Post by thedolphinbaby57 on Dec 2, 2021 3:52:24 GMT
Hello Hello daydreamers! My name is Breanna and I'm finally posting again after a long time. I need to rant so let's cut to the chase!
I feel very out of control. For what seems like ages now I've been trapped and suffocating in this imaginary universe that's on repeat 24/7. My Madd was already bad from the get-go, but I feel like ever since the pandemic it has just gotten worse. I feel like my Madd is at my ultimate peak and there's nothing I can do at this point. I know what caused it. Which again is my loneliness despite having new friends now. I can't take it anymore. It's so draining and time-consuming and I'm just so tired of it. No EXHAUSTED from it. What I first thought was a playful habit turned out to be a mental draining, time consuming, uncontrollable addiction. The amount of days that have slipped by my fingertips is waaay too many. I feel like I can't do anything and that I'm held back from what I can truly be. Everything feels like a blur. I feel like I'm not someone who's a part of world, but yet more like I AM the world and everyone else just lives in it. It's like no matter what I do, see, hear it's going to be some kind of trigger for me. It's so hard trying to focus in class without zoning out every five seconds. I can't even fucking type this rant out without zoning out. It's such a stressful and overwhelming feeling. And I know I'm battling this tough and rough fight all by myself because I know that anyone else can't possibly relate to what I'm going through. Not even in the slightest. I feel like I have no reality now. Everything feels smashed together and I can't tell what's real and what's fake anymore. The only emotions I feel are in my head. No matter if it's a , happy, sexy, violent, angry daydream. I feel it all. And then when it's not there I feel nothing or confused or just bland or maybe bored even. I don't know if the things I remember are real memories or just a fantasy I had in the past. Sometimes I wonder if anyone or if my teachers notice and they just don't say anything. And when people do ask what I'm or that I;m zoning out I just tell them that I'm of random things. It's just the same thing everyday and I feel like I've gotten so used to this now. Although I'm drained everyday I just feel like it's my life. I'm used to it all now. Nothing is different. It's the same thing every day. Even I were to try and change something it will still be the same thing everyday. I remember a few weeks earlier I looked up about Madd for the hundredth time and the I looked up if it had anything to do with depression and I remember reading all about it and just wondering if Had depression. I just remember having a mental breakdown earlier because of it. Because as I said earlier I'm exhausted of everything. I'm trying to maintain my sleep schedule, do some journaling, draw, maybe start writing little short stories of the daydreams I be having. There's all these things I want to do and yet I can't do them. It's like I'm in a toxic relationship with my own brain. It's like a demon lurking inside of me and dragging me to the pits of hell each day. It's like a wolf in sheep's clothing waiting to make its attack. It's like a ghost haunting me at every moment. I feel like if I do try and get in touch with how I really feel, I can never do it. If I want to cry I can't cry. All I know is that I feel exhausted. Maybe exhausted is the only real emotion I feel. Then again I don't even know if that's how I really feel or if it's made up. I've been dealing with this for 6 years now. I'm not even 18 yet. Everyday feels so mundane. All I feel and know....DRAINAGE AND EXHAUSTION!
I wish I could scream, yet I've drowned in the thick water.
Thank you for reading all the way through! You're a real one! I'll end this here since I'm very sleepy. Feel free to say anything if you'd like. Thank you and until the next time I'm active on here again. /Goodday! :D