Post by Kai on Nov 5, 2020 21:19:46 GMT
It all started 3 years ago when i just got into High school. I was accustomed going to school in a certain district before i got into a school that was in another. My first days at school were pretty much repetitive. I go to school, i sit in class, i don't talk to anyone, eat lunch alone, and when time calls to go home i did. But it was only so long i can be quiet in a class without some people noticing me. Some said hi and made an effort to have a conversation with me and for a while i thought okay maybe they can be my new friends. Soon realizing that i didn't fit in with them, i slowing subtracted myself from their circle. Not long after a very cheerful girl started to talk to me, she was the first to look at me with such a bright smile, so to meet new friends. She was loud, funny, extra and just a likable person. Without even realizing it we became friends--no best friends and i felt like i could tell her anything. Since she's a likable person, everyone was basically her friend, but only a few were in her inner circle and i was part of that. That cheery girl and the other 4 girls who she was close with, all became great friends of mine. Finally everything was going good, i felt much better being able to communicate with someone who's not family. But all good things come to an end or something must die to birth something new and beautiful. Though my cheerful friend was happy all the time or showed that she was, she had her fair share of troubles. One of them being epilepsy. Almost through the first term, so far I've witnessed 2 of her epileptic seizures. Those two times were a little scary for me but i tried my best to help her as well as everyone else. Though some people didn't take it seriously, they just brushed it off as her wanting attention and that she was faking it. School closes for Christmas and not long after it opened again. Everyone is coming back from Barbados, USA, family etc. my cheerful friend, lets call her Stacy, bought all her closest friends gifts. I got a necklace with matching earrings. No one expected what was going to happen, not one soul. I don't remember the exact number of days after she gave us gifts when it happened, but everything happened so fast. One minute i'm at my desk eating lets say a brownie the next, my tallest friend is holding Stacy, making sure she don't hurt herself. Stacy was having one of her epileptic seizures. She's shaking, crying, screaming-- i didn't know what to do. This time was different I knew it. Teachers came running in our class fully prepared, one had table salt another Limacol. Students started surrounding the class for a chance to see what was going on, some laughed and some were concerned. But i couldn't take my eyes off her, i couldn't look away. My friend was in pain and i couldn't do anything but stand there and watch and cry. I cried so hard i suddenly felt like i couldn't breathe. Me along with my other friends cried, though i can see my tall friend was trying to keep her feelings in check for the sake of our friend on the floor. If i didn't stop crying i don't think i would've been conscious through the whole ordeal. The paramedics came and injected her with something. It didn't take long for it to work because sure enough she stopped shaking and passed out. The scariest part was when she was starting to stop shake, it was like she was fighting and lost. Her head jerked three times and stopped. After she was taken to the hospital, i couldn't concentrate on school for the rest of the day. The class was silent and the teacher taught like NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. My heart was shattered and i didn't care about anything anymore. I lost interest in myself and life in general, i didn't see the sense in the day to day things we do. I started about my significance in the world -- in the universe and i felt nothing. It was clear to me that i was entering a door that i may never come out of -- DEPRESSION. My inner light was smothered giving way for a heavy darkness that felt so cold yet comforting. I no longer talked to anyone or participated in class. I didn't leave my seat unless i needed to use the bathroom or get lunch. When my fellow classmates asked if i was alright i would "Yes I'm okay". I LIED. Stacy didn't come back to school for a while. That day she had that seizure and i knew that that one was different...it was. She lost her memory, 3 years of recent life to be precise. SHE DIDN'T KNOW ME. SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANY RECOLLECTION OF OUR PREVIOUS TALKS, NO FEELINGS/ EMOTION CONNECTED TO HER FRIENDS. WE WERE STRANGERS TO HER. I cried myself to sleep that night i found out. I tried reconnect with her over Whatsapp since she wasn't ready to come back to school yet. NOTHING. She really didn't know me. The day she came back to school she looked at the whole class trying to remember everyone. But she only remember 3 girls who wasn't even in her inner circle. NOT ME. NOT MY FRIENDS. Only people she had few conversations with. I asked " Do you remember me?" i know i shouldn't but i did. And she replied, "Oh your the girl from Whatsapp!" MY HEART SHATTERED--AGAIN. Laughter, giggles, snorts and OOOOhhhhhh's filled the classroom. THE GIRL FROM WHATSAPP. The class started to laugh and i struggled to keep my tears at bay, but i couldn't, so i wiped them as soon as they fell. My friends and I comforted each other at break and decided to give starting over a try. It was hard. Every moment i spend with her a little voice would say imposter, or you're not the real Stacy. After a while i accepted she wasn't going to remember me or my friends and the memories we shared,so i chose to make new ones with her and spoke not about the past but the future. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DEPRESSION? You asked. I didn't get out of it until my second year but even though, during that long excruciating time of being depressed...I turned inward and sought out comfort, help, happiness, i needed to heal. So i started about my future and what i wanted to, what choices i'd make in university all the way to marriage and further. It was rather relaxing, calming and it helped a lot. It started with a thought then a daydream, then another and another and so on. I developed an urge to daydream and excitement to be in my head all day long. To me it was better that dealing with reality, my emotions. To help with my sudden blast of emotions i'd get once in a while, i started to write poetry to get it out on paper. That also helped a lot and eventually after a while of doing those two things i slowly crept out of depression-- though not fully, i still have mild depression. Three years later i have no problem with being communicative, i talk to my friends a lot including Stacy-- we're best friends again-- and even made some new ones. I'm getting better with time but i know i'll always have a scar and a broken heart. Its hard to stop daydreaming after so long of depending on it for ...survival. My brain knew i needed a distraction in order to heal and what else than to dream the impossible and the possible, i already had a great imagination. I no longer need daydreaming to carry me through the day like i did three years ago, i'm ready to get back to reality, to get back to my real self. I MISS ME. I'm ready to walk out of my dark comfy corner and into the sunlight. I want to be able to enjoy life without the help of my imagination. Once i was well wrapped up in it's arms, but now i want to rip them off me and run freely enjoying the sun, the air, the breeze, the birds, the people, the good times, the awkward encounters, the embarrassing moments, the thorns along with the roses. I WANT TO BE FREE. I WANT TO BE ME. And i won't stop until i reach my goal. "A life story without a life being lived, is a story not worth being told."-Kai