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Post by nothingman on Dec 30, 2022 3:27:04 GMT
I’m just recently discovering that there is a name to my madness. I’ve been pretty emotional since I discovered MDD. It’s been very validating but saddening as well. I always knew that I was different from other kids. No one could ever understand where I would come up with the things I’d say or ideas I’d come up with. If a scenario happens that strikes a response in me, either good or bad, I will engross myself in that situation for days, imagining all the different ways it could happen. I only recently discovered that, not everyone can just make a detailed and running movie in their heads. I just thought everyone’s imagination worked that way, but mine was just excessive. My constant daydreaming has consumed me for as long as I can possibly remember. It destroyed me academically in HS, and it is the primary cause of my severe procrastination and lack of motivation. But while I say these things, and acknowledge how it’s negatively impacted my life, I couldn’t imagine living without it.
The only world I want to live in, I know is preventing me from experiencing everything real life has to offer. But I could never make anyone understand what it can do to, and for me. Sometimes when I put my earbuds in, and find the playlist that suits me; I may as well have left the earth. The emotional responses that my fantasy world creates in me are extremely intense. Sometimes I will be in a scenario where I lose control and land in a lake. Many times the only thing that snaps me out of that scene is my involuntary survival response to breath. I will come out of it gasping for air and my heart pounding. My emotions play a huge factor on how long or how deep I will go down the rabbit hole. The internal world I have serves both as a gift or a curse in this regard. Music, movies, driving, stupid tasks; all of these things trigger my daydreaming immediately. But when I have something going on that is striking large emotional responses in me, my fantasy world turns into one of perpetual hell that does not stop until there is some kind of conclusion to what triggered it. I’m in that world now, going on 5 months. I have seen a handful of therapists, and am currently seeing one. I tried to explain my internal world to each one of them, but none of them ever understood what I was saying, and I could clearly tell. My current therapist has discussed dissociation as a possibility though.
I think the biggest reason why I’m here though, is because I want to finally be able to connect with someone who understands me. Until a few days ago, I didn’t think that was even possible. But I also want to better understand it better and hopefully learn some tricks to control it. I have began to read about childhood experiences being risk factors as well as OCD and ADHD. My childhood wasn’t rosy, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, but my wife has said for years that she believes I’m OCD. I don’t know what the cause is, but I do know that this thing inside me has always been both a wonderful gift and a horrible curse. It has helped make me quick witted, open minded, and the outside the box thinker that I am today. I firmly believe that my daydreaming is a huge reason for why I have so much empathy for others. I can absolutely put myself in their situation and feel the negative response I would have to being put in that scenario. But it has also firmly held me down from being half as successful as I know I could be, and it has recently destroyed the most precious and meaningful relationship I have ever known. So right now, it’s a curse!
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Post by grace on Feb 11, 2023 5:15:14 GMT
I understand you fully as an 18 year old crying at 12am realizing I’m not alone.
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Post by aheather on Feb 13, 2023 6:53:21 GMT
I seriously thought I was the only one. Can definitely relate to your post. Thanks for sharing. Amazing how just one person saying you’re not alone makes you feel better. Really happy to be here.
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