Post by patriciaaa on May 29, 2020 16:57:06 GMT
MD is losing its grip on me, and it has been for a while but getting to the point of finally shaking it off is tough. I didn’t think it would ever happen, and I questioned if it was even necessary. But for the first time, I feel like I am doing it. It hasn’t come through forcing myself, going cold-turkey didn’t work for me. It has taken about a year for me to get to this point, I knew I had MD for much longer but in the past year I have been falling off the horse and getting back on it again and again. The below writing is from this morning, I didn’t write it with the intention of posting it but maybe it has a place on this forum.
It isn’t about depression anymore. It stopped being about depression over a year ago. It isn’t about maladaptive daydreaming anymore, it has stopped being about that for a good while, although I don’t know exactly how long. Yes, I have been on and off the horse with it, but it didn’t grip me. No depression and no MD, they are gone. But I have felt there is still something left. The things that pushed me into daydreaming initially and still invite me in sometimes, they are still loitering. They hang around and sometimes I get tired, so they pounce, or sometimes I just feel like indulging them by daydreaming. They help me to sleep. But even now I feel they aren’t around as much. These things that got me through the years were much flimsier than I thought, they have come down like a house of cards. The necessity isn’t there anymore and that’s what I thought I would struggle with letting go of the most.
My daydreams weren’t so much fantasy, they were more the narcissistic idealisation type. I read yesterday that that doesn’t mean I am a narcissistic ego maniac, and the clarification provided a long-awaited relief. It’s actually quite the opposite, as you probably know MD is a form of dissociation, it is a form of ego-loss and therefore selfless in the real sense of the word. While that provided relief for me, it did raise another question…why was I running away from myself? Luckily, this isn’t about me being fundamentally and permanently messed up, this question can be answered, and I can make corrections. I could go on all day about why I wanted to run away from myself, but the main point is: It was a coping mechanism and it wasn’t my fault. Another thing to note is that I was functional for the most part besides for 8 months (saying that I generally didn’t enjoy taking part in reality, and I would do things last minute or not well) and I guess I am proud of that I was mostly functional. I wanted to talk to someone this morning and I daydreamed about getting everything off my chest and everything would be ok. Then it occurred to me: DO IT IN REAL LIFE. And I did. I think my life is going to feature more and more of these moments, I realise that things aren’t always going to work out as perfectly as my daydreams but either way I am doing what I want to do, I am doing what I am compelled to do, and most importantly I am not holding my tongue. MD was about feeling and by doing something in the real world I am feeling something that is real - even if it is anger. There is still a satisfaction to it because I am relieved that I can feel in reality.
There was anger at the start of the conversation. I said things that I had been holding in for years, but the anger dissipated very quickly. In my daydream prior, it was all about the anger, I never imagined the anger leaving even if there had been a resolution. In real life, things happened much quicker and changed for the better in a way I could not have possibly imagined in the daydream. The expression was a beautiful thing to experience in itself, even if it was through anger. But then I moved to an expression of my sadness and my guilt at hurting people without intending to. I explained that I continually try my best, and I feel it’s not enough. Now, this person I was talking to…this person is exemplary, my idol, and my love for them is boundless. And I was so
because I felt I had disappointed them, and I used to be someone they liked before, but I didn’t feel like that person anymore. I distance myself from them, because I love them so much and I didn’t want them to see that I had become a shell. I guess this is part of the dissociation which I am in the process of freeing myself from. But this person told me what they really thought of me. They told me with the most intense and heartfelt pain, what they thought of me. Their love for me is also boundless, and they admire me…I am an ‘inspiration’ to them. They said I am unlike anyone they know, and I have been someone they can always come to talk to and say anything to. They said I have such grounded morals and ethics, and I care about people, I am a true team player and want only good for everyone. And I have a way of bringing people around. They said I have such an ‘intellect’ that is practical and rounded, and considers the greater good. I could go on… but they said everything I narcissistically idealised about. Literally. Everything. I idealised about being the person that they see me as. I cried and cried to be that girl, and here I was being told by the person I love with all my heart that that is how they see me. It is the epitome of irony, but I am not interested in dwelling on wasted time. I did that enough as I was wasting my time, I did it to waste time.
