all my life . My life was flashing before me ; the night of the abuse, the poor grades , the disappointment in my parents faces , and all the self hate . I was a wreck when I went back home and my mother was furious. She didn't know about the abuse.i somehow called my father and asked him to read the diary in which I had written down every detail. I sobered up the next day and vowed that I would not drink and try to become a better person .MY father took me out to dinner and said that he had confidence in me and believed in me. I stared at him confused and he said that I could overcome my problems if I wanted to and knew how to. That day marked my first step into the spiritual world. I prayed everyday , meditated , engaged myself in mentally nourishing activities. I learned Mandarin Chinese and my grades improved. I graduated with good marks and began to love myself. I was all set to pursue a postgraduate degree in China when the Coronavirus struck and my plans were again derailed.staying at home and unable to go out , I have again began daydreaming and this time I decided to reach out and find help again and thus here I am :/. I relate to you a lot. I started MDing when I was very little and wasn't a social success but then it started fading when I had a few friends and at the same time I also started becoming comfortable with being in solitude a lot. But then I was abused at an age where I don't know about most but at least I didn't know what had happened and was just confused. Until this I used to be very confident so I convinced myself that I didn't need help and that if I just ignore it and go on then it'll all be okay but now I think it changed everything. Even I didn't realize until recently that this was when my MD became prominent and when I started losing all my self confidence, became conscious and skeptical, and my school performance also lowered. So, I guess I'm trying to say I'm sorry to hear about this but I empathize with you. I think you're very brave and it's good to hear that you're doing well now. I hope the situation clears soon, best of luck! I hope you are doing well and if not then you will someday . Take care and lots of love. |
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Post by tinyalien on Apr 29, 2020 23:09:50 GMT
tinyalien whatever you have written is so effing relatable. i had a happy and carefree childhood xcept when i was 16 i was sexually abused by my brother and i think i was traumatised but not ready to accept whatever had happened. I have always been a bit sentimental since childhood. The downward spiral began when I performed poorly in my high school exams and got admitted to a mediocre college. I would panic in a quiet manner and too much responsibility or pressure always made me nervous.after i failed in 2 semesters I decided to go for counselling . My mother had been pestering me for a long time to seek psychological help but I was stubborn and thought I could handle it myself. My biggest problem was I didn't know what my problem was. After a week of therapy which included bursting into tears without any reason and telling the counselor whatever was on my mind starting from the tiniest event from the past I found out that I was very much mentally troubled than I had thought. The sexual abuse had broken my trust and I drew up imaginary walls around me. On the front I was cheerful , but inside I suspected anyone in front of numerous times. I indulged in daydreaming as an escape from reality where I had my imaginary boyfriend who loved me unconditionally. Real life events , locations , settings influence the daydreams and if I were to write a script , it could be produced into a full fledged movie. I wanted to daydream more than anything else in life . My attention wavered , I procrastinated and my academics suffered.i kept forgetting tasks, did them halfway and had no interest in talking to anyone , didn't listen to music , didn't read. Whenever I watched a movie , certain dialogues propelled my daydreaming and whenever I was out with friends , I daydreamed . My facial expressions would change and if any handsome guy caught my attention , he was to be the next character in my daydream . I was aware that I dreamed and I loved every bit of it. I couldn't sleep at night because I spent every moment dreaming. I was the star in my daydreams , I was the most amazing , beautiful person anyone had ever laid eyes on and I was very irritated if anyone disturbed me. I was still going to therapy and one day an invitation to a party came. I went with my bestie and it was pretty good a start . But then she drifted away to talk to others and I kept sipping drinks one after another. Everyone loved my drunk self ; the witty remarks , the sarcastic comebacks added fuel to the social fire. But then I realized i was getting emotional and I went to the washroom to throw up and cried like I had never in all my life . My life was flashing before me ; the night of the abuse, the poor grades , the disappointment in my parents faces , and all the self hate . I was a wreck when I went back home and my mother was furious. She didn't know about the abuse.i somehow called my father and asked him to read the diary in which I had written down every detail. I sobered up the next day and vowed that I would not drink and try to become a better person .MY father took me out to dinner and said that he had confidence in me and believed in me. I stared