Post by fairytale on Dec 13, 2023 12:32:40 GMT
I celebrated too early. I thought my thought wouldn't try to kill me any time soon but I was wrong. I have exam tomorrow and my mind wont corporate and I m stuck feeling guilty and I've given up already. I know I will regret this but the more I try to study the more suicidal I become. I know exactly why its my trigger but there is nothing I can do about it. Now I just feel guilty and scared at the same time. I wish I just disappeared.
Someone told me that "people worry about the things that they can't control and let go what they can" but nothing is in my control. Nothing ever was everything that happened in my life good or bad was never my choice, it was a choice made for me by someone else and if I refute I was abused mentally and physically. Now I m scared to even voice out mu opinion and its slowly but surely killing me. I m scared that someday I might lose the fragile sting that's keeping be sane and end up some where I don't want myself in. Every little thing is starting to affect me and my will to is almost gone. I might survive just one more blow and after that I m 
. I was stronger than I thought but not strong enough and this is as far as I can go alone. I did find friend but it is already too late. I trust them but not enough. I've been hurt by every single person I've met in the past but yet I took a step towards my new friends. I want be close but I can't I know i m the one keeping the distance because I don't want to fail to protect them again. I was the cause of many problems, not all but surly many.
. I was stronger than I thought but not strong enough and this is as far as I can go alone. I did find friend but it is already too late. I trust them but not enough. I've been hurt by every single person I've met in the past but yet I took a step towards my new friends. I want be close but I can't I know i m the one keeping the distance because I don't want to fail to protect them again. I was the cause of many problems, not all but surly many. I always thought many people wouldn't have suffered soo much if I was never born.
There are too many things I m guilty about and to be honest I don't even have anything to live on for. no one and nothing. I lost my dream, learnt that my family won't like me if I don't do what they say. One wrong move and everything will turn to hell.
I was ready to move out as soon as I graduate but things didn't go well and I had to drop my degree and restart again. Now I m half way past my current degree and I m breaking down. My life is in a turmoil. My family is getting crazier and I m walking on eggshells. I wish I could just die in my sleep because I m not even capable of doing it myself.
back on all of the times I've messed up.