Post by thedolphinbaby57 on Apr 6, 2021 2:18:22 GMT
Hello everyone! I'm finally back and active on this forum after being inactive on here for over a month straight. It had hit me that i haven't been on here in a while and that there was so many things I needed to release off my chest and only to the people who understand exactly what I'm talking about. So here we go!
A lot has been going on with me really ever since the start of my school year this year which is freshmen year. Only one year of high school and already I want to drop out due to all the shit I've been facing and how stuck of a hole I'm in. First thing first is that my grandpa has recently passed away due to liver cancer. I had really wanted to see him for the last time before he passed but because his kidneys and liver were failing and his whole body was shutting down so quickly that he only died in a couple of hours the night before Easter. It hurts a lot knowing that I'll never see him again or to see walk out the door in the middle of the night to deliver newspapers to people's houses. I won't be able to hear his jokes and his crazy little rambles he would have with Grandma or his supportive pep talks and him just supporting my dream of going to space. I can't hear his jokes or see him get cranky when he hasn't ate yet. I'll forever miss him but I know he'll always be watching over me. It feels unreal. Today felt like a normal day but I knew it wasn't a normal day. I've been looking out for my grandma who misses him and wishes he was still here. I can't go back to my dad's house knowing he's not in his room sleeping or watching tv. I feel so empty and earlier today I went shopping with my dad, grandma, and my aunt to go look for outfits for his funeral at the end of the week. I really wish today was just a normal shopping day without a certain purpose but I had to find a white a dress for his funeral. In the end I'm wearing a black dress. It's hit even more considering I'm on spring break and this just happened and I'm ending it with a funeral. He was so stoked to celebrate my 16th birthday in the fall and to see me drive. He was so ready to see me graduate high school when I'm 18. Now he'll never see that or my baby sister turn 1. But I know that whatever I do in life he'll always be proud of me and love me with all his heart. I just know he's not suffering no more.
Second thing, which I'm sure everyone has been through at some point in high school has been through, insecurities and loneliness (except more loneliness for me since I've already been through this shit). Ever Day 1 of high school I've been feeling more and more lonely even though I've had my only friend in the same math class as me. But now that the new semester is in session and we don't have the same classes we've sorta lost contact and don't facetime or text as much as we used to. She's been hanging out with all her other friends and I've barely made any throughout the school year. My other two close friends i haven't seen in person either. One I see only on days when she ride the bus and the other is when she calls me on weekends when she'snot doing online school and her parents aren't home. The other friends I had in middle school I haven't been in touch with and just don't know how they are or where they are. I just see all these people hanging out with each other without a care in the world, people showing screenshots of funny replies and videos, people showing off their friends. I just walk around so lonely and just desperate for someone to talk to me. I felt like it was because of the way I look and that I looked plain or boring and unattractive. I've started watching makeup tutorials and just
that maybe if I look nice and dress nice then someone will come my way or notice me. I did download a app on my phone called Mood. It's a nice app and I connected with some people on there. There's this one person I connected with online and he's been a BIG help. We have very similar interest and hobbies. We both understood each other and had the same sense of humor. He always said such kind things and always told me good morning and good night. He always made me smile and laugh even though it was just words on a screen. He just get me and I got him. I told him about Madd and he was the first person I told who didn't brush me off or think i was weird or crazy. He genuinely cared about me and my condition and wanted to do anything that helped me. he always listened to me and always asked questions and always tried to understand it the best he could. It sucks he was only through a screen on app. I really wish we could see each other in person and go to the same school and be in the same grade. It's crazy how you meet some of the best people online. As far as in person friends I've really only made one and she's from the marching band. I never did get her contact or anything so now I just see her while passing through the halls. People always say that people will come in and out of your life but mine have just slowly drifted apart. Even when having friends I still felt very lonely and just feeling like an outcast and being misunderstood. I now feel like I'm just getting used to this feeling now and anyone who does come talk to me will either be out of force or because they want a favor out of me. I just feel unwanted at this point now.
