red
New Daydreamer
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Post by red on Apr 23, 2021 22:16:14 GMT
Hey Guys,
I am 24 years old and working in an IT company.
I guess I started to day dream when I was 15 years old. I was watching a soap opera which I loved the most,but it ended in a year. When I was just browsing about it got to know about fanfictions and blogs.
I started reading them. I read them with full intensity, throughout the nights and again continue reading it when I wake up. I was proud of myself that I have a reading habit.
If I get bored, I sit in this swing at our house, put my earphones on and listen to all kinds of songs, sometimesjust bgms. Based on the rapport of the song, the speed of me swinging increases and so does my dreaming.
I dream myself to be the protagonist of that soap opera. I dream the things that were mentioned in the fanfictions. I sit and day dream in that swing for hours. My record is 4 hours without getting up.
The thing is.. I listen to the same song over and over again for hours. And the scenario I dreamed when that song played, that too repeats. ( I guess I do it when I am happy with that scene).
I switch off the lights and sit in the dark so that my family members don't see me smiling or crying while I day dream. (I started to worry when I cried day dreaming something)
This is happening for almost 10 years now.
When I was in hostel, I didn't have a swing there. But still I day dreamed while classes were going on or while I was just lying in bed. But they were not that strong as what I felt while on the swing.
I started to understand that there is some problem with me. I thought listening to songs on the swing was a break I took, but I realized that it is the thing stopping me to grasp reality.
Even though I know it's bad I am unable to stop it. As I am typing here, my brain is itching me to get up and go to the swing. I have lost control over my brain. I have no concentration power. No will power. Though there are few things I aspire, it is etched in my mind that I won't be able to do them, as I don't have concentration and will power.
I hate my job. So I resigned it and now I am serving my notice period. The reason I told my parents is that, I feel I can do more than what I do in this current job and that I will get a new job. But now I am fearing that, aspiring to get a job better than my current one and performing well in it, this thought.. I am fearing that it's also a part of my daydream and not my actual real thoughts. This is my second month of notice period and still I have not started to study or look for the next job. I am afraid that once my notice period ends, I am going to stay at home and smooch from my parents until they get me married.
I really wish to come out of this mess I have created myself. I really don't know how to proceed further and what to do. My friends and family say it's in your hands only. Only you can change your thoughts. Talk to yourself etc etc. I did try that. I asked my brain. I asked it what should I do if I want a job. It said study. When I asked shall we start to study, it said no immediately. It is saying no to hard work. I have become so lazy, and it has started to affect my family.
I saw a movie today in which the protagonist had a psychotic disorder and made me wonder if what I am facing has a name. And it did and I found this page.
So I am writing here. I don't know if any of what I said makes sense. I just typed whatever came in my mind. Sorry if my English is bad. It's not my first language.
I am really waiting for a day when I can feel happy about myself with what I am doing in reality.
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red
New Daydreamer
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Post by red on Apr 23, 2021 23:05:48 GMT
Sorry, it's long for an introduction post. I was so happy that I got a place to tell the truth out loud and I just blurted it in one go.
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Post by Sam on Apr 26, 2021 14:59:05 GMT
Welcome to the forum!
First of all, don’t worry about writing posts that are too long. Here on the forum is sometimes the only place where we can really feel accepted and understood, so long posts are pretty common :)
Second, have you considered what kind of other job you’d like? Do you want it to still be in the IT field, or some other area? Try not to beat yourself up over being “lazy” about it, MDers often have issues with motivation and completing tasks so you’re definitely not alone in that respect.
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red
New Daydreamer
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Post by red on Apr 27, 2021 13:18:02 GMT
Well, even before going into IT, I always wanted a government job, just like my parents. Even now, I am not interested whenever there is an advertisement for IT jobs. I have attended a few exams for government job, but I didn't study for any of them. So can't even expect to clear them.
These exams requires lots and lots of studying to do. And I am not good with studies. It's because I have very poor concentration. Not because I hate it. Since I don't concentrate on studies.. I keep postponing it and in the end I give the exam without any preparation.
Also another reason might be that, I already had a job and if I don't pass this government exam, I don't lose anything.
But even after I have left my job, nothing in me brings me to sit and study. It seems I have become latargic to my actual real aim.
In my day dreaming, I imagine myself with a job in which I am happy. Maybe, because of this, it still has not registered in me that in reality I don't have a job and there is not going to be a steady income for me.
