Post by thedolphinbaby57 on Oct 21, 2020 3:26:37 GMT
I've been on this forum since the end of May of 2020 this year and although it has been a relief that more people have thus like me and i'm not crazy....the one thing that I've noticed is that in order to address Madd..you must find the root of cause and solve that problem. I don't know my root of cause. I've had this condition for over almost 5 years now and I don't know to this day what caused it. I have a pretty decent childhood. Caring friends, loving family, good grades, marching band, ambitious dreams, fashion taste. I'm so confused. I would daydream all day about finding this root of the cause but in reality I can't place my finger on it. Is something wrong with me mentally? Is it growing up as an only child half my life with just me and my mom and my dad having custody over me? Was it witnessing Mom and Dad talk about each other negatively? Living with no perfect family? Being the nice girl at school and constantly being run over by people? What is it? I've been walking through this dark tunnel for years now and have given up on finding a way out. It makes no sense to me. How did I get something that's almost life-threatening on the inside and yet I don't know what caused it? Nothing seems real anymore sometimes. This demon has been stuck in my head and became a part of me and follows wherever I go pulling and tugging at my brain. I just wish there was a cure or some treatment for this already. I have second thoughts on therapy but journaling seems to help out a lot even though I don't journal everyday. But it helps for bottled up emotions. I feel like the real me can't come out and I'm stuck looking at the better made up version if me in my head living her best life. Does anyone else have issues with this? Please let me know.
I can't find my source but my life seems pretty messed up. Now that I think of it I think it all started a long while ago but I can't remeber exactly when and why?. My parents often fought a lot when I was younger and maybe thats what I wanted to escape from. It might be the same cause for you too but I m .
Hi, I can relate to your post very much, in that most of my life was fine and non traumatic. People might look at the outside of my life and think, what on earth is she escaping from? However, there were things that did bother me, and I did not know how to manage and accept the things I was not happy about. Daydreaming was the most soothing way . I was so much like you with school activities, friends, good grades, decent appearance (but not beautiful! I wanted beauty!) My parents were kind and generally supportive, but they were pretty absorbed in their own lives, oblivious (but not intentionally) to what I needed from them. My brother was kind of special needs, so my family just felt odd to me and I did not have the maturity to accept them. Over time I have learned to appreciate them.
Maybe you do have some negative feelings that are somewhat buried. I have found it helps pulling them out, finding someone to listen (sometimes I only have God for this.) I am learning (this is ongoing) to appreciate what I do have in my life and who I am as a person. It is ironic that my current job is viewed as "lowly" and yet I work with great people and have a blast. So instead of worrying about how I am perceived by others, am seeing that my reality is pretty great. Also, I used to be very perfectionist, and have let go of a lot of that, which has helped. Maybe I have let go too much!.
It has been helpful for me staying in touch with this forum, watching the Eli Somer you tube videos, etc. When we are looking at our MDD, we are being present in our real self rather than the fake one. My daydreaming most of the time now, is not maladaptive. I have boundaries around it for only specific times, like when I'm mentally bored during exercise. I just listened to the most recent video , and I related to his statement that in MDD we are the director of the action. In my lifetime (I'm much older than you) this has been a way to be content with the imperfection of my life, and it was always shifting and changing, which was part of the appeal. There were times when I was younger I ditched daydreaming completely which didn't work as well long term, since I didn't learn how to deal with the imperfections of life and of me. We can train our brains to be rewarded by imperfect reality more than perfect daydreaming. The addictive constant daydreaming does not appeal to me now, is not the temptation it once was. There was a time I wanted the daydream to be real or at least wanted to be in the daydream more than in my own life, and that has changed, but not overnight. I have been working on it for about a year now.
Thank you for sharing, and I wish you the best! You have some great years ahead of you.
