It is overwhelming to find a community of people who experience what I go through! It's a bitter sweet kind of feeling that we are gathering here in community around a common pain (at least that's how I feel about it. I get for some it may not be as painful).
I was wondering if anyone experiences shame about their day dreams. For the longest time I tried denying that I was daydreaming both for myself and when others pointed it out! I was so ashamed of not being present and thought that I needed to cut this part of me off. So as you can imagine, that was a double whammy when I dissociated from my dissociation!!!! Then my dreams became so vivid at night and that was telling me I needed to take care of something in my conscious life. I allowed my dreams to guide my conscious life then and it has been an interesting journey that has brought me to this point. Recently, I am noticing, that I have one foot in reality and one foot in the dreamland. Tackling shame has been the most painful part of this process for me, and has caused difficulty connecting with my loved ones! Without knowing what my condition was and only by following my dreams, I have found that through art work, dance, storytelling, drawing, I could turn this part of me into something less disorganized and more beneficial. But I am so aware of the disconnect between myself and the world outside. I guess I need to grieve the fact I have lived my life up till this point in utter confusion. There have been moments of sudden awakening with the bone deep painful question of "where have I been for my own life?", I have lived my life in a perpetual dreamland and I want to wake up... Wishing this group was in person....
I think that shame is a pretty common experience among MDers. Knowing that what we are doing is harming our ability to live our real lives, but still being unable to "just stop" can create a lot of frustration and shame.
Don't give up what you want most for what you want now.