Post by zadish on May 29, 2020 7:59:33 GMT
Hello there,
My sincere apologies if this post if awfully long. I would just like to get some things off my chest.
I have been neglecting my mental health all my life, mainly because mental health is a less understood subject in most third world countries. Although I'm also Canadian and have been residing in Canada for the last ten years, I haven't seen a therapist yet. It was only until recently I came to terms with my mental health by self-reflecting and researching my symptoms.
So, ever since I was a kid, I would obsess over things and people. I would easily get attached to someone I liked to an unhealthy degree (platonically or romantically, depending on the person). However, people started to notice my odd behavior, which left me with no friends near the end of my elementary education. To satiate my obsession, I would, and I still do, obsessively fantasize about people, friends, topics of conversations, and so forth. My fantasies come in a range of intensities, which I recently started to rate. For example, an 8 would be a very vivid, elaborate, and intense fantasy that causes me to either laugh, cry, smile, or whisper loudly. A 7 is similar to an 8, but I usually snap out of it before its completion. I always go back and finish it, but it doesn’t feel the same. Anything below 7, I consider mild, and I experience those frequently.
I feel like I am addicted to it. I could, and have given up food and sleep many times just to fantasize, without ever knowing I was addicted to it.
Moving on, I spent most of high school alone, but I rarely felt lonely or depressed, presumably because of my secret addiction. In high school, I decided to smoke pot to make friends, and I did make friends. However, I had nothing in common with those folks, and I also realized that weed further made daydreaming more enjoyable. Hence, I developed a new addiction, along with my Madd.
I dropped out of high school at 18, and I started working odd jobs. I did mostly general labor, because working at a gas station or a fast food restaurant seemed mentally challenging. Fear of failure and daydreaming made simple tasks harder. I got fired on day one at a gas station for making too many silly mistakes. General labor, on the other hand, did not require much
. It was tough, but I had no choice.
Due to pressure from my parents, I enrolled in adult school and got my diploma at age 20. I barely passed my courses, except in English; I did exceptionally well in English. I really enjoyed how authors wrote in such fine and polished prose. I told my parents that I wanted to major In English but they said it wont get me anywhere, and that I should study something like computer science. *
* passing a single course in computer science was something beyond my fantasies, and therefore, I sadly went back into the workforce doing crappy jobs.
Two years later, my parents begged me to enroll in university and they said that I should major in anything I wanted. I chose English and I started off great. I used to be the first one in class, and I would always stay after class to get extra feedback on my writing assignments. I would also attend every writing work-shop on campus. I didn’t enjoy reading novels much. What I enjoyed the most was improving my communication skills. The more I got better at expressing ideas, the more I enjoyed daydreaming, since I became better at talking to others in my daydreams
.
I continued going to university, but I changed my major to Philosophy. Reading and writing in philosophy was a lot harder in comparison to English. However, philosophy brought me sheer enjoyment! Learning to express my ideas more concisely and logically made me feel more intelligent while conversing in my daydreams. I was also very obsessed with my professor. I would go to her office hours every week and I would I talk her a lot about everything.
However, due to Madd, every task took me way longer than it should have had. For example, sometimes writing a single page would take me all day due to frequent day dreaming. I would also neglect other priories, like getting my driver’s license. I’m not even sure if it’s safe for me to drive.
Moving on too worse times, in my second year, I went to a coffee shop on campus to study alone as usual. The lady that served me coffee was very sweet and kind, and polite. She asked me what I was studying and so forth. She was beautiful, but I wasn’t sexually attracted to her. But her friendlies just kept bringing me back to that coffee shop. In return, I was very polite and kind towards her too. However, I acted extremely smart to hide my obsession. I wouldn’t take much of her time. Rather, I would talk to her a bit, and then I would go and study or daydream about her for hours at that coffee shop. I did all of that while staring into a book. I was suffering from Madd, but she thought I was a serious philosopher, which I am in my fantasies.
Anyways, as time went on, she began to let her guard down. She started calling me “friend” and we began to study together. She used to call me “friend” a lot. I think she was just watching out for my feelings by putting me in the friendzone early on. However, what she did not realize, and what I so carefully hid, was that her friendship was extremely addictive. It brought me so much joy into my life; it made me feel things that I never felt before.
Things got worse when she started inviting me out with her friends. I never tasted alcohol before my obsession towards her. However, to come off more relatable and sociable, I began drinking. It wasn’t a rational decision. Rather, it was due to fear of rejection. Not only that, I kept convincing myself that she is perfect and flawless, and doing anything for her companionship is totally worth it.
Very soon after that, I became a functional alcoholic. During the day, I would go to the university and act like a normal student. I would attend classes and “study” in between classes. However, I was never mentally present during those days. I would obsessively daydream about her until she messaged me to hang out. And when she wasn’t around, I would experience intense cravings, and consequently, I would drink and fantasize till I blacked out.
This went on for about an year. My grades suffered a lot. In fact, I reduced my course load to keep up with my obsession. She then moved away during summer, and I stopped drinking, but only because my credit card was maxed out. To cope with my alcohol cravings, I sold my laptop and some belongings, and I bought a lot of weed.
Moving on to more recent times, I no longer crave her presence. Its been almost an year, but not a day goes by without me intensely daydreaming about her. The daydreams are so disruptive that I had to drop out of university all together during the last term. I told my acquaintances that I dropped out because I’m burned out from studying too much, but, in reality, I’m just too ashamed and embarrassed, and confused to tell anyone what’s wrong.
PS: I’m not violent. I’ve never harmed anyone I’ve been obsessed with. All I do is daydream. Also, thank you for this forum. Sharing felt very nice. I just hope I don’t daydream too much about this forum, as I have been doing lately.
