something that has been bothering me for a while Nov 16, 2021 15:24:50 GMT
Post by fairytale on Nov 16, 2021 15:24:50 GMT
I clearly remember when my mental started to deplete rapidly. It was when I was 16 (i'm 21 now). I was under a lot pressure to study well. We had a program where we would study the lessons of the higher grade ( 9th and 10th grade students learning 11th and 12th grade portions) along with the regular syllabus as a preparation of college entrance and I was in that program. My morals was different from others, I wouldn't do anything for the sake of marks. My morals was one of the reasons my classmates isolated me but I had this one friend was always with me. It was all so silly to begin with but it affects me till date. Our school rules was that we were not supposed to communicate with the opposite gender as having a romantic relationship is completely frowned upon as it considered against our culture.
During mid-term I had a fluorescent colored pencil pouch and my only friend that I had thought it was too plain and wanted to draw on it for fun and I was ok with it. She drew a tiny heart and we didn't think much of it. We would usually draw stuff to let out some steam and somehow drawing hearts in each others notes became a fun time activity for us. But the chaos started when my saw the heart in my pouch and a lot of drama started and she texted my friend confiscated my sim card called my school and gave me hell in home. My father seemed to be on my side but I overheard him saying hurtful stuff about me to my mother when I was not around. It was a complete hell for me till I completed my 10th grade. I was blamed for scoring low and that it was because I was morally wrong. My relationship with my parents and sister was completely shattered. My sister also gave me hell when all of these happened. Although I got 92% I was told that I was a immoral child and a shame to the family. Due to some conflict with my school I had to transfer and had to stay in hostel for 11th and 12th grade. My 11th grade was good and as I was away from my family it felt good too be able to breath again but my mental state was already a mess.
Again hell started in my 12th grade. I had this male friend who was interested in music and he was brave enough to pursue it. I loved music since I was 14 and wanted to pursue it. My mom knew about my male friend as I've told her about all of my friends. My new school was friendly and I had a lot of friends and mostly of the opposite gender (male) as most of the hostilities were boys. After I got to know my male friend who was interested in music for a while I found the courage to tell my mother about it. She called me a prostitute for it and almost called my male friend to scold him but in the end she could only speak to my hostel warden. My warden somehow understood the situation and waited till my mother left and asked me for further details and everything ended there. But after that whenever my she would call me prostitute or something similar and we started fighting again. My father was the same. He played the good guy in front of me and talked behind my back.
All this happened because it is believed that being in a romantic relationship would ruin ones education and I was never attracted to anyone. I m a asexual aromatic but my family assumed that I was romantically interested in someone during both these incidents but I wasn't. I purposefully scored less on my exams as to avoid going to medical or engineering colleges as those were the only options given to me. But as time passed and I was fighting with my parents throughout 12th grade and the my parents were fighting with each other and would rant to me. My father was kind of sick at that time and my mother would not bother about him as they were in an argument and I was helpless as I could do nothing about it. I scored 76% on my 12th. Since it was not enough for medicine or engineering colleges ( actually it was enough for engineering colleges) I was forced to prepare for entrance exam. As I was completely against going to medical school I only concentrated on engineering entrance exam. but my mental health was a mess. I was MDing all day or watching movies as I started to become more addicted to movies and series. There was time when my tried to force me into preparing for medical entrance and I attempted suicide. So she let me off that once but that was only one reason the other was my father had to be hospitalized and we had to go there to take care of him. At that time, although I was emotionally detached from him and lost all my emotions and addicted to movies, series and MDing all day, it broke me further.It was close to my entrance exam date.
Later after completing my entrance exams and I scored low on purpose to avoid going to any college near my home. Later my father passed away in a few weeks and to be honest all I did during the time he was hospitalized was watching series and day dreaming. I felt guilty but then I felt guilty for not being guilty anymore and not even regretting it. It felt Inhuman. Later my mom refused to send me the college that I got through entrance exams as it was too far from home so I ended up in another college which was far but not too far and stayed in hostel. Although it seems like my relationship with my mother and sister has improved it hasn't as I m not myself when I m with them. I feel insecure and scared to say what is on my mind. Now due to the pandemic and stuff I had to drop out of college and enroll in a college nearby my home as fresher again.
To be honest I m not worried about being a fresher again but having to stay in my home is what bothers me. I still can't get over any of these and I m not brave enough to confront my family about this. Both my mother and sister are going through hard times now too so I just can't bring myself to talk about this and I m also scared about what they will say. I wanted to complete college as soon as I can so I can become independent but now I have to start over again. Droping out of college in my 3rd year also took a toll on my mental health and these are not my only problems but these are the ones that has always been on my mind.
I really wish I could ask for an explanation as to why she said all those things to me? why did they make me feel like shit? aren't family supposed to be there for each other? why did they abandon me emotionally and hurt me emotionally? why did she beat me to make me do what she wants? why did she say that she would kill me and pretend that I was never born? was education worth more than your own daughter? was I never worthy enough to you simply because I was different? would you chose to give birth to me if you knew this who I am? if someday if I can't pretend anymore and you see the real me would you hate me more? did you really meant it when you said you took care of me only because I was just a responsibility? was that all I was for you?
I feel like I m over reacting but I don't know what else to do.