Post by pseudonymkath on Oct 11, 2020 2:43:49 GMT
What brought me to the site?
Hi. You can call me Kath.
I think I’ve always daydreamed on some level and usually excessively. Only child, not ever had many friends, a couple of bad relationships a long time ago. Then still a while ago maybe 8 years ago or so I started with chronic pain.
my chronic pain got so bad that I couldn’t continue to work. And so my elaborate and constant daydreaming started. Reems of notes and draft emails full of stories or notes about plots that I’d have ongoing in my head. It seems that I fit the bill. My motivation is low, but I don’t know what part of what goes on in my head influences what, or whether they are just a vicious circle.
I was told to look up maladaptive daydreaming when posting about a habit on a peer support mental health site. I suppose I should tell you how I let my daydreaming overpower too much.
Writing notes or stories that I never shared was fine, but I took it and played out things live in front of other humans. I downloaded some app game, where talking to other people happens to be a big part of the gameplay. Two accounts. I pretended to be two girls. A couple. Juggling it, making notes of backstories, making it feel more real because real people were reacting to it, losing myself in it, picking up my phone or my tablet, getting into conversations with people and taking everything too far. Perhaps this doesn’t come under the umbrella of daydreaming anymore. But it’s not real, so in some way it must, right?
I slipped up. I mean I slipped up a couple of times in minor ways and covered it up, but today, I picked up my tablet, wrote a long message to someone assuming the character of the wrong account, and when she approached me about it, I told her. Yes we are one person. Yes it’s all a lie. It’s escapism and I’m sorry I lied, I’m trying to not run and delete the app and pretend it never happened. I’m trying to at the very least give her answers first. She’s being too understanding. Not everyone will be, I’m sure. I’m scared of having to announce it somehow.
I never expected these people to be so nice. To be frank, I thought it would be a few short term instances of chatting to people I wouldn’t care to know well enough for it to matter. And when it went too far I knew I should come clean. But I was hooked on it, it was so much more than a usual daydream because there was live reaction. It wasn’t just myself I was fooling. I felt able to slip into character and because they so believed me, it made it feel more real and made the escapism so much more appealing. While I was there, I wasn’t me. It didn’t feel like lying when my brain seemed to be able to realign as these other people.
But I knew I screwed up today. I thought I got away with it. And then she confronted me. And she was far too understanding and kind. She’s gone quiet on me now. I need to get some sleep. But I’m so so anxious and I feel sick. I don’t know what to do. And even though her balanced approach has helped a little, I feel guilty that she doesn’t feel more angry, I feel like I deserve much more anger. I’m trying to not go in too hard on any self hatred or sob story. I’m trying to be open to answering questions, but I think my initial panic has made her afraid to overwhelm me.
So it seems I joined the site in a panicked moment with a confession, and I’m embarrassed and ashamed. Nervous. It’s not as though I made up some happy little couple. It was bound to fall apart. I shouldn’t have invented two people. Maybe there was some level of thrill in the challenge, but this has been going for months. I don’t think that I’ve wronged anyone per se. I’ve been as kind as I can to people, but I’m
they’ll forgive the lies. I’m not going to be able to form any sort of real trusting connection with anyone after I have betrayed them. So little of what I said was true. Some things inspired by truths, lots of things just entirely false.
I feel like I’m also misrepresenting all of you by coming in so hot with a big admission. That’s not fair. But I don’t know what to do. I relied on this. This was my constant source of escapism, I was daydreaming about what I was doing while I was offline while offline. It was consuming so much time. It’s where i have been hiding from myself. And now it’s crashing down.i should’ve stuck to my own head. But when the out of control daydream in my head is my main character feeling so low, there’s nobody there for them. This way, I had support. Sometimes minimal, or shallow, but there were people who my character felt they could open up to in small ways, who were there in small ways. In my own head I often just hurtle towards despair or find twisted enjoyment in things I’m ashamed that I even think. Perhaps over the years I’ve had to increase the level of extremity to feel as much from the daydreams and stories. I need to stop writing now. This is far too long. If anyone reads all of this then you deserve a treat.
TL;DR
I let my daydreaming embody profiles on an app game, got too close to people and have been found out by a person my characters were friends with. It’s all gone too far, the daydreaming probably, and the way I forced that onto real people. I don’t know what to do about that specific situation, and can’t imagine myself giving up my escapism. Currently feeling extremely anxious.
Keen to know if this effecting real people with your daydreams personified has effected anyone else?
