Suicidal Daydreams + other shit (a rant)
Jan 18, 2021 7:05:37 GMT
alvi, fellowmder, and 2 more like this
Post by thedolphinbaby57 on Jan 18, 2021 7:05:37 GMT
Hey. Long time no see here on this site. First off I just wanna say Happy New Year to everyone in this group and that I hope you're taking care of yourself. I meant to make a thread a few weeks back but I accidentally clicked on another tab and I came back here and everything was gone so I just didn't make another till now. but I'm here now and that's all that matters! 
Anyways, let's begin.
I remember a couple of months ago I made a thread saying I was going to get on a recovery path for Madd. I will tell you form the get-go that is not a simple and easy task. I made some mistakes, the urge is still there, but I manage and get through my days till getting what I need done..done. I used to time myself for how long I can daydream for each day or when the I get the urge which is roughly 15-20 minutes a day. It failed very quickly and I would go over my limit. I learned and was also told from people on the internet that I can't go cold turkey. Madd isn't a switch that you can turn off in a heartbeat. It's an addiction and it's very, VERY hard to let go of things that you're addicted to. Especially if you are emotionally connected to it. I just gotta be patient with myself and figure healthy coping strategies that'll help me heal from this. I'm tired of giving every inch of my life and energy to my mind to whom I have a toxic relationship with. I know Madd is bad for me and it's killing me emotionally and mentally every day yet I do nothing about it and just wake up in bed hoping that everything will magically change for the better on its own when it's not going to. I sometimes feel like I'm a puppet on strings and Madd is the one controlling me..laughing evilly down at me as it takes control on my life and destroys me. I feel like it's some presence that follows me around everywhere I go and won't leave my side. No matter what I do it won't. fucking. back. off. I'm either
about he future or reminiscing on the past and never living in the present. The present moment is taken from me and I can't get it back. Not one second.
On to the next thing which I'm sure grabbed your attention, suicidal daydreams. I know scary huh? Well for the past several weeks I've had daydreams where I daydream about myself having suicidal thoughts and actions and being depressed or super super lonely. In these daydreams (starting to hate that word now) I would have a bunch of pills in my hand (mainly Fentanyl since that's a drug that kills you. Learned that from Law-ed class) and debated it if I should commit or not. Sometimes I would and sometimes I didn't. Someone wold show up in my apartment and find me unconscious on the bathroom floor and they would try and save me and I would make it. Other times I didn't. I had one where I was about to shoot myself in the basement of someone's home and someone found me in the nick of time or someone found that I hung myself. I remember watching a video about signs to know if someone is suicidal and I cried because I thought that was me. I thought I was suicidal. I did end up contacting the National Suicide Prevention Hotline on their online chat service not on the phone. Twice. I told them both about Madd and how I felt and what was going on and although they never heard about it..they still listened and understood and tried to find ways to help me. I still remember their names to this day. I thank them both. It was a tough and scary experience and I'm glad it kinda stopped for now but I still have daydreams about being lonely and shit and it still kinda lingers.
My root of cause and triggers/telling people about Madd. Loneliness. I'm lonely. Isn't everyone? I bet they haven't gone through for a long time like me. Ha. It's funny how all this loneliness shit caused me to start making fantasies and making me want to visit my own head. (I'm being sarcastic btw) I've been lonely since the 5th grade and all throughout middle school and still am. I have friends but I guess they're not enough. Nothing's enough and I'm unsatisfied with everything. I always feel left out and different from everyone else. I always felt like an outcast to my own friends and was always misunderstood. I don't feel connected to anyone except for my best friend. But even then I may not be connected to her as I think I am. I haven't seen any of my other friends in a long time since this pandemic started and I barely made any new friends this year even though my school has been going to class in person now more often now. We have started a new semester with new classes so maybe I'll make new friends? I hope so. I can't cling on to the ones I have now forever. But even then that still won't make this
, sappy feeling go away. How in the world to you cope with loneliness exactly? I can always look it up but will it change anything? Probably not. I'm going through this tough battle alone with no family or friend support because I can't say not one word about this to anyone. No matter how hard I try. I tried telling people in the past. Didn't work. Tried telling my bsf. Kinda worked? She says she understands and I sent her a article about it and told her to do some research since it's complicated to explain but I don't think she did any of that. I try telling her but I feel like she barely gets it. I feel like I'm helpless. I feel people are only temporary no matter how long they stay in your life. They always come and go. As for my triggers... tv shows, movies, social media, real life events big or small, even real people or places or things. Probably certain kinds of music. (well any music really) i feel like I can't be a normal human being and enjoy the most basic things in life without it negatively affecting me. Then again my daydream got so bad I don't need anything to trigger me anymore it just happens on its own now. My pacing and facial expressions and random sayings have no end. I can really feel myself going crazy. I've never been okay.
