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Post by legendarydarkknight on Sept 26, 2020 19:48:43 GMT
Pretty much ever since the end of January, I'm homebound. I studied in a different city before, so returning to home was pretty much a punch in the guts. Throughout that period a lot happened within me, and still continues to do so. But I feel like I'm slipping intellectually. Especially for a month now, I'm just surfing at phone, playing video games at pc and daydreaming about different stuff. Nothing else. I have to go out there and finish my final internship report I've been procrastinating for two months now. Then look for a job. It's scary, but... Fear isn't what holds me back. I like this period of stillness, being able to do or play what I want. But doing so feels like it's making me fooler and fooler. I'm not talking about outdoor stuff; I can't properly think anymore. In the house. In myself. I've alwasy considered myself having an above-average intellect, but now I nearly can't even do 2x2. And it's scary. I don't know what to do anymore; precisely because I don't want to do anything. That 'will to act' I had is gone. I don't know when it'll be back. Perhaps it IS back, and perhaps that's why I'm writing here. But I damn don't feel that way. I don't feel anything anymore, except this ever-increasing resentment of this wish of stillness. I need to do something, start somewhere. I need to get back to  OUTSIDE my world. Of games. Of trivial things. I feel like something changed especially last week, but I can't bring its followup. I have to change something. Change where I am now so I'll be somewhere better tomorrow. Change myself. |
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Post by someone on Sept 27, 2020 0:27:52 GMT
legendarydarkknight, I know that feeling. I used to consider myself of higher intelect. I was actually so engrossed with it that I was in serious denial about having any actual learning problems. I really loved learning. I would think that people who just wanted to daydream or play around, or even just hated school, were beneath me and dumb and misbehaved. I loved being above average. But I had to face as my problems grew that periods of stillness can happen to anyone, even me. Through it though, I learned that even my peers had what was in them to do well, their periods of stillness were just longer than mine. So I accepted that we all have great potential. We all have high level intelligence, even if untapped. And accepting that it is best for everyone if they could hone their intelligence and excel made me able to change my focus from being the most intelligent to just trying to hone my own intelligence. Eliminating the urge to be better is key. We will never be the smartest, and that is ok. We can't define ourselves by our intelligence any more than we can define others by theirs, because everyone goes into still periods. I'm not saying to think it's not a good thing to be knowledgeable and smart. It is good. But that quality should not be viewed as exclusive. It's a good thing that everyone can have, and the more people who can attain it the better it is for everyone. I know it may sound like it is unrelated to how you feel, but I've been there, and it is very closely related. Once you let go of the "the" in being "the smart one", it takes pressure away. And accepting that the still periods and the enjoyment of them never makes anybody not smart is key as well. Even I still think about intelligence in a competitive way from time to time, but it's not so bad now compared to before. You must allow yourself to remember how smart you truly are, and never forget that. Hold onto your successes, even when things get still. Don't ever accept that you "had been" intelligent, you still are, because your past may be behind you but the work behind the accomplishments from it have left their mark forever on you. You have that experience and you will achieve again. Even if now isn't the right time, even if you got to change up your practices when you get back into whatever you were doing, even if you cannot do everything you did before or your prior level of dedication to work can never be fully regained, you will be able to succeed again. Don't lose hope during this still period. And never start believing you've lost your intelligence. You will someday be back at it again, and even if being productive will never come easy to you again, you will always be intelligent and I know you will strive to be and do the best you can.
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Post by Sam on Sept 28, 2020 18:28:22 GMT
It honestly sounds like you're depressed, which is an entirely understandable response to everything happening in the world these days. If you really aren't, feel free to just ignore everything after this, that's just my opinion based off of what you said.
What you're describing is pretty similar to what I experience when I have depressive episodes. The first thing to remember is that the feeling that you're feeling isn't going to go away instantly, especially if the cause of the feeling is still ongoing. However, there are still things you can do to work on getting out of the funk that you're in.
Mild exercise can help because of the endorphin release it creates. Going outside in the sun is also helpful because sun exposure is good for your mood and energy levels. If you can't go outside, I would highly suggest investing in a light box. They're made for people with seasonal depression and they mimic the effects of sun exposure. However, if you are at all prone to manic episodes, use the light box with caution because too much exposure can induce a manic episode. Try to find enjoyment in little things. For me, this was watching birds in my backyard.
If you're having trouble with not achieving anything, try setting small goals that are easy to reach. Some examples could be getting out of bed 5 minutes early, eating a healthy breakfast, or answering a single email. Depression seriously impacts your cognitive functioning, which is why it's difficult for you to do relatively simple tasks that you had no issue with before.