at him confused and he said that I could overcome my problems if I wanted to and knew how to. That day marked my first step into the spiritual world. I prayed everyday , meditated , engaged myself in mentally nourishing activities. I learned Mandarin Chinese and my grades improved. I graduated with good marks and began to love myself. I was all set to pursue a postgraduate degree in China when the Coronavirus struck and my plans were again derailed.staying at home and unable to go out , I have again began daydreaming and this time I decided to reach out and find help again and thus here I am :/. Thank you for sharing. I just want to start out by saying that nothing that has happened to you is your fault. I know it's easy to know that on a logical level, but feeling it can be hard. Going back in your mind what could have been or what you should have done with a child mind - now through the lens of an adult mind - just isn't being fair to yourself and really isn't helpful for you. Nothing that has triggered any of us to develop this coping mechanism was any of our faults! we were children. Beautiful, innocent, creative, vulnerable children and we went on with day to day "This is just life" . But as we become adults we bury it or put these things aside except our brains still knows its there. Their is nothing wrong with you! you are perfect and doing great ( I promise). We are always our biggest critics and often its hard for us to see ourselves as we truly are which is flawless. Everything that you think is wrong with you was just an idea told to you and forced upon you either by family generational ideas or societies ideas which was told over hundreds of years but that is all they are. Idea's, perspectives being passed along and you're told to believe it. You're not a failure in any way shape or form. Things will work out in your favor. Trust it. Lastly, in terms of the MDDing goes. I don't feel the need to do it 90% of the time. but sometimes I have nothing to do and I'll LET myself pace for a song and daydream. Or I'll even do it in the shower especially now that COVID has lessened my responsibility. I don't think being a Manipulative daydreamer is an Illness or a hindrance. If used properly you will realize you're so lucky to have this gift! If you want it - if you want it gone ; that is possible too. it's whatever YOU want for you. Look how amazing your mind and body are. They used MDD to protect you. To show you love so you won't hurt. Your mind and body will always do as much as it can to figure out a way to protect and preserve you. Some times they get it wrong but its always to try and save you. Your mind and body are not against you but for you. How perfect is it that MDD involves a physical repetition? Which increases focus and burns built up and pent up energy in your body. You aren't just laying down flat day dreaming living a completely sedentary lifestyle. You usually get a cardio work out and release body energy too. For such an illness, its quiet an intelligent one.  |
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Post by Magioni Cortello on Feb 5, 2021 6:44:21 GMT
I've read everything you wrote on this thread tinyalien, and I think it's magnificent. I must say that I do envy you for feeling this way and being able to articulate it as well as you do. I remember there was a point where I felt and thought very similar to this after an intense period of something I did to myself, but it inevitably wore off and panic attacks did indeed accompany it for me once I came back down.
I doubt what I felt was "legitimate" so to speak, otherwise I wonder why it was so temporary. I was able to fix my relationship with my dad though, which had suffered significantly in the past years before this happened. There was still much MDing but I'm afraid I don't know how to not only control it, but experience it in the way that has been so enjoyable in the past. I really hope I can in the future. Nevertheless I love your post and can relate to a lot of the people here. I hope everyone reading this is doing well right now. I'm not necessarily a christain or particularly religious, but I still believe in some kind of force that people generally really aren't able to truly understand.
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what every ones opinions on this will be but this has happened TO ME though spiritual practices and spiritual philosophy. I assure everyone here that spirituality has nothing to do with believing in anything nor believing in a man in the sky that judges us. ( and if you do believe in such things and/or have christian values or any other I am in no way saying that you're wrong or bad nor could I or would I judge you based on your beliefs) I know from reading this forum that their are many atheists as well. I bring this up only because I know the word spirituality comes with many different cogitation. Anyways, My spiritual journey has been long and hard. I can write a novel for days about the amount of thing I've learned about myself but I'm not here to do that. I'm here just in case maybe ONE person see's this and it sparks in them something that they've maybe had as a lurking thought. 
about, feeling right now. The more you pay attention to each individual step your taking in each moment the more likely you are to be yourself & create your own life. In order to make the choices in each moment that will give you a better future.