Post by ortrud on Aug 1, 2020 18:56:01 GMT
Hello, my name is Jen. This strange situation we are all living through called Covid-19 is probably the reason why I'm here today. I have been crying every day (but hiding it from my family) because there is no escape from the disappointment I feel in myself. I have struggled all of my life (I'm in my early 50s) to make ends meet and when I finally started making some headway, Covid brought it all crashing down. This sounds very dramatic, more so than it actually is. I have not been able to make a living, but I have a partner who does, so I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I have a daughter who brings me great joy when I'm not busy daydreaming. I should be impressed with myself that I have accomplished as much as I have while not being fully present! However, I feel like I am waking up more than halfway through life wondering where I am.
I have been a big daydreamer for as long as I can remember. I even recall many particularly good daydreams from my early childhood and notice now how they may have changed slightly, but they are still my favotires. I still have a note that my teacher sent to my parents when I was in second grade, worrying that I was daydreaming too much. It seems I was able to mask it more after that, but it never stopped. I am in the performing arts, so my daydreaming can actually help me visualize certain things well, but I am not able to carry through in a meaningful way and it is difficult for me to relate to people because I'm not fully engaged. I put on a "normal person" act. Real life and real relationships are SO inferior to my daydreams.
I suffered from depression in my late teens and then my 30s and used antidepressants, which were very helpful. Now, I self-medicate with THC products because the antidepressants developed side-effects. I don't feel particularly bad about that but I have been abstaining from the THC for the last week because I was feeling groggy and sluggish. THC causes me to feel more in the moment and yet creates a fog that dulls the pain. I still daydream, though.
An internet search for "how to stop daydreaming" brought me here.
, I didn't realize MD was a thing! How did this elude me all of this time through therapy? I never really mentioned the daydreams in therapy because they are sort of my special secret and, because I am in the arts, I figured they helped me. I realize daydreaming is not bad, but I see that I have spent so much of my life doing it and have no energy left to actually accomplish tasks. Just getting through the minimal, daily work one must do to bathe, dress, wash dishes, and walk the dog is draining. Of course, I can daydream while doing those things, 
.
As my daughter has gotten older, she's taken to admonishing me when she sees I'm not paying attention. I make a real effort to pay attention to her and be a decent mom, but it leaves me exhausted.
My latest "now I'm really gonna do it!" project has been to start writing. I've always had what seem like great thoughts in my head but putting them on paper seems like a huge task. I'm wondering if that will help with the daydreams, though.
So here I am. I am so grateful that this forum exists! And to know there are others out there that have these challenges! It just goes to show you that there is ALWAYS a light at the tunnel. I never knew this existed - and I've been around.
There's more to the story, but I have to close for now. Thank you for this opportunity to vent. I hope I can be useful to someone at some point as well as using this forum to help myself.
I have been a big daydreamer for as long as I can remember. I even recall many particularly good daydreams from my early childhood and notice now how they may have changed slightly, but they are still my favotires. I still have a note that my teacher sent to my parents when I was in second grade, worrying that I was daydreaming too much. It seems I was able to mask it more after that, but it never stopped. I am in the performing arts, so my daydreaming can actually help me visualize certain things well, but I am not able to carry through in a meaningful way and it is difficult for me to relate to people because I'm not fully engaged. I put on a "normal person" act. Real life and real relationships are SO inferior to my daydreams.
I suffered from depression in my late teens and then my 30s and used antidepressants, which were very helpful. Now, I self-medicate with THC products because the antidepressants developed side-effects. I don't feel particularly bad about that but I have been abstaining from the THC for the last week because I was feeling groggy and sluggish. THC causes me to feel more in the moment and yet creates a fog that dulls the pain. I still daydream, though.
An internet search for "how to stop daydreaming" brought me here.
, I didn't realize MD was a thing! How did this elude me all of this time through therapy? I never really mentioned the daydreams in therapy because they are sort of my special secret and, because I am in the arts, I figured they helped me. I realize daydreaming is not bad, but I see that I have spent so much of my life doing it and have no energy left to actually accomplish tasks. Just getting through the minimal, daily work one must do to bathe, dress, wash dishes, and walk the dog is draining. Of course, I can daydream while doing those things, 
. As my daughter has gotten older, she's taken to admonishing me when she sees I'm not paying attention. I make a real effort to pay attention to her and be a decent mom, but it leaves me exhausted.
My latest "now I'm really gonna do it!" project has been to start writing. I've always had what seem like great thoughts in my head but putting them on paper seems like a huge task. I'm wondering if that will help with the daydreams, though.
So here I am. I am so grateful that this forum exists! And to know there are others out there that have these challenges! It just goes to show you that there is ALWAYS a light at the tunnel. I never knew this existed - and I've been around.
There's more to the story, but I have to close for now. Thank you for this opportunity to vent. I hope I can be useful to someone at some point as well as using this forum to help myself.
