Post by thedolphinbaby57 on Apr 7, 2021 21:31:16 GMT
I feel like I have given up on myself at this point. I just feel so empty and lazy now. I remember saying how I was gonna try and reduce Madd but that never really happened and now I feel like I failed myself but also everyone on this forum who may have possibly was looking up to me for advice and help. I've said this in my last post but I feel like I'm giving up on everything and there's no one or nothing to help me. I feel like I hit rock bottom. I'm not that confident in myself like I used to be and I always feel like someone is just judging me or whatnot. Since I'm so emotionally connected to these fantasies in my head, I feel like I get them confused for how I'm actually feeling in reality. I just can't tell weather the emotions I'm feeling are fake and in my head or real and expressive. I feel so confused on myself and who I am. I feel like I know everything about the idealized version of me but nothing about the real me at all. I just a knew a few things but that's about it. I don't know..I just feel like I don't have a purpose or know what to do anymore.
Another thing that I wanted to mention was how I kept daydreaming about people that I never talk to or know about. I talked about this in my last post and I wanted to talk more of it. It seems as though even people have started to become a trigger for me. Places too. I don't know why but it's like if I see a certain person more than once I end up daydreaming about them. No matter if it's happy,
, angry or something else I just daydream about them. Due to this, it tricks my brain into 
I like them or have feelings for them yet never knowing them in the first place. For example, there's this guy in my band class who I thought was cute. Ever since then, my mind has just been creating fantasies about them but I never had not one single word with them. I don't know if they're an asshole or if they are a genuinely nice person. I don't know how they act around others or towards their friends and yet here I am daydreaming a whole love story and all the tension and drama that's happening. It sucks because now my brain is I have a crush on them but they only have one purpose in my life and that's boy-who-plays-the-saxophone-in-my-band-class. I hate when this happens. I now realize that this has happened with my last crush last year and probably with all my other crushes I have had in the past years and it's gonna happen again throughout high school and college. I just know that I'm not falling in love with that person for who they are but I'm only falling in love for the version of them in head or who I think they are. It kinda hurts knowing that I've never really had a healthy crush or fallen in love with someone for who they really are. I wouldn't know what to do if I told a person I liked them but yet only to the idea of them and not actually them. And here they are with their hopes up that someone actually liked them for them and wanted them. But no I want the idea version of you. Obsession is not love either and you can't fall in love with someone because of their looks or body. I've got this mindset now where I really would not believe someone if they told me they liked me. Especially if I don't know that person. I just feel like a person wouldn't like me for me and only want me if I look pretty or have something that they want. Or someone would only ask me out for a dare or play with my feelings. I just don't trust them and wouldn't believe them. I feel like someone would take me as a joke. I feel like it's hard for me to really fall in love with somebody without already liking them as an obsession or whatnot. Everyone always says "oh you'll find the one", "someone is waiting for you", "you just gotta try". I hate that pity advice. No one wants to talk about what love really is.
I kinda don't know what to say anymore now. It took me forever to write this because I kept daydreaming, scrolling through social media, and biting the skin on my fingertips. I just give up. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is a mess and my brain is just jumbled up with so many thoughts. Now that my grandpa is gone I just feel like it's adding on to the pile. I feel like being happy is a temporary thing.
Thanks for reading as always.
-thedolphinbaby57
Another thing that I wanted to mention was how I kept daydreaming about people that I never talk to or know about. I talked about this in my last post and I wanted to talk more of it. It seems as though even people have started to become a trigger for me. Places too. I don't know why but it's like if I see a certain person more than once I end up daydreaming about them. No matter if it's happy,
, angry or something else I just daydream about them. Due to this, it tricks my brain into 
I like them or have feelings for them yet never knowing them in the first place. For example, there's this guy in my band class who I thought was cute. Ever since then, my mind has just been creating fantasies about them but I never had not one single word with them. I don't know if they're an asshole or if they are a genuinely nice person. I don't know how they act around others or towards their friends and yet here I am daydreaming a whole love story and all the tension and drama that's happening. It sucks because now my brain is I have a crush on them but they only have one purpose in my life and that's boy-who-plays-the-saxophone-in-my-band-class. I hate when this happens. I now realize that this has happened with my last crush last year and probably with all my other crushes I have had in the past years and it's gonna happen again throughout high school and college. I just know that I'm not falling in love with that person for who they are but I'm only falling in love for the version of them in head or who I think they are. It kinda hurts knowing that I've never really had a healthy crush or fallen in love with someone for who they really are. I wouldn't know what to do if I told a person I liked them but yet only to the idea of them and not actually them. And here they are with their hopes up that someone actually liked them for them and wanted them. But no I want the idea version of you. Obsession is not love either and you can't fall in love with someone because of their looks or body. I've got this mindset now where I really would not believe someone if they told me they liked me. Especially if I don't know that person. I just feel like a person wouldn't like me for me and only want me if I look pretty or have something that they want. Or someone would only ask me out for a dare or play with my feelings. I just don't trust them and wouldn't believe them. I feel like someone would take me as a joke. I feel like it's hard for me to really fall in love with somebody without already liking them as an obsession or whatnot. Everyone always says "oh you'll find the one", "someone is waiting for you", "you just gotta try". I hate that pity advice. No one wants to talk about what love really is. I kinda don't know what to say anymore now. It took me forever to write this because I kept daydreaming, scrolling through social media, and biting the skin on my fingertips. I just give up. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is a mess and my brain is just jumbled up with so many thoughts. Now that my grandpa is gone I just feel like it's adding on to the pile. I feel like being happy is a temporary thing.
Thanks for reading as always.
-thedolphinbaby57