Also grateful for advice however broad or specific.
Hi. You can call me Kath.
I think I’ve always daydreamed on some level and usually excessively. Only child, not ever had many friends, a couple of bad relationships a long time ago. Then still a while ago maybe 8 years ago or so I started with chronic pain.
my chronic pain got so bad that I couldn’t continue to work. And so my elaborate and constant daydreaming started. Reems of notes and draft emails full of stories or notes about plots that I’d have ongoing in my head. It seems that I fit the bill. My motivation is low, but I don’t know what part of what goes on in my head influences what, or whether they are just a vicious circle.
I was told to look up maladaptive daydreaming when posting about a habit on a peer support mental health site. I suppose I should tell you how I let my daydreaming overpower too much.
Writing notes or stories that I never shared was fine, but I took it and played out things live in front of other humans. I downloaded some app game, where talking to other people happens to be a big part of the gameplay. Two accounts. I pretended to be two girls. A couple. Juggling it, making notes of backstories, making it feel more real because real people were reacting to it, losing myself in it, picking up my phone or my tablet, getting into conversations with people and taking everything too far. Perhaps this doesn’t come under the umbrella of daydreaming anymore. But it’s not real, so in some way it must, right?
I slipped up. I mean I slipped up a couple of times in minor ways and covered it up, but today, I picked up my tablet, wrote a long message to someone assuming the character of the wrong account, and when she approached me about it, I told her. Yes we are one person. Yes it’s all a lie. It’s escapism and I’m sorry I lied, I’m trying to not run and delete the app and pretend it never happened. I’m trying to at the very least give her answers first. She’s being too understanding. Not everyone will be, I’m sure. I’m scared of having to announce it somehow.
I never expected these people to be so nice. To be frank, I thought it would be a few short term instances of chatting to people I wouldn’t care to know well enough for it to matter. And when it went too far I knew I should come clean. But I was hooked on it, it was so much more than a usual daydream because there was live reaction. It wasn’t just myself I was fooling. I felt able to slip into character and because they so believed me, it made it feel more real and made the escapism so much more appealing. While I was there, I wasn’t me. It didn’t feel like lying when my brain seemed to be able to realign as these other people.
But I knew I screwed up today. I thought I got away with it. And then she confronted me. And she was far too understanding and kind. She’s gone quiet on me now. I need to get some sleep. But I’m so so anxious and I feel sick. I don’t know what to do. And even though her balanced approach has helped a little, I feel guilty that she doesn’t feel more angry, I feel like I deserve much more anger. I’m trying to not go in too hard on any self hatred or sob story. I’m trying to be open to answering questions, but I think my initial panic has made her afraid to overwhelm me.
So it seems I joined the site in a panicked moment with a confession, and I’m embarrassed and ashamed. Nervous. It’s not as though I made up some happy little couple. It was bound to fall apart. I shouldn’t have invented two people. Maybe there was some level of thrill in the challenge, but this has been going for months. I don’t think that I’ve wronged anyone per se. I’ve been as kind as I can to people, but I’m
they’ll forgive the lies. I’m not going to be able to form any sort of real trusting connection with anyone after I have betrayed them. So little of what I said was true. Some things inspired by truths, lots of things just entirely false.I feel like I’m also misrepresenting all of you by coming in so hot with a big admission. That’s not fair. But I don’t know what to do. I relied on this. This was my constant source of escapism, I was daydreaming about what I was doing while I was offline while offline. It was consuming so much time. It’s where i have been hiding from myself. And now it’s crashing down.i should’ve stuck to my own head. But when the out of control daydream in my head is my main character feeling so low, there’s nobody there for them. This way, I had support. Sometimes minimal, or shallow, but there were people who my character felt they could open up to in small ways, who were there in small ways. In my own head I often just hurtle towards despair or find twisted enjoyment in things I’m ashamed that I even think. Perhaps over the years I’ve had to increase the level of extremity to feel as much from the daydreams and stories. I need to stop writing now. This is far too long. If anyone reads all of this then you deserve a treat.
TL;DR
I let my daydreaming embody profiles on an app game, got too close to people and have been found out by a person my characters were friends with. It’s all gone too far, the daydreaming probably, and the way I forced that onto real people. I don’t know what to do about that specific situation, and can’t imagine myself giving up my escapism. Currently feeling extremely anxious.
Keen to know if this effecting real people with your daydreams personified has effected anyone else?
Also grateful for advice however broad or specific.
