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Post by fellowmder on Dec 1, 2020 16:54:54 GMT
I failed this semester of my college. I didn't attend my finals and never told my parents about it. I had anticipated it as I started running away from my problems by daydreaming and procrastinating throughout the semester. Even after all of this, I cannot become responsible for any of it and continue to daydream and runaway from the aftermath. i know it is pathetic of me to wait for something to like hit me on the head to change. I want to daydream more so because I feel I have no where to go and let all of this out of my chest- I don't know anymore whether I want to make an excuse for my failure or i genuinely am loosing my mind after all these years. Nothing changed me over these years, whatever I'd do i'll come back to the same spot. it has happened so many times that it feels just impossible to change. What should i do to change myself for the better? or will I just remain in this very state, disappointing my parents. it feel like a fake shell of mine broke apart and i have no more excuses to make. I don't even know whom to talk to after this and what to talk - i have kept my phone switched off for over a month now, deeming my friends and teacher may contact me. Just the thought of facing people again makes me anxious.
I really don't know how to continue anymore. Please give any advice if possible.
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Post by blueberrymuffin on Dec 1, 2020 20:52:53 GMT
Seems like you're in a vicious cycle and you need to break free immediately. You sound like you may also be suffering from major depression. I would advise seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist. If you can't afford it or you're not ready to face people, you may try chatting with an online friend.
Try to write down the things you enjoy in life, whatever gives you energy and motivation when you think about it. Even if you weren't suffering from MD, you need a motivation to go on on life.
I don't think MD is different from any other addiction, more excessive you do it, more damage it does. I used to suffer from it, but it didn't affect my academic success. It did mess up my relationships but I didn't even fail one class. Maybe you should concentrate on balancing your life with MD before trying to quit it completely. Identifying and avoiding your triggers certainly helps but what really helped me was to be more involved in real life. When that happens, you'll see you'll feel the urge to daydream less.
If college stresses you out so much, just give yourself a break, fail this semester, so what? Take a medical leave, do whatever you need. MD could be a symptom of a much bigger problem. Maybe you're coping with your anxiety with the help of daydreaming, or you use it to numb away the unpleasant feelings. Question if your major is the right major for you.
Before you try to study again, try to do something else you enjoy. Just try to engage in life in anyway you can, even just for an hour daily.
Don't be too hard on yourself, healing takes time. And please don't give up!
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Post by fellowmder on Dec 2, 2020 4:05:58 GMT
Thankyou blueberrymuffin! Well i certainly cannot afford a psychiatrist by myself but i recently found a book called cognitive behavioral therapy in 7 weeks. I might give a go to that. Yesterday I did find a term that goes well with what i am doing- Avoidance Coping. I cannot continue if anything stresses me out - even things that i used to enjoy I cannot do those mostly because i have daydreamt my characters being awesome in doing those things- those standards make me give up on things easily. That's why currently i feel like i don't have any hobby because i can hardly enjoy any of them.
I like my major, that's not a problem. But sometimes i feel maybe daydreaming about my characters in a different field might actually be creating a gap between me and my major that i genuinely feel proud to do. I am not good or anything at it but sometimes that doesn't matter to me. My mom has pointed out sometimes (btw she doesn't know about my md) that i don't seem to have any form of goal in life or for everyday things-i think that is happening more and more because i like to daydream about myself as someone else. it may have started creating an unintentional problem in identifying myself.
taking a break at this point is harder because of pandemic- i am stuck at home and if i stay ideal i am anxious that things will get worse with my md. its just i am kinda introverted so it is harder in this online manner to connect to anyone, especially after failing a semester. like it is this embarrassment with making tones of excuses for daydreaming away this entire online semester.
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Post by blueberrymuffin on Dec 2, 2020 17:44:42 GMT
I checked that book out and it looks pretty good. It has an emphasis on lack of motivation, I believe you'll benefit from it. I'm glad to hear you're happy with you major. Are you a perfectionist? Before I started SSRIs, being a perfectionist inhibited me in so many ways. I used to set so many goals for myself, and couldn't excel in any of them. My dad is very strict about academic success so it was like succeed or die trying. Thanks to him, I was academically successful but I also wanted to be good in sports, learn an instrument, dance, be socially active and so on. As you can imagine, I couldn't do any of that. Every once in a while I let go one those goals and felt an enormous relief. Maybe if you start little by little, set low expectations for yourself and gradually increase them, you won't be that stressed out. Can you try not involving your school in your MD scenarios? You can't graduate two schools at a time  Dreaming about school will only make your guilty conscious worse at this point. Also, the longer you keep your phone switched off, the harder it's going to be making an explanation to your friends and teachers. I would rip off the band aid and get over with it. |
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Post by fellowmder on Dec 20, 2020 15:59:15 GMT
I checked that book out and it looks pretty good. It has an emphasis on lack of motivation, I believe you'll benefit from it. I'm glad to hear you're happy with you major. Are you a perfectionist? Before I started SSRIs, being a perfectionist inhibited me in so many ways. I used to set so many goals for myself, and couldn't excel in any of them. My dad is very strict about academic success so it was like succeed or die trying. Thanks to him, I was academically successful but I also wanted to be good in sports, learn an instrument, dance, be socially active and so on. As you can imagine, I couldn't do any of that. Every once in a while I let go one those goals and felt an enormous relief. Maybe if you start little by little, set low expectations for yourself and gradually increase them, you won't be that stressed out. Can you try not involving your school in your MD scenarios? You can't graduate two schools at a time Dreaming about school will only make your guilty conscious worse at this point. Also, the longer you keep your phone switched off, the harder it's going to be making an explanation to your friends and teachers. I would rip off the band aid and get over with it. Thanks blueberrymuffin I finally did turn my phone on. I haven't had any conversation with friends yet but texted them. I have become part of a workshop this week. I had problems working around, even daydreamt straight for a day but brought myself back together. I am anxious of how ill complete my final assignment but finally trying! |
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Dreaming about school will only make your guilty conscious worse at this point.