I suppose I don't know the specific reason my md started though I have several issues to choose from... At the time, I didn't really know what it was. I thought my life was perfect and safe already. That wasn't the reality but that's what I thought nevertheless. So maybe your root is something you can't remember or suppressed? Even something as simple as parents arguing can be unsettling for a child and an unstable home life, even if it isn't the worst, may still cause us to seek safer ground. It really doesn't have to be anything terrible. Just something that causes insecurity in our daily lives or a bad situation that we'd rather not deal with.
Post by thehopelessromantic on Nov 11, 2020 21:53:38 GMT
I wouldn't put down what you're going through just because you had a trauma-less childhood. Your brain can still malfunction, so I would classify you as clinically mentally ill at some capacity. This means you might have chemical imbalances related to depression or anxiety, maybe another mood disorder. You can talk to a therapist or school counselor and explain what is happening. They can help you figure out if you need therapy. Some people need a helping hand getting themselves focused, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Based on details about your home life, I would agree with JustPlainMe when they said, "Maybe you do have some negative feelings that are somewhat buried." You parents clearly have not taken your feelings into account when they talk bad about each other, or that you don't have siblings to rely on for support when things like this happen. When parents speak negatively about each other in front of their kids, they unknowingly cause emotional damage in their kids. You might feel awkward, or bad when mom and dad do this. And you can carry that negativity with you for quite some time. Going through these kinda things over several years can be kinda like trauma. It's not one qualifying event, but it's still significant. The little things can mean so much when we have to bear them over and over. So talk to somebody and release those emotions you've been carrying. Ask a counselor how you can deal in a better way. MADD is your mind's way of protecting you from loneliness or negative feelings. It's bad because it can take away from your focus and your time. You need to find other ways to cope and handle the stressors of life.
Post by ohmymagenta0214 on Nov 29, 2020 3:50:50 GMT
Something that I had to constantly remind my patients of is that ‘trauma’ is different for everyone. Parents divorcing might be considered traumatic for one person while another is not impacted at all. The ‘root cause’ you’re searching for might not be something glaringly obvious. It just has to be traumatic to you personally.
Post by confesseddaydreamer on Jan 19, 2021 12:43:27 GMT
Hi all, thank you very much for sharing your experiences. I'm 38 years old but my awareness about MD only started when I started my spiritual journey last November, first with the Enneagram of personality. In this enneagram I’m a number 3, which is the person called “the achiever” but is not exactly that. My vanity rules my ego, due to a lack of love during my childhood (I lived a hostile childhood and sexual abuse when I was 14), so I don’t consider myself valuable for who I’m but for what others think about me. Its like I need validation from others to feel special, and this compulsive need of feeling special makes me go to my fantasy world constantly, as in there is where I can fulfil of these emotions. So in order to fulfil my need of being special I spend most of the time in fantasy, so I don’t need real people to give me this feeling, I hope I’m explaining myself properly. The result is that I am the most happier person in this world as I have everything I need, but the sense of emptiness its very difficult to explain, together with the fear of losing control of it or not being able for example to mind my children if I have them in the future (I remember my mother spending so much time in her room doing this and ignoring her 5 children).
I develop MD when I was 6 years old. I currently dedicate about 4 hours a day on a normal day, being the entire day if I am on my own at home. My fantasies are of two types: represented verbally and gestures if I am alone (they are the most recurrent) ; and mentally if there are people around or risk that someone appears. The mental ones happen as well if I'm traveling in public transport or if my husband is driving the car.