My sincere apologies if this post if awfully long. I would just like to get some things off my chest.
I have been neglecting my mental health all my life, mainly because mental health is a less understood subject in most third world countries. Although I'm also Canadian and have been residing in Canada for the last ten years, I haven't seen a therapist yet. It was only until recently I came to terms with my mental health by self-reflecting and researching my symptoms.
So, ever since I was a kid, I would obsess over things and people. I would easily get attached to someone I liked to an unhealthy degree (platonically or romantically, depending on the person). However, people started to notice my odd behavior, which left me with no friends near the end of my elementary education. To satiate my obsession, I would, and I still do, obsessively fantasize about people, friends, topics of conversations, and so forth. My fantasies come in a range of intensities, which I recently started to rate. For example, an 8 would be a very vivid, elaborate, and intense fantasy that causes me to either laugh, cry, smile, or whisper loudly. A 7 is similar to an 8, but I usually snap out of it before its completion. I always go back and finish it, but it doesn’t feel the same. Anything below 7, I consider mild, and I experience those frequently.
I feel like I am addicted to it. I could, and have given up food and sleep many times just to fantasize, without ever knowing I was addicted to it.
Moving on, I spent most of high school alone, but I rarely felt lonely or depressed, presumably because of my secret addiction. In high school, I decided to smoke pot to make friends, and I did make friends. However, I had nothing in common with those folks, and I also realized that weed further made daydreaming more enjoyable. Hence, I developed a new addiction, along with my Madd.
I dropped out of high school at 18, and I started working odd jobs. I did mostly general labor, because working at a gas station or a fast food restaurant seemed mentally challenging. Fear of failure and daydreaming made simple tasks harder. I got fired on day one at a gas station for making too many silly mistakes. General labor, on the other hand, did not require much
. It was tough, but I had no choice. Due to pressure from my parents, I enrolled in adult school and got my diploma at age 20. I barely passed my courses, except in English; I did exceptionally well in English. I really enjoyed how authors wrote in such fine and polished prose. I told my parents that I wanted to major In English but they said it wont get me anywhere, and that I should study something like computer science. *
* passing a single course in computer science was something beyond my fantasies, and therefore, I sadly went back into the workforce doing crappy jobs. Two years later, my parents begged me to enroll in university and they said that I should major in anything I wanted. I chose English and I started off great. I used to be the first one in class, and I would always stay after class to get extra feedback on my writing assignments. I would also attend every writing work-shop on campus. I didn’t enjoy reading novels much. What I enjoyed the most was improving my communication skills. The more I got better at expressing ideas, the more I enjoyed daydreaming, since I became better at talking to others in my daydreams
. I continued going to university, but I changed my major to Philosophy. Reading and writing in philosophy was a lot harder in comparison to English. However, philosophy brought me sheer enjoyment! Learning to express my ideas more concisely and logically made me feel more intelligent while conversing in my daydreams. I was also very obsessed with my professor. I would go to her office hours every week and I would I talk her a lot about everything.
However, due to Madd, every task took me way longer than it should have had. For example, sometimes writing a single page would take me all day due to frequent day dreaming. I would also neglect other priories, like getting my driver’s license. I’m not even sure if it’s safe for me to drive.
Moving on too worse times, in my second year, I went to a coffee shop on campus to study alone as usual. The lady that served me coffee was very sweet and kind, and polite. She asked me what I was studying and so forth. She was beautiful, but I wasn’t sexually attracted to her. But her friendlies just kept bringing me back to that coffee shop. In return, I was very polite and kind towards her too. However, I acted extremely smart to hide my obsession. I wouldn’t take much of her time. Rather, I would talk to her a bit, and then I would go and study or daydream about her for hours at that coffee shop. I did all of that while staring into a book. I was suffering from Madd, but she thought I was a serious philosopher, which I am in my fantasies.
Anyways, as time went on, she began to let her guard down. She started calling me “friend” and we began to study together. She used to call me “friend” a lot. I think she was just watching out for my feelings by putting me in the friendzone early on. However, what she did not realize, and what I so carefully hid, was that her friendship was extremely addictive. It brought me so much joy into my life; it made me feel things that I never felt before.
Things got worse when she started inviting me out with her friends. I never tasted alcohol before my obsession towards her. However, to come off more relatable and sociable, I began drinking. It wasn’t a rational decision. Rather, it was due to fear of rejection. Not only that, I kept convincing myself that she is perfect and flawless, and doing anything for her companionship is totally worth it.
Very soon after that, I became a functional alcoholic. During the day, I would go to the university and act like a normal student. I would attend classes and “study” in between classes. However, I was never mentally present during those days. I would obsessively daydream about her until she messaged me to hang out. And when she wasn’t around, I would experience intense cravings, and consequently, I would drink and fantasize till I blacked out.
This went on for about an year. My grades suffered a lot. In fact, I reduced my course load to keep up with my obsession. She then moved away during summer, and I stopped drinking, but only because my credit card was maxed out. To cope with my alcohol cravings, I sold my laptop and some belongings, and I bought a lot of weed.
Moving on to more recent times, I no longer crave her presence. Its been almost an year, but not a day goes by without me intensely daydreaming about her. The daydreams are so disruptive that I had to drop out of university all together during the last term. I told my acquaintances that I dropped out because I’m burned out from studying too much, but, in reality, I’m just too ashamed and embarrassed, and confused to tell anyone what’s wrong.
PS: I’m not violent. I’ve never harmed anyone I’ve been obsessed with. All I do is daydream. Also, thank you for this forum. Sharing felt very nice. I just hope I don’t daydream too much about this forum, as I have been doing lately.