When they spoke, they did it with a pain. I had said how I felt at the beginning, and they were truly hurt by it. I think it was the most intense honesty and raw pain I have ever been exposed to. It’s obvious that this was significant. This was a wake up call, a highlighting of the irony of my narcissistic idealising, but it was also thousands and thousands and thousands of times deeper and more emotional than my daydreams. I blindly thought that reality would never compare to my dream world. But with the pain that I first expressed and then witnessed, it was the most expansive and heart fulfilling event I have experienced. It cut like a knife but through it I know I am alive…in reality, finally. I found myself in the expression and in the pain, and I realised that I never really left myself. I thought I was far far away from her and I would eventually have to embark on a long arduous journey to find her. But others could see her. I wished to be her and to the people that I love the most, I always was her.
I don’t think it comes as full circle as this.
I don’t know what part of the journey you are on, and this isn’t about me saying I am great – far from it. If these things were said to me even a month ago I would have rolled my eyes and felt like a fake, or I would have believed they were stupid or blind. The thing is I am starting to see how I am my idealised self…not as much as I would have liked but she managed to peak through the cracks from time to time, when I let go. Those occasions became fewer as I closed myself in, and that’s when the amnesia began. I am remembering again and those occasions are becomming more frequent. One thing I really want to say to someone going through MD, even though I don’t know you, I think you are all of those great things too. The nature of MD is selfless and by default you as a maladaptive daydreamer, you are a good and well-intentioned person. It is hard to find opportunities to let your real-self come out and maybe you’re not as lucky to be around a person who openly expresses themself like my friend from earlier. But those things are as true for you as they are for me. I sincerely believe that.
This blog really helped me to see things as they are and face some demons: maladaptivedaydreamingguide.wordpress.com/ , also the title for this was taken from my favourite film The Secret Life of Walter Mitty which I frickin love. And when I want to daydream, instead I write. So maybe my story didn’t offer you some help, but I think these things might.
All the best.
It isn’t about depression anymore. It stopped being about depression over a year ago. It isn’t about maladaptive daydreaming anymore, it has stopped being about that for a good while, although I don’t know exactly how long. Yes, I have been on and off the horse with it, but it didn’t grip me. No depression and no MD, they are gone. But I have felt there is still something left. The things that pushed me into daydreaming initially and still invite me in sometimes, they are still loitering. They hang around and sometimes I get tired, so they pounce, or sometimes I just feel like indulging them by daydreaming. They help me to sleep. But even now I feel they aren’t around as much. These things that got me through the years were much flimsier than I thought, they have come down like a house of cards. The necessity isn’t there anymore and that’s what I thought I would struggle with letting go of the most.
My daydreams weren’t so much fantasy, they were more the narcissistic idealisation type. I read yesterday that that doesn’t mean I am a narcissistic ego maniac, and the clarification provided a long-awaited relief. It’s actually quite the opposite, as you probably know MD is a form of dissociation, it is a form of ego-loss and therefore selfless in the real sense of the word. While that provided relief for me, it did raise another question…why was I running away from myself? Luckily, this isn’t about me being fundamentally and permanently messed up, this question can be answered, and I can make corrections. I could go on all day about why I wanted to run away from myself, but the main point is: It was a coping mechanism and it wasn’t my fault. Another thing to note is that I was functional for the most part besides for 8 months (saying that I generally didn’t enjoy taking part in reality, and I would do things last minute or not well) and I guess I am proud of that I was mostly functional. I wanted to talk to someone this morning and I daydreamed about getting everything off my chest and everything would be ok. Then it occurred to me: DO IT IN REAL LIFE. And I did. I think my life is going to feature more and more of these moments, I realise that things aren’t always going to work out as perfectly as my daydreams but either way I am doing what I want to do, I am doing what I am compelled to do, and most importantly I am not holding my tongue. MD was about feeling and by doing something in the real world I am feeling something that is real - even if it is anger. There is still a satisfaction to it because I am relieved that I can feel in reality.
