Post by 4leafrose on Apr 23, 2020 4:21:38 GMT
Hi there! I'm a daydreaming addict of 20+ yrs old. I didn't know that maladaptive daydreaming was a thing until I stumbled upon a pinterest of a tumblr screenshot of one user telling another that they have this disorder... Crazy way to come across it, I know, but I realized that what the first user described sounded like me.. so out of curiosity, I googled everything I could about maladaptive daydreaming. Turns out I fit the description and it actually explains a lot. I still wasn't taking it seriously until I came across 'Maladaptive daydreaming disorder is often connected to childhood trauma/sexual abuse victims.'
So I have a disorder? Best disorder ever. Of all the coping mechanisms my brain could have picked... I'm incredibly happy with this result. Not that living with an addiction is ever easy, but at least I can have fun with this. I suppose I knew that my daydreaming wasn't normal. It just never occurred to me that it was a real problem... even though it was a REAL problem in the past when I was dealing with my trauma and didn't want to live in the real world anymore.
I think it started when I was 10 or 11. I went through a few months of constant high anxiety for no apparent reason. I cried all the time, I could barely function, I couldn't go to sleep in my own bed. Looking back, I think it was some sort of existential crisis because everything felt meaningless and I wondered what the point of life was between the crushing fear. That, or i was already being abused and just can't remember because i blocked it out... Anyway, in order to help me sleep at night, I developed a daydream that I would repeat each night. In it I was walking in a forest alone and there was a blizzard. The snow came up to my ankles and I would focus on it being cold and me losing consciousness from exposure. It sounds so morbid now that I put it into words
! But back then, it was oddly calming. I think I imagined that once I collapsed,then I would wake up again to someone who had found me and would continue to protect me and keep me safe.
That's where it started.
My daydreaming evolved from there. It didn't take long after I was able to sleep again that the anxiety went away and I daydreamed for fun. I imagined that I had super powers and would go on adventures. Then, as I had to confront the abuse and my abuser, it became something deeper and darker. My daydream-self eventually became a separate person from me and I gave her all the trauma I was going through and made her live it like I couldn't. She fought so hard while I was struggling... She was power when I felt weak, Bold and confident where I was insecure, vengence when I felt unavenged, and openly felt all the pain that I couldn't. She was control when my life was spinning out if control.
Now that it's over we are both still recovering. I don't try to escape as much as I used to but I still struggle from time to time. I'm there less because real life hurts and more because my dream life is more fun. It's an addiction... but I'll never kick the habit. It's one that's saved me as much as it's destroyed me. I just need to learn correct moderation...
So I have a disorder? Best disorder ever. Of all the coping mechanisms my brain could have picked... I'm incredibly happy with this result. Not that living with an addiction is ever easy, but at least I can have fun with this. I suppose I knew that my daydreaming wasn't normal. It just never occurred to me that it was a real problem... even though it was a REAL problem in the past when I was dealing with my trauma and didn't want to live in the real world anymore.
I think it started when I was 10 or 11. I went through a few months of constant high anxiety for no apparent reason. I cried all the time, I could barely function, I couldn't go to sleep in my own bed. Looking back, I think it was some sort of existential crisis because everything felt meaningless and I wondered what the point of life was between the crushing fear. That, or i was already being abused and just can't remember because i blocked it out... Anyway, in order to help me sleep at night, I developed a daydream that I would repeat each night. In it I was walking in a forest alone and there was a blizzard. The snow came up to my ankles and I would focus on it being cold and me losing consciousness from exposure. It sounds so morbid now that I put it into words
! But back then, it was oddly calming. I think I imagined that once I collapsed,then I would wake up again to someone who had found me and would continue to protect me and keep me safe.That's where it started.
My daydreaming evolved from there. It didn't take long after I was able to sleep again that the anxiety went away and I daydreamed for fun. I imagined that I had super powers and would go on adventures. Then, as I had to confront the abuse and my abuser, it became something deeper and darker. My daydream-self eventually became a separate person from me and I gave her all the trauma I was going through and made her live it like I couldn't. She fought so hard while I was struggling... She was power when I felt weak, Bold and confident where I was insecure, vengence when I felt unavenged, and openly felt all the pain that I couldn't. She was control when my life was spinning out if control.
Now that it's over we are both still recovering. I don't try to escape as much as I used to but I still struggle from time to time. I'm there less because real life hurts and more because my dream life is more fun. It's an addiction... but I'll never kick the habit. It's one that's saved me as much as it's destroyed me. I just need to learn correct moderation...
