My daily dreams

I'm 24, from Belgium, and I have had MD ever since I can remember. Seriously. It feels like there hasn't been a day in my life I haven't been daydreaming.

I do believe it appeared mainly because of the violent environment I grew up in. My father was quite literally a monster back then, and I've heard and seen things I don't think a kid's ever supposed to hear or see. It was because of alcohol and drugs, + very bad influence from his godfather, and nowadays he's the total opposite of what he used to be but still, it did destroy us all. While my sister grew up in denial, and in keeping appearances, etc., I grew up locking myself up in a made-up world, influenced by what I'd read about, or see on TV, with music as a huuuuge trigger, etc.

I learned about MD doing research online a few years back, because I literally thought I was insane, that people would lock me up when I'd be older, I was really scared and unhappy. Finding out I wasn't alone helped me tremendously. I never really thought of MD as an obstacle tbh, I'm not distressed because of it, I like it, it helps me escape a very bad mental place. I'm not saying it helps my mental health, it just helps me avoid about everything that went wrong and still goes wrong in my life. I do believe, however, that I am addicted to it, and I am sometimes worried about that. I also noticed that when I was younger, I was way more immersed in my stories than I am nowadays, where I can barely ever reach the end of a plotline. I instead repeat the same scenes over and over again, while earlier in my life, I could keep creating new plots endlessly. I don't know what that says about where I'm at in life or mentally, but it saddens me. I also would cry, smile, laugh along with the characters in my head, on command, but I can't anymore. I still sometimes smile or laugh out loud on accident, but that's about it.

Anyway, instead of letting it be poisonous (it can get annoying when I try to sleep or when I try to get out of bed on the week-ends, hell, I even got lost in town not long ago  because I was too focused on my daydream and didn't notice I walked past the turn I had to make), I try to make it as relevant as I can in my life. I have always been drawing and writing stories, ever since I was a kid. So, I'm finally working on my own dark-fantasy series of books. I think getting into these extremely vivid daydreams can be of help, because I can really be in my characters' heads, I know how to make them change along with their psychology, etc. I don't want to stop daydreaming, I don't think it has to be a bad thing, and I think I'm too attached to my imagination to risk letting it slip away. In a way, I need it. Well, I guess that's what addicts often think. But what can I say, I just can't help it. If I lose this, what do I have left ? I literally daydream 24/7, there's not a minute where I don't go to that place in my head where "I" am in a scenario I want to be in, with the people I want to be with, living the life I'd rather be living, be who I'd rather be. It's not that I dislike who I am in realy life, it has nothing to do with self-hatred. I just like it better where I can have what I want/need to have, and so on and so forth. I just mix it with my daily routine, I find way to make that relevant to my daydreams, and it just works itself out, like it always does.