Third and lastly,as you all should know, Madd. Madd has obviously gotten worse over the months. Ever since the pandemic started, it just skyrocketed and hit it ultimate's peak. I'm at the point where I can't do a simple task for FIVE FUCKING SECONDS without daydreaming and pacing all around my small duplex. I can't shower, can't sleep, can't eat, can't walk, can't change clothes without juts dding and not even realizing it. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate being home alone (although loving to be home alone) knowing that I'm gonna go into the living room and just pace and dd myself senseless. I've had made a plan about how to control my Madd and what causes it and all. Really I was just making false hope for myself because I didn't do shit of what I wrote. I remember typing in my last two posts that I was not gonna let Madd consume me knowing damn well it already did. The entire day I'm just stuck in my head and never fully 100% in the present. I never fully know what's happening or what I'm feeling. I'm so emotionally connected with these characters in my head that I don't know if the emotions I feel are fake or real. Is it all in my head or am I actually mad/
/happy/disgusted? I've journal ed to myself that these emotions I feel from my dd's are fake because my fantasies are fake which means my emotions are fake. Yet when in reality, I feel sorta empty or irritated. Every time I talk about the idealized version of myself in my head weather to myself or to someone else I always name her "Beth". I don't want to use my real name because I feel like if I do then I'm giving my whole life and identity away to some fake version or character of myself. I do this with other characters in my head too. "Daisie", "Theodore", "Jae", "Molly". The only ones not in quotation marks are people I daydream about who are actually real people and not made up in my head. Oliver, Diego, Raphael, Cory, Victor. Sp basically the people in quotation marks are people I made up and the ones without it are people who are real people. Another thing I wanted to add was that I came to a realization that my crushes were really just idealized obsessions. Whenever someone I see catches my eye and I think about them, my mind starts to daydream a shit ton about them. For example, there's this boy in my concert band class (who was also in marching band but I didn't pay attention to him at the time) who plays the saxophone and I thought he was cute (he's average he could cut his hair some) and afterwards I just kept daydreaming about them non stop and yet never gaining a crush on him or never saying not one word to him. I don't know him except as "boy who plays the saxophone in my band class". But i feel like because of this it tricks my brain into I have a crush on him and that's when the obsession begins. I guess I never had a healthy and full crush on somebody like I thought I did. I just saw them and thought "huh what a wonderful person to be in my head".
At this point my life has hit rock bottom. I never felt the things I feel now and I just feel like my life has gone to complete shit. Everyday I feel like I'm deteriorating on the inside and there's nothing I can about it. I'm kinda used to it now it feels like a daily routine now. Whatever happens I guess happens. I'm just seeing how much more into the darkness I go until I can't see the light anymore.
Thanks a Bunch for reading! I appreciate it and it means a lot to me always :D
-thedolphinbaby57
A lot has been going on with me really ever since the start of my school year this year which is freshmen year. Only one year of high school and already I want to drop out due to all the shit I've been facing and how stuck of a hole I'm in. First thing first is that my grandpa has recently passed away due to liver cancer. I had really wanted to see him for the last time before he passed but because his kidneys and liver were failing and his whole body was shutting down so quickly that he only died in a couple of hours the night before Easter. It hurts a lot knowing that I'll never see him again or to see walk out the door in the middle of the night to deliver newspapers to people's houses. I won't be able to hear his jokes and his crazy little rambles he would have with Grandma or his supportive pep talks and him just supporting my dream of going to space. I can't hear his jokes or see him get cranky when he hasn't ate yet. I'll forever miss him but I know he'll always be watching over me. It feels unreal. Today felt like a normal day but I knew it wasn't a normal day. I've been looking out for my grandma who misses him and wishes he was still here. I can't go back to my dad's house knowing he's not in his room sleeping or watching tv. I feel so empty and earlier today I went shopping with my dad, grandma, and my aunt to go look for outfits for his funeral at the end of the week. I really wish today was just a normal shopping day without a certain purpose but I had to find a white a dress for his funeral. In the end I'm wearing a black dress. It's hit even more considering I'm on spring break and this just happened and I'm ending it with a funeral. He was so stoked to celebrate my 16th birthday in the fall and to see me drive. He was so ready to see me graduate high school when I'm 18. Now he'll never see that or my baby sister turn 1. But I know that whatever I do in life he'll always be proud of me and love me with all his heart. I just know he's not suffering no more.