Most of the time they are activated with music but for many years now I have been able to represent them without music, just to avoid making noise. For example, if I'm at work, an email from a client can act as a trigger, so I have to go to the toilet to act out the fantasy. At work I can do this more than 10 times per day. I can't do it by listening to music with headphones, as this prevents me from having full control of the space (watching for someone coming). If I know that I am totally alone and there is no risk of someone showing up, then I could do it with headphones. I have tried to record myself on video since I thought that if I saw myself doing it this would generate a rejection and I was going to be able to stop doing it, but it is not possible for me to record myself since my brain is alert to any eye (in this case the camera would be the eye). It's like having an alert sensor in my brain to protect me from someone seeing me doing it (it's the best way I can explain it). In my fantasies I can be myself or any person / being (including animals, but this is more unusual), and also I am everyone else at the same time. That is, not only do I speak but I think about what I am going to respond to while the other person is speaking to me. Not only do I feel what I say, but I feel what the other / other people are of me and this creates any kind of emotion on me. It is like being in this world, but on a non-physical plane. I can be anywhere, in any time, real or fantastic, with any person or group of people, being myself and all of them (and their thoughts, judgments) at the same time. I can see them, even if I don't see them with my physical eye. I can feel any emotion, even crying, laughing or feeling some physical pain (the latter I do less). 99% of my fantasy is related to my vanity, that is, my need to play a role to get the gaze or approval of others. I can act out the same fantasy as many times in a row as I need to satisfy the need for feeling the wanted emotion. I can also represent the same fantasy for several years in addition to the ones that I spontaneously represent with the things that happen to me on a daily basis. I also have a kind of obsessive disorder that I don't care much about (movements with the mouth, repetition of sounds, movements with the eyelids, touching objects a certain number of times ...). I think that when I'm in fantasy I do repetitive motions with my hands, but I also gesture like I normally would during a conversation.
I have used the fantasy with good purposes like studying. When I was in college I used this to study acting as I was the teacher so I was basically teaching, this allowed me to finish my degree with honours (but I have to say that I also wasted a lot of time so I had to study for more hours). I also used this to visualize situations that ended becoming real, like a promotion at work, win a gold medal in Taekwondo (when I was not even goof at it) or being invited to do a conference about my projects in college. All of these experiences born in my fantasy became real. In some point felt kind of magical for me so I didn’t have any issue with it other than the shame and the feeling that I wasn’t normal like everybody else. Hiding who I really am so my love ones don’t think I should go to a mental health institution. When they are activated by music, or by something I hear or read, I do it consciously. But I also do it unconsciously anytime when I am alone (toilet, shower, driving…), here is when the alert sensor that I have in my brain helps me. It's like an automatic ability to see myself from the outside, as if I had a CCTV system working for me. I have only noticed this recently, when I have tried to stop doing it, before I was not even aware of it because for me its just normal. Also, I live with this CCTV system with me 24/7, I can see how people see me every second of my life, I can only stop this during meditation.
I never asked for help, only last year I found in the Internet Eli Somer's research but still didn’t consider I had a problem. I can clearly see fantasy like a self-defense mechanism that served me in childhood to survive the lack of love
The conclusion I reached after several spiritual retreats and meditating on this during these moments of expanded consciousness is to focus on understanding where my vanity comes from. Understand that trauma made me believe that I am not worth because of who I am but for what others think of me. Currently I practice daily meditation (with my husband by my side, since if I am on my own fantasy becomes active and I cannot meditate) and I also continue attending spiritual retreats in order to get to the root of the matter. One of the consequences that most affect me in daily life is the lack of spontaneity, it is as if I need to represent everything before it happens in real life. I could explain a lot more but I hope that with this you can understand well.
Gestalt therapy and the Enneagram makes you become ware of your real personality so once you know this (which is not easy) you can understand the root of the issue. Everything I have read about this including Eli Somer's treatment only treat the symptoms but not the root. So only understanding myself, with integrations in spiritual retreats, staying present seems to be the light at the end of this tunnel. What I'm doing now is allowing myself to go to the fantasy and after that stop, take a breath and think why I had to go there this time (for me is always my vanity, my needs to get people's attention). I try to write the reason just to continue working on this in the retreats.
I told my husband last weekend and he still love me. He was impressed by this as a brilliant self defense mechanism but he agrees that I don't need it anymore. I have to say that telling him have been the biggest relief in my entire life.
I hope my experience will help others. I'll be sharing my progression here very often.