Do I actually have MD? Please help I’m uncertain.

Hi, I’m 15 years old, I have been experiencing extensive and intense daydreaming ever since I was little, to what I remember around the age of 6 from just daydreaming about me spending time with Disney princesses to characters from shows or animes and celebrities to something more darker and personal to the point I would cry or slowly progress from anger into rage that would result in me destroying objects or things physically and also in my daydreams — especially in my daydreams —It would be ‘e destroying objects, places, and people who may have been linked to my daydream which triggers negative thoughts.

Ig what triggers my pleasant daydreaming is basically anything and everything, I find joy making something into a story I could literally be watching paint dry and I’d make a story out of it.

I tend to daydream upon hours that were scattered or consistent in a day, my average was about 4 hours, I would have my ‘pacing’ sessions where I would just walk in a room back and forth for hours sometimes accompanied by music, alone with my thoughts. My family knew it was my ‘thing’ my mom would still write It off, my sister would just be really weirded out. Even when I’m not walking I’d do it anywhere anyplace EVERYDAY, what I know for sure is that I’ve not missed on day of daydreaming, never. Even when I perform chores or school work, that’s why I would be one of the slowest. I also have a hard time concentrating and I was very aware of this when I’m at school but never thought it would ever be connected to MD. I didn’t even know what MD was before today when I came across it on Tik tok👺, how they described it made me really relate to it, I was really hesitant about it at first because I don’t want to act like one of those people that self diagnoses themselves for fun, I find it disgusting and I don’t want to be mistaken for one of them, that’s probably why I tend not to face any problems I may mentally have, I don’t want to be an attention seeker, well that’s why I’m here to ask if whether I do have MD.

I remember when I talk to my friends in class I would describe how I’m not bored in certain subjects or conversations, I tell them “just turn on the tv in your head, then you’ll never be bored” then they would look at me all confused and say that’s weird and ask how I do it, when I describe it they look weirded out saying it’s not something that they could do and say it’s strange, I’ve always thought that everyone had their own little tv but that day I realized not everyone had one and it was not ‘normal’ according to my friends.
When I later came home I asked my sister if she had her own tv in her head, she then gave me a look and said that it’s just me, again saying it’s weird, then continues to recall times when we were in conversations I would zone out and times she’d watch me daydream describing me as making facial expressions and hand gestures and sometimes I would mutter some words. Later that day my sister told me that I may have anxiety, and some kind of ‘disability’ again she begins to recall that I have an extremely abnormal frequency of yelling out words from embarrassing memories from when I imagine extremely uncomfortable scenarios in my head, the countless nights I couldn’t sleep due to intense worrying and daydreaming, my ‘anxiety’ is always caused by daydreaming or certain situations I’m in and always proceeds that way, she also always points out the intense urge I have to hold her hand and fiddle with it, squeezing it really hard that it would hurt, I now refrain from squeezing her hand since she gets really mad after. But later on she lets me ‘squeeze’ her hand as in massage. It’s an extreme comfort for me to hold someone’s hand when I overload with fear and worry.

In the beginning of all my normal daydreams it would start off as something pleasant: where I would make my characters say things to one another always having me be in third person always picking a favored character wishing it was me watching from a distance giving her all the things that I would have wanted, for example a close and an endearing friend who would listen and at the same time the character expressing their feelings wouldn’t be a burden and none of her words would be ever used against her, those are one of the listless scenarios in my head over the years of stories, universes, plots that I have complied in my head.

As I grew older it became more graphic, when I little(6 and up) just like any child I was disciplined but maybe not in the way some parents would agree with, I was beaten with a belt and other ways (I wasn’t anything too harsh at the time) but as time moved on the punishments would prove to be some way my mom let out her anger, she would go on to say that ‘I hate doing this, but I’m doing this because I care’ and as usual ‘this is for your own good’ but the things she would say while hitting me or before or after hitting me said otherwise, her words hurt me more then any way she found to to hit me ( sorry I’m starting to go into details I’ll stop this wasn’t the point😹) anyway😳 when things started to escalate from these things or even before it ‘escalated’ that my daydreams were extremely violent affecting how I would interact with people or talk to my family, my mom would always be in the center of the majority of my painful daydreams at every time of the day, it would be me harming or killing myself in many ways I could think of, choking, hanging, stabbing, poisoning, gassing, looking out my balcony and dreaming that I would jump and the sound of the crack at the end of me falling going into a graphic ‘splatt’ having the daydreams actually progress into me slowly making that into a reality making small steps to that visualized Goal, it would also be either her dying or me killing her and screaming out all my feelings and emotions at her just making her stand still and listen to me then disappear, these daydreams would be triggered after a beating or an heated argument it could be intense or something extremely simple like a small disagreement and for some reason when I hear experiences of children getting hit makes me boil with hatred for these people I don’t even know, wishing for them to die in the most painful way possible and me primarily being the cause of it,

When my mom would ‘lecture’ me, is more like how to hurt me the most then to help me see what I did wrong, I would often replay it in my head what she said or did to me, all I remember from those lessons was how I was hurt mentally and physically and it constantly plays on replay in my head most of the week, every night, in every dream; like details on where I was I hit, how was I hit, what she said when I was hit, how much it hurt, how much it made me cry and the anger that surged through during and after. As it continued after every beating I started to go numb like when she would hit me or say anything my mind would automatically go into daydreaming, I think of when it’s over,
The aftermath of things or how I would like to see her suffer like; watching her be run over by a car and become roadkill
or I would just repeat a phrase or word in my head until it’s over, like ‘die die die’ ‘drop dead I want to drop dead drop dead’ ‘please end end end please be over over’.

after these thoughts are over or the daydream is over I’m revolted by my , I thought I was going crazy and that I’m a horrible person, as punishment I would put myself in disturbing scenarios that would cause me stress to the point where it would be visible such as heavy breathing or sweating and my heart would be racing out of my chest, when I really reflect on what I put myself through in my head I’m truly shocked and shaken that I don’t want to type it out anymore.
I don’t know why but it’s a habit to make the characters in my head to suffer from pain of any sort on a daily basis, I most DEFINITELY do NOT enjoy it I would cry with them and get angry with them and I don’t know why, why would I put them through it in the first place, why would my thoughts be that twisted? Does this make me a horrible person even though I would never do such a thing?