Post by thehopelessromantic on Nov 11, 2020 22:18:24 GMT
I think I've been daydreaming less often and relying on it less, but I'm if it's because I'm doing something else mal-adaptive, or if in my journey for self-awareness and healing, I've solved the problem. I still struggle to focus, and still have a forgetful brain. I still have depressive episodes, and feel emotionally weak and unstable.
Now, I feel like I have a shorter fuse, like I get irritable quickly, and I get very angry sometimes for no reason. I just feel emotionally drained and frustrated. I also have a complete aversion to speaking to people now. I've made efforts to keep myself as socially isolated as possible. And if I couldn't get around talking to too many people in one day, I'll feel exhausted. I know it's a sign that I'm an introvert, but I was always an extrovert, needing people around me to feel energized. Now I feel the opposite, like lonely time makes me feel more stable and energized.
I realized that I've grown rather angry at life and bitter. I feel like one of those old people who scorn all people, and can't wait to die Not like I'm suicidal or anything, but just so tired I wouldn't mind an eternal sleep. And I'm afraid if I socialize too much to the point of feeling cranky, then I'll lash out and I don't want to do that to anyone. I don't want to lose the friends I managed to hold onto, or hurt my family. Maybe I haven't fixed the problem. I might be able to avoid daydreams now, but that doesn't mean I don't have some other mal-adaptive coping mechanism. I want to be able to keep my energy meter high no matter how many people I speak to, and I want to be able to handle stress better and not feel so bitter.
I got the anger too when I tired to pare down. I think it's some kind of ... withdrawl-ish symptom. We're not letting our brain do that thing it likes and it's pissed off at us. In my case I forced myself into social situations anyway, even if I didn't want to.
Buckled down and got through it, they become more fulfilling as your brain realises 'oh yeah, real people are pretty chill too, guess i dont have to daydream them all the time, this is fine". The hard part was replacing the time alone with something healthier.
For a while I was just replacing it with media, but i dont think that did me any favors. I still do sometimes, im a work in progress lol, but i've also been being a lot more creative. Got active in online community and now I try to make content for it.