My story and other random thoughts about MD
Jun 11, 2019 17:12:59 GMT
via mobile
Dimmer, Sam, and 1 more like this
Post by flustrator on Jun 11, 2019 17:12:59 GMT
So it begins and ends with music. My basic routine: I listen to a song(s) and I fantasize that I wrote and produced it, I also fantasize about showing or playing the song to people I admire or the cute girl at work I have a crush on and they... enjoy it? Fall in love immediately? I’m not really sure. I’ve never actually articulated this in any form other than my own head, and boy is it weird. It all sounds kind of silly as I write this. I’m a musician, and I play a ton of different instruments, so the fantasies are detailed in that regard.
Here’s where I believe the maladaptive part comes in. Now there are times when I daydream like this and am fine afterwards, like when I walk to work. I get there and shut the music off and join the real world and it’s fine, probably because I’m a bartender and I am conversing with strangers and friends immediately afterwards. At night, or other times where I have free time or my mind wanders back to that cute girl I work with or that super creative song I really liked, I pop on the headphones and the fantasies begin, and with nothing to really stop it, I pace around until I get tired (fatigue), feel bad that I could have been using that time to write a song of my own (guilt), and just plain pissed at my self about how narcissistic the whole affair is (shame). It’s kind of like living two different lives.
I’ve curbed it quite a bit in the last few years, I’ll listen to an audiobook or a podcast instead, usually something in the self-development or educational category. Or I’ll mindlessly play the guitar or piano. Or I’ll read a book. Or watch a movie. There are so many other options. But the daydream is like a habit. And most of the time now, I can recognize and stop it. There’s the cue (cute girl, good song, other musicians I know putting out music), which triggers the daydream routine, which gives me the rewarding feeling of being an idealized version of myself without actually being that person. Honestly, I want to write songs with memorable, affecting lyrics, and interesting music, but I’m too lazy, too unmotivated, too afraid of inadequacy to put in the effort of writing hundreds of garbage songs before I get to the level of quality that would satisfy me enough to share with people, to make the daydream real, so to speak.
I think at its core it might be ADHD. I was diagnosed twice as a kid, but nothing every really came of that. And nowadays it seems like every other person on the street has a diagnosis and enough stimulants to revive a dead horse. Also probably some form of narcissistic personality disorder, which I have no idea where to begin to unpack that. Part of me believes that I can change my ways on my own, another part of me thinks that my brain is broken and I need some kind of treatment to help me. It’s a bit of a tug of war up there.
I’m making all of this sound rather dramatic, but it’s all pretty subtle, sitting under the surface while I go about actually pretty content with my life. I think working in the service industry has helped immensely, really broke me out of my shell and kept me from retreating even further into some fantasy world. If you have MD or social anxiety, I highly recommend working in a place that forces you to interact with people in a friendly way. It does wonders for my patience and also keeps me out of my own head. I used to be the poster boy for social anxiety. Not gonna say I’m cured, but loads better.
It’s nice to write about this so frankly, and even if no one reads this I think I’ll be better off for it. I haven’t even really looked back at what I wrote, so apologies if its a bit rambling.
Here’s where I believe the maladaptive part comes in. Now there are times when I daydream like this and am fine afterwards, like when I walk to work. I get there and shut the music off and join the real world and it’s fine, probably because I’m a bartender and I am conversing with strangers and friends immediately afterwards. At night, or other times where I have free time or my mind wanders back to that cute girl I work with or that super creative song I really liked, I pop on the headphones and the fantasies begin, and with nothing to really stop it, I pace around until I get tired (fatigue), feel bad that I could have been using that time to write a song of my own (guilt), and just plain pissed at my self about how narcissistic the whole affair is (shame). It’s kind of like living two different lives.
I’ve curbed it quite a bit in the last few years, I’ll listen to an audiobook or a podcast instead, usually something in the self-development or educational category. Or I’ll mindlessly play the guitar or piano. Or I’ll read a book. Or watch a movie. There are so many other options. But the daydream is like a habit. And most of the time now, I can recognize and stop it. There’s the cue (cute girl, good song, other musicians I know putting out music), which triggers the daydream routine, which gives me the rewarding feeling of being an idealized version of myself without actually being that person. Honestly, I want to write songs with memorable, affecting lyrics, and interesting music, but I’m too lazy, too unmotivated, too afraid of inadequacy to put in the effort of writing hundreds of garbage songs before I get to the level of quality that would satisfy me enough to share with people, to make the daydream real, so to speak.
I think at its core it might be ADHD. I was diagnosed twice as a kid, but nothing every really came of that. And nowadays it seems like every other person on the street has a diagnosis and enough stimulants to revive a dead horse. Also probably some form of narcissistic personality disorder, which I have no idea where to begin to unpack that. Part of me believes that I can change my ways on my own, another part of me thinks that my brain is broken and I need some kind of treatment to help me. It’s a bit of a tug of war up there.
I’m making all of this sound rather dramatic, but it’s all pretty subtle, sitting under the surface while I go about actually pretty content with my life. I think working in the service industry has helped immensely, really broke me out of my shell and kept me from retreating even further into some fantasy world. If you have MD or social anxiety, I highly recommend working in a place that forces you to interact with people in a friendly way. It does wonders for my patience and also keeps me out of my own head. I used to be the poster boy for social anxiety. Not gonna say I’m cured, but loads better.
It’s nice to write about this so frankly, and even if no one reads this I think I’ll be better off for it. I haven’t even really looked back at what I wrote, so apologies if its a bit rambling.