Above all, be kind to yourself. We're in a really scary time right now and pretty much everyone is struggling. Beating yourself up about not being able to do things is just going to make you feel even worse, even though I know it's easy to do it when you know you need to do something but you just can't get your brain and body to cooperate and do the thing. You also might want to look into executive dysfunction. It's most prevalent among people with ADHD, but depression can cause it as well.
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Post by legendarydarkknight on Sept 28, 2020 21:13:41 GMT
I don't know really, maybe I am. Personally and psychologically stuff had been happening as well. It's just, depression is a very far term for me; my life's actually rather stable (except me and my family being actively in quarantine for weeks now), and I feel like I have no reason - nor do I have any right - to be depressed.
I've actually been considering to go to gym for some time now; but I'm afraid I won't bring its continuation and a month's fee will be lost. Aside that, I'm doing small walks whenever I can, but today when I had to do some chores I was increasingly infuriated, indicating that I resented even such small work.
I need to get back to tracks somehowi and you're right about taking things slow with it. I shall be as slow as possible, but taking a smol step is better than taking none, I suppose. I'll also look into that executive dysfunction stuff, and reread this post quite (QUITE) a few times. Thank you very much for all the insight.
L'Edit: I looked into the executive function/dysfunction stuff you mentioned. It seems I'm at the middle ground of it - it's not like I forget about important stuff, I just don't do them. Still, I need to seriously lean in on that area, and exercise looks like a good beginning. Thank you once again for the heads up, and I wonder your methods of improving your executive functioning - if you feel the need to do so.
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Post by Sam on Sept 29, 2020 18:42:02 GMT
I don't know really, maybe I am. Personally and psychologically stuff had been happening as well. It's just, depression is a very far term for me; my life's actually rather stable (except me and my family being actively in quarantine for weeks now), and I feel like I have no reason - nor do I have any right - to be depressed. I've actually been considering to go to gym for some time now; but I'm afraid I won't bring its continuation and a month's fee will be lost. Aside that, I'm doing small walks whenever I can, but today when I had to do some chores I was increasingly infuriated, indicating that I resented even such small work. I need to get back to tracks somehowi and you're right about taking things slow with it. I shall be as slow as possible, but taking a smol step is better than taking none, I suppose. I'll also look into that executive dysfunction stuff, and reread this post quite (QUITE) a few times. Thank you very much for all the insight. L'Edit: I looked into the executive function/dysfunction stuff you mentioned. It seems I'm at the middle ground of it - it's not like I forget about important stuff, I just don't do them. Still, I need to seriously lean in on that area, and exercise looks like a good beginning. Thank you once again for the heads up, and I wonder your methods of improving your executive functioning - if you feel the need to do so. Depression isn't something that occurs logically, it's an imbalance in the neurochemicals in your brain. This means that it's not always correlated to the severity of problems you're having. Because of this, there are no "real" reasons to be depressed. Your life could be going perfectly and you could still be depressed. Part of executive dysfunction is having trouble remembering to do things but it's also getting yourself to do the things. I don't experience it as frequently as a friend who has ADHD does, but I describe it like this: I could be internally screaming at myself to get up and do something (even something super simple), but I just can't get my brain to translate that desire to do stuff into the actual physical action of doing that stuff. Having external reminders or rewards can be beneficial. The friend who has ADHD often asks me for pictures of my cats as rewards for them doing things. The reward gives you a little more incentive to do the things that you know you need or want to do, but that your body isn't responding properly to. |
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Post by legendarydarkknight on Sept 29, 2020 22:43:12 GMT
Tbh, you've described this stupid mood I'm in perfectly. I know what has to be done, but I have no control over myself anymore. I mean, my willpower was always very low, but this is something else. Though I don't think that reward technique will work for me; I'm already doing everything I wanna do. The problem is not wanting to cease what I'm doing and do what I have to. Though external reminders I will try; setting up alarms or asking of someone to remind me of things. And exercises and small steps for some real life stuff, of course. Whatever I'll do. I just can't say anything for certain anymore. What I'm gonna try, how I'm gonna oblige them. Going into "Imma do it" moods usually backfires, so I'm gonna do what I feel to do with what I learned in mind.
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OUTSIDE my world. Of games. Of trivial things. I feel like something changed especially last week, but I can't bring its followup. I have to change something. Change where I am now so I'll be somewhere better tomorrow. 