There was anger at the start of the conversation. I said things that I had been holding in for years, but the anger dissipated very quickly. In my daydream prior, it was all about the anger, I never imagined the anger leaving even if there had been a resolution. In real life, things happened much quicker and changed for the better in a way I could not have possibly imagined in the daydream. The expression was a beautiful thing to experience in itself, even if it was through anger. But then I moved to an expression of my sadness and my guilt at hurting people without intending to. I explained that I continually try my best, and I feel it’s not enough. Now, this person I was talking to…this person is exemplary, my idol, and my love for them is boundless. And I was so
because I felt I had disappointed them, and I used to be someone they liked before, but I didn’t feel like that person anymore. I distance myself from them, because I love them so much and I didn’t want them to see that I had become a shell. I guess this is part of the dissociation which I am in the process of freeing myself from. But this person told me what they really thought of me. They told me with the most intense and heartfelt pain, what they thought of me. Their love for me is also boundless, and they admire me…I am an ‘inspiration’ to them. They said I am unlike anyone they know, and I have been someone they can always come to talk to and say anything to. They said I have such grounded morals and ethics, and I care about people, I am a true team player and want only good for everyone. And I have a way of bringing people around. They said I have such an ‘intellect’ that is practical and rounded, and considers the greater good. I could go on… but they said everything I narcissistically idealised about. Literally. Everything. I idealised about being the person that they see me as. I cried and cried to be that girl, and here I was being told by the person I love with all my heart that that is how they see me. It is the epitome of irony, but I am not interested in dwelling on wasted time. I did that enough as I was wasting my time, I did it to waste time. When they spoke, they did it with a pain. I had said how I felt at the beginning, and they were truly hurt by it. I think it was the most intense honesty and raw pain I have ever been exposed to. It’s obvious that this was significant. This was a wake up call, a highlighting of the irony of my narcissistic idealising, but it was also thousands and thousands and thousands of times deeper and more emotional than my daydreams. I blindly thought that reality would never compare to my dream world. But with the pain that I first expressed and then witnessed, it was the most expansive and heart fulfilling event I have experienced. It cut like a knife but through it I know I am alive…in reality, finally. I found myself in the expression and in the pain, and I realised that I never really left myself. I thought I was far far away from her and I would eventually have to embark on a long arduous journey to find her. But others could see her. I wished to be her and to the people that I love the most, I always was her.
I don’t think it comes as full circle as this.
I don’t know what part of the journey you are on, and this isn’t about me saying I am great – far from it. If these things were said to me even a month ago I would have rolled my eyes and felt like a fake, or I would have believed they were stupid or blind. The thing is I am starting to see how I am my idealised self…not as much as I would have liked but she managed to peak through the cracks from time to time, when I let go. Those occasions became fewer as I closed myself in, and that’s when the amnesia began. I am remembering again and those occasions are becomming more frequent. One thing I really want to say to someone going through MD, even though I don’t know you, I think you are all of those great things too. The nature of MD is selfless and by default you as a maladaptive daydreamer, you are a good and well-intentioned person. It is hard to find opportunities to let your real-self come out and maybe you’re not as lucky to be around a person who openly expresses themself like my friend from earlier. But those things are as true for you as they are for me. I sincerely believe that.
This blog really helped me to see things as they are and face some demons: maladaptivedaydreamingguide.wordpress.com/ , also the title for this was taken from my favourite film The Secret Life of Walter Mitty which I frickin love. And when I want to daydream, instead I write. So maybe my story didn’t offer you some help, but I think these things might.
All the best.
