So i have always enjoyed sci-fi and fantasy. In fact, i cant bring myself to reading or watching anything else voluntarily than that. Ever since i was in elementary school i have been a huge Star Wars fan. As a kid i was quite lively and upbeat but then middle school came along and i got bullied which is when my depression started and i withdrew into myself. I read online that depression and MD can be related, which makes sense, as you start despising reality and instead, choose to live in your imagination which is so much prettier and cooler. So i space out all the time. During studying, school, even when people talk to me! It's gotten so bad i can't even focus on studying anymore. Pretty much everything triggers it. I read the word "tree" and i immediatly start fantasising about the Ents from Lord of the rings. I see clouds, i start imagining the gods that might live up there. And bc im depressed af (!), lately i have been fantasising a lot about suicide. What it would be like to jump from a bridge, what the fall would feel like, would i be scared and regret it, would i ginally be happy? The dreams usually only last for a few minutes and i usually cant remember what i was dreaming about like: "10 minutes passed what have i been doing all this time"? Or "its 10pm already? What have i been doing for the last 2 hours?!"
It seems to be getting worse bc i do not have any friends as my mind seems to have adapted this illusion (that is what society considers it) that friends are a waste of time and being in my head is so much more interesting. So i pushed all my friends away that i once had (like 6 years ago) and I have been living in my head this entire time, pondering on the same things over and over again only making things worse. As a result i seem to have forgotten what it means to socialize. Keeping up conversations? Nope. Talking to new people? Nope. Even looking people in the face has gotten difficult, exceptionally females (i am male). So i did have a couple girlfriends but the relationships imploded due to me loosing interest after a few months. This loss of interest applies to everything i do. Be it new hobbies, new tv shows, new games. I just live in my head all day and barely talk to anyone, even my family.
It's gotten to a point where i have no interests or talents and i dont know what job i could even do since i dont know anything about anything (literally).
It's controversial, but weed is the only thing keeping me going since it shuts my mind down for a bit and i can just enjoy a movie and actually laugh at funny scenes. No, i am not high all day. But when my thoughts get to a really dark place and i cant bear them anymore, thats when i blaze up a doobie (usually like 3 or 4 times a week in the evening)
Hope this hasn't brought anyone who reads this down to much! Cheers mate