hey everyone - I am new here and found this forum today. Going to write a bit on how I ended up here ! TW / CW - trauma, illness,
13 years ago (when I was 13, am 26 now) I was clinically diagnosed with major depression disorder. (which was the bare minimal evaluation this “therapist” who only saw me because my mom was paying her, no actual helpful treatment nor any helpful conversation.) I suffer from many extreme symptoms of CPTSD, which has been something I’ve dealt with my whole life.
13 years later, here we are. Because of being so mentally unwell and been exposed to so much horrible stuff, I looked for all the wrong things in a partner and here we are, one child in, with our own family.
Granted I was not aware of these terms when I got pregnant. But I did begin to learn. My partner gaslights me, invalidates my feelings, snaps at me even if I am just casually talking. My partner says everything I say is wrong, says my version of events are wrong, weaponizes my mental health against me etc. Yes he is a narcissist. No, I am completely financially dependent on him so leaving doesn’t cross my mind. (It’s like having childhood trauma, then finding your abuser as a partner later on in life.)
My only free coping mechanism aside from meditating is maladaptive daydreaming. (I thought it was just persistent daydreaming but as you’ll read, it’s easy to understand I am reliant on daydreaming)
To me, it’s kind of intrusive because I don’t want to daydream and it happens anyways. They are happy thoughts/memories, dont get me wrong but I don’t WANT to think them. But I dont get good feelings from my reality so I turn to mdd.
MDD is relaxing. If I’m alone I can physically and verbally act out or recall what I’m daydreaming and it makes me feel so good. Because they’re not actual fantasies, they are memories that made me feel good at the time. So now it’s kind of life I daydream about when I felt good so I feel good presently if that makes sense.
Sometimes when they feel too much like fantasies, I stop myself and beat myself up and have a horrible depressive episode where I feel nothing at all. Numb. Sometimes mixed in with shame or something.
I wondered if it was disassociation at first. Because I disassociate from reality momentarily to daydream. But then I came across maladaptive daydreaming and maybe it’s that because I am a bit conscious that it happens.. like I KNOW I’m not here in reality sometimes. But not to where I am completely taken away if that makes sense.
Anyways
I hope my story resonates with someone or someone can relate.
How did you end up here?