Post by clumsypants on Jan 9, 2021 21:22:23 GMT
Hi
I’ve been intensely daydreaming consistently when I’m alone for years now. Often, I would repeat gestures, imagine myself in ridiculous settings, etc.
During this long time of my head being in the clouds, I also took time to make room for introspection.
I like to daydream about the same situation: where I am a powerful hero who protects my classmates from harm, before dying a tragic death to self-sacrifice.
The reasons why I think I daydream about this is because of the following reasons:
1. I’ve never had an actual mature adult to guide me in growing up, my mother would constantly emotionally abuse me to the point where I contemplated suicide at an extremely young age. This is when I began to live in my daydreams. It has become a defense mechanism for me in the bleak world I lived as a child. It gave me the dopamine and the bit of hope I needed to not mentally break. Eventually, I got too used to it, and up until now, it has become a constant source of happiness for me and a way to ignore my own reality.
2. I’ve never really had many friends growing up cause I was honestly a weirdo. It made me jealous of people who did have a lot of friends and could express themselves easier in school. This jealous turned into a void of self-esteem issues and the need for validation. Which explains why I see myself as the hero who saves everyone in my dream.
3. Ties in with reason#1. Due to the emotional abuse I suffered, I have always had an internal battle with the idea of freedom. After years of feeling constantly being under strict control and finally getting out of it, it didn’t leave me no scars. I found that I could never say No to people and become a sort of a people pleaser, tying in with reason#2. My shaky up-bringing left me feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere, no secure place to call home. I feel like this is why I want to see myself as powerful— someone who has the courage to finally seek their own happiness without needing other people, the person I’ve always wanted to be.
4. As for why I die a tragic death of a martyr in my dream, perhaps it ties in with my need to be remembered, the need to MATTER. Constantly, I’ve never really felt like my contributions mattered to the world compared to everyone else. This jealousy, comparing myself to others, the need for validation is what most likely sparked the “self-sacrifice” in the dream sequence.
Final Thoughts:
Honestly, maladaptive daydreaming has got me through a lot of
shit in my life, but it has gone to a point where I am addicted from the constant happiness it gives me.
Additionally, it has also led me to believe maladaptive daydreaming maybe more of a byproduct of other current/previous mental illness one has experienced.
If your brain gets to used to it, and it feels good, then the brain will cement that action into your head. It’s like a scar that continues to throb years after it’s been healed (i know, i’m making a lot of cheesy methapors
but ya get it), and you can’t help but give it an old itch.
I mean, I kind of understand why our brain does this. Why would it let go such a wonderful method to induce happiness simply from just
?
Anyways, this wasn’t really a logical “haha gotcha mental illness, i finally understand you!”, I’m sure it’s different from everyone, even though some will relate to this. Writing this at 1:21 am just seemed like a good idea to make myself feel better.
I’ve been intensely daydreaming consistently when I’m alone for years now. Often, I would repeat gestures, imagine myself in ridiculous settings, etc.
During this long time of my head being in the clouds, I also took time to make room for introspection.
I like to daydream about the same situation: where I am a powerful hero who protects my classmates from harm, before dying a tragic death to self-sacrifice.
The reasons why I think I daydream about this is because of the following reasons:
1. I’ve never had an actual mature adult to guide me in growing up, my mother would constantly emotionally abuse me to the point where I contemplated suicide at an extremely young age. This is when I began to live in my daydreams. It has become a defense mechanism for me in the bleak world I lived as a child. It gave me the dopamine and the bit of hope I needed to not mentally break. Eventually, I got too used to it, and up until now, it has become a constant source of happiness for me and a way to ignore my own reality.
2. I’ve never really had many friends growing up cause I was honestly a weirdo. It made me jealous of people who did have a lot of friends and could express themselves easier in school. This jealous turned into a void of self-esteem issues and the need for validation. Which explains why I see myself as the hero who saves everyone in my dream.
3. Ties in with reason#1. Due to the emotional abuse I suffered, I have always had an internal battle with the idea of freedom. After years of feeling constantly being under strict control and finally getting out of it, it didn’t leave me no scars. I found that I could never say No to people and become a sort of a people pleaser, tying in with reason#2. My shaky up-bringing left me feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere, no secure place to call home. I feel like this is why I want to see myself as powerful— someone who has the courage to finally seek their own happiness without needing other people, the person I’ve always wanted to be.
4. As for why I die a tragic death of a martyr in my dream, perhaps it ties in with my need to be remembered, the need to MATTER. Constantly, I’ve never really felt like my contributions mattered to the world compared to everyone else. This jealousy, comparing myself to others, the need for validation is what most likely sparked the “self-sacrifice” in the dream sequence.
Final Thoughts:
Honestly, maladaptive daydreaming has got me through a lot of
shit in my life, but it has gone to a point where I am addicted from the constant happiness it gives me.Additionally, it has also led me to believe maladaptive daydreaming maybe more of a byproduct of other current/previous mental illness one has experienced.
If your brain gets to used to it, and it feels good, then the brain will cement that action into your head. It’s like a scar that continues to throb years after it’s been healed (i know, i’m making a lot of cheesy methapors
but ya get it), and you can’t help but give it an old itch.I mean, I kind of understand why our brain does this. Why would it let go such a wonderful method to induce happiness simply from just
?Anyways, this wasn’t really a logical “haha gotcha mental illness, i finally understand you!”, I’m sure it’s different from everyone, even though some will relate to this. Writing this at 1:21 am just seemed like a good idea to make myself feel better.
). I think this is because I don’t really have anyone by my side that would take the time to listen and help me with my mental condition. I’m different and that is the reason why I’m alone (why many are alone).