Second thing, which I'm sure everyone has been through at some point in high school has been through, insecurities and loneliness (except more loneliness for me since I've already been through this shit). Ever Day 1 of high school I've been feeling more and more lonely even though I've had my only friend in the same math class as me. But now that the new semester is in session and we don't have the same classes we've sorta lost contact and don't facetime or text as much as we used to. She's been hanging out with all her other friends and I've barely made any throughout the school year. My other two close friends i haven't seen in person either. One I see only on days when she ride the bus and the other is when she calls me on weekends when she'snot doing online school and her parents aren't home. The other friends I had in middle school I haven't been in touch with and just don't know how they are or where they are. I just see all these people hanging out with each other without a care in the world, people showing screenshots of funny replies and videos, people showing off their friends. I just walk around so lonely and just desperate for someone to talk to me. I felt like it was because of the way I look and that I looked plain or boring and unattractive. I've started watching makeup tutorials and just
that maybe if I look nice and dress nice then someone will come my way or notice me. I did download a app on my phone called Mood. It's a nice app and I connected with some people on there. There's this one person I connected with online and he's been a BIG help. We have very similar interest and hobbies. We both understood each other and had the same sense of humor. He always said such kind things and always told me good morning and good night. He always made me smile and laugh even though it was just words on a screen. He just get me and I got him. I told him about Madd and he was the first person I told who didn't brush me off or think i was weird or crazy. He genuinely cared about me and my condition and wanted to do anything that helped me. he always listened to me and always asked questions and always tried to understand it the best he could. It sucks he was only through a screen on app. I really wish we could see each other in person and go to the same school and be in the same grade. It's crazy how you meet some of the best people online. As far as in person friends I've really only made one and she's from the marching band. I never did get her contact or anything so now I just see her while passing through the halls. People always say that people will come in and out of your life but mine have just slowly drifted apart. Even when having friends I still felt very lonely and just feeling like an outcast and being misunderstood. I now feel like I'm just getting used to this feeling now and anyone who does come talk to me will either be out of force or because they want a favor out of me. I just feel unwanted at this point now. Third and lastly,as you all should know, Madd. Madd has obviously gotten worse over the months. Ever since the pandemic started, it just skyrocketed and hit it ultimate's peak. I'm at the point where I can't do a simple task for FIVE FUCKING SECONDS without daydreaming and pacing all around my small duplex. I can't shower, can't sleep, can't eat, can't walk, can't change clothes without juts dding and not even realizing it. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate being home alone (although loving to be home alone) knowing that I'm gonna go into the living room and just pace and dd myself senseless. I've had made a plan about how to control my Madd and what causes it and all. Really I was just making false hope for myself because I didn't do shit of what I wrote. I remember typing in my last two posts that I was not gonna let Madd consume me knowing damn well it already did. The entire day I'm just stuck in my head and never fully 100% in the present. I never fully know what's happening or what I'm feeling. I'm so emotionally connected with these characters in my head that I don't know if the emotions I feel are fake or real. Is it all in my head or am I actually mad/
/happy/disgusted? I've journal ed to myself that these emotions I feel from my dd's are fake because my fantasies are fake which means my emotions are fake. Yet when in reality, I feel sorta empty or irritated. Every time I talk about the idealized version of myself in my head weather to myself or to someone else I always name her "Beth". I don't want to use my real name because I feel like if I do then I'm giving my whole life and identity away to some fake version or character of myself. I do this with other characters in my head too. "Daisie", "Theodore", "Jae", "Molly". The only ones not in quotation marks are people I daydream about who are actually real people and not made up in my head. Oliver, Diego, Raphael, Cory, Victor. Sp basically the people in quotation marks are people I made up and the ones without it are people who are real people. Another thing I wanted to add was that I came to a realization that my crushes were really just idealized obsessions. Whenever someone I see catches my eye and I think about them, my mind starts to daydream a shit ton about them. For example, there's this boy in my concert band class (who was also in marching band but I didn't pay attention to him at the time) who plays the saxophone and I thought he was cute (he's average he could cut his hair some) and afterwards I just kept daydreaming about them non stop and yet never gaining a crush on him or never saying not one word to him. I don't know him except as "boy who plays the saxophone in my band class". But i feel like because of this it tricks my brain into I have a crush on him and that's when the obsession begins. I guess I never had a healthy and full crush on somebody like I thought I did. I just saw them and thought "huh what a wonderful person to be in my head". At this point my life has hit rock bottom. I never felt the things I feel now and I just feel like my life has gone to complete shit. Everyday I feel like I'm deteriorating on the inside and there's nothing I can about it. I'm kinda used to it now it feels like a daily routine now. Whatever happens I guess happens. I'm just seeing how much more into the darkness I go until I can't see the light anymore.
Thanks a Bunch for reading! I appreciate it and it means a lot to me always :D
-thedolphinbaby57
So sorry for your loss, it seems that you were very close with your grandpa and I can't even imagine how it must feel, hope you're doing well. I think everyone on here relates to the aggravation of Madd since quarantine began, it has been a rough couple of months for the likes of us. Always here if you want someone to talk to.