Now for the recovery, it's a long journey and process..but I know I'll make it :D It's okay if I fail. It happens to everyone and the only thing I can do is get back up and keep trying. I've started staying consistent with my flexibility and workouts, making my bed every morning, doing the small little things. Just getting up out of bed and washing my face and getting dressed is already enough. Doing all the extra stuff like going to school and working, exercising and doing whatever else is already such a huge daily achievement. Yes my fantasies may grab my attention but I'm in two honor classes (world geography and English) and have all A's in all my classes so far. I still manage to get my work done at a good if not better effort. It's hard but I make it and for that proves that I'm a tough person and that I don't let even the heaviest of things get me down. I know what I want and how I'm gonna get it. It's gonna be hard and the urge is there. But I got this. I know I got this. I can do this. Despite whatever lies my mind tells me. It took five years away from me..I won't let it take another >:(
That's it for now space cadets! If you're here then I wholeheartedly thank you for reading to the end. I know it was one hell of a roller coaster but I just had to get this off my chest. I may make another thread very soon but I'm
when though. You'll just have to wait and see. I hope you all have a fantastic new year and the best of days! I know it's a tough one already but we can do it! We all made it through a whole year of a pandemic did we? Let's see what else we can tackle! I'm signing off for now it's very late where I live at but i hope you have a nice peaceful day/night. I know I will for now. 
!
Thedolphinbaby57
Anyways, let's begin.I remember a couple of months ago I made a thread saying I was going to get on a recovery path for Madd. I will tell you form the get-go that is not a simple and easy task. I made some mistakes, the urge is still there, but I manage and get through my days till getting what I need done..done. I used to time myself for how long I can daydream for each day or when the I get the urge which is roughly 15-20 minutes a day. It failed very quickly and I would go over my limit. I learned and was also told from people on the internet that I can't go cold turkey. Madd isn't a switch that you can turn off in a heartbeat. It's an addiction and it's very, VERY hard to let go of things that you're addicted to. Especially if you are emotionally connected to it. I just gotta be patient with myself and figure healthy coping strategies that'll help me heal from this. I'm tired of giving every inch of my life and energy to my mind to whom I have a toxic relationship with. I know Madd is bad for me and it's killing me emotionally and mentally every day yet I do nothing about it and just wake up in bed hoping that everything will magically change for the better on its own when it's not going to. I sometimes feel like I'm a puppet on strings and Madd is the one controlling me..laughing evilly down at me as it takes control on my life and destroys me. I feel like it's some presence that follows me around everywhere I go and won't leave my side. No matter what I do it won't. fucking. back. off. I'm either
about he future or reminiscing on the past and never living in the present. The present moment is taken from me and I can't get it back. Not one second.On to the next thing which I'm sure grabbed your attention, suicidal daydreams. I know scary huh? Well for the past several weeks I've had daydreams where I daydream about myself having suicidal thoughts and actions and being depressed or super super lonely. In these daydreams (starting to hate that word now) I would have a bunch of pills in my hand (mainly Fentanyl since that's a drug that kills you. Learned that from Law-ed class) and debated it if I should commit or not. Sometimes I would and sometimes I didn't. Someone wold show up in my apartment and find me unconscious on the bathroom floor and they would try and save me and I would make it. Other times I didn't. I had one where I was about to shoot myself in the basement of someone's home and someone found me in the nick of time or someone found that I hung myself. I remember watching a video about signs to know if someone is suicidal and I cried because I thought that was me. I thought I was suicidal. I did end up contacting the National Suicide Prevention Hotline on their online chat service not on the phone. Twice. I told them both about Madd and how I felt and what was going on and although they never heard about it..they still listened and understood and tried to find ways to help me. I still remember their names to this day. I thank them both. It was a tough and scary experience and I'm glad it kinda stopped for now but I still have daydreams about being lonely and shit and it still kinda lingers.