I have to tell you. While typing here only, I am actually analyzing myself and discovering what have I daydreamt and what is it's impact in my reality.
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Post by Sam on Apr 28, 2021 14:44:04 GMT
Well, even before going into IT, I always wanted a government job, just like my parents. Even now, I am not interested whenever there is an advertisement for IT jobs. I have attended a few exams for government job, but I didn't study for any of them. So can't even expect to clear them. These exams requires lots and lots of studying to do. And I am not good with studies. It's because I have very poor concentration. Not because I hate it. Since I don't concentrate on studies.. I keep postponing it and in the end I give the exam without any preparation. Also another reason might be that, I already had a job and if I don't pass this government exam, I don't lose anything. But even after I have left my job, nothing in me brings me to sit and study. It seems I have become latargic to my actual real aim. In my day dreaming, I imagine myself with a job in which I am happy. Maybe, because of this, it still has not registered in me that in reality I don't have a job and there is not going to be a steady income for me. I have to tell you. While typing here only, I am actually analyzing myself and discovering what have I daydreamt and what is it's impact in my reality. A lot of us have problems concentrating on achieving goals. Daydreaming definitely impacts it—why put out effort to achieve something in reality when I can have whatever I want instantly in my daydreams? Do you have anyone who could keep you accountable when studying? Kind of like a study buddy, but really it can be anyone who periodically checks in with you and encourages you to keep going. Some people have found it helpful to watch “study with me” videos on youtube as well.
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red
New Daydreamer
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Post by red on Apr 28, 2021 23:31:20 GMT
Due to the pandemic I am at home only with my mother and sister. My father is working in another location and he travels home every weekend. My parents are very supportive. Even yesterday my dad told me that it's ok if I don't find a job immediately. But he said that he won't encourage me sitting idle at home. I am obese and have PCOS. He said he will be happy if I decide to take care of my health too. But I don't do anything. Instead I am taking their support for granted.
My parents and sister and very much happy to help me study. My friends too are ready. But the thing is.. for once or twice I will follow them. But later I start to feel pressured by them (even though they dont pressure me.. but just ask how much I completed or just ask me to sit and study for the day). I start to get repulsive and defensive.
I push them away when they try to get me study. I shout and scream stuff. In the end I will tell them that I can take care and that I don't want to be interfered. They too leave as they worry I might shout again.
Slowly I have started to not ask them at all.. as i am hurting them and as I am also not improving.
It is like, even though I want to improve myself, there is some negative force in the universe or in me that is stopping me from doing the right thing.
I will definitely check the 'study with me' video. I am hearing it for the first time. Let me see how it goes. Thank you
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Post by granger on May 13, 2021 3:06:57 GMT
Hi Red I can relate to you on many things. I will just tell you what I feel worked for me. It may or may not work for you but this is all i know. We get so much addicted to the feelings, good or bad that Md gives us and we deveope a fear of real world. Anyways navigating in the real world involves a certain amount of letting go as we cant control everything here. Also form hours and hours of thinkng in your head makes you mentally tired. You are used to getting every feel from inside your head you lose interest and patience for real world interaction. A good place to start is by accepting all of the mess that there exists. Pay attention to what is happening around you. Really forcing yourself to participate will get you started. As for concentration, it will take a long time to come. It took me almost a year to get somewhat better. One year from the time I recognised my ill patterns, and worked really really hard to stop them. And I had been trying since even before that. This is at least for me an addiction and I will always be inclined to run to it. Every uncomfortable situation including stress gives a way to Md. Anything I see or read that catched my attention gives way to Md. The scenarios in my head are so tempting, atleast in the moment. I started participating more in real life, like doing some chores with my mum, payed attention when anyone was talking. tried to get a study baddy(it didnt work though) and most importantly i reccognised what it was like when I am starting on a new storyline, and then to stop it in early stage itself. When something makes me uncomfortable, instead of running into fantasy i had to learn how to just sit with them and even confront tose situations. All of these things are very obvious and normally people do them, but for mders they seem to have found a way to bypass it all. I had to develope self control and resist. And i have got only a little better. This is not easy. Now i have my life in control but Md has not gone, though it is less. You are in a thick situation. Get a schedule, a very easy one, and try to get through it without daydeaming much. Get other people involved in your life talk to them instead of getting your fill from the characters in your head. May be you are scared of the process of applying for a new job or maybe your books scare you. Confront your fears. There are so many things to do and you know what to do, maybe you are just scared.
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