My root of cause and triggers/telling people about Madd. Loneliness. I'm lonely. Isn't everyone? I bet they haven't gone through for a long time like me. Ha. It's funny how all this loneliness shit caused me to start making fantasies and making me want to visit my own head. (I'm being sarcastic btw) I've been lonely since the 5th grade and all throughout middle school and still am. I have friends but I guess they're not enough. Nothing's enough and I'm unsatisfied with everything. I always feel left out and different from everyone else. I always felt like an outcast to my own friends and was always misunderstood. I don't feel connected to anyone except for my best friend. But even then I may not be connected to her as I think I am. I haven't seen any of my other friends in a long time since this pandemic started and I barely made any new friends this year even though my school has been going to class in person now more often now. We have started a new semester with new classes so maybe I'll make new friends? I hope so. I can't cling on to the ones I have now forever. But even then that still won't make this
, sappy feeling go away. How in the world to you cope with loneliness exactly? I can always look it up but will it change anything? Probably not. I'm going through this tough battle alone with no family or friend support because I can't say not one word about this to anyone. No matter how hard I try. I tried telling people in the past. Didn't work. Tried telling my bsf. Kinda worked? She says she understands and I sent her a article about it and told her to do some research since it's complicated to explain but I don't think she did any of that. I try telling her but I feel like she barely gets it. I feel like I'm helpless. I feel people are only temporary no matter how long they stay in your life. They always come and go. As for my triggers... tv shows, movies, social media, real life events big or small, even real people or places or things. Probably certain kinds of music. (well any music really) i feel like I can't be a normal human being and enjoy the most basic things in life without it negatively affecting me. Then again my daydream got so bad I don't need anything to trigger me anymore it just happens on its own now. My pacing and facial expressions and random sayings have no end. I can really feel myself going crazy. I've never been okay. Now for the recovery, it's a long journey and process..but I know I'll make it :D It's okay if I fail. It happens to everyone and the only thing I can do is get back up and keep trying. I've started staying consistent with my flexibility and workouts, making my bed every morning, doing the small little things. Just getting up out of bed and washing my face and getting dressed is already enough. Doing all the extra stuff like going to school and working, exercising and doing whatever else is already such a huge daily achievement. Yes my fantasies may grab my attention but I'm in two honor classes (world geography and English) and have all A's in all my classes so far. I still manage to get my work done at a good if not better effort. It's hard but I make it and for that proves that I'm a tough person and that I don't let even the heaviest of things get me down. I know what I want and how I'm gonna get it. It's gonna be hard and the urge is there. But I got this. I know I got this. I can do this. Despite whatever lies my mind tells me. It took five years away from me..I won't let it take another >:(
That's it for now space cadets! If you're here then I wholeheartedly thank you for reading to the end. I know it was one hell of a roller coaster but I just had to get this off my chest. I may make another thread very soon but I'm
when though. You'll just have to wait and see. I hope you all have a fantastic new year and the best of days! I know it's a tough one already but we can do it! We all made it through a whole year of a pandemic did we? Let's see what else we can tackle! I'm signing off for now it's very late where I live at but i hope you have a nice peaceful day/night. I know I will for now. 
!Thedolphinbaby57
