fairytale
Active Daydreamer
you are not a mistake
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Post by fairytale on Jan 19, 2024 11:39:53 GMT
I feel like I m being neglected again. For context My family is in a financial crises now. Its been like this for a few years already. In the place where I live our college scholarship is deposited in the students account and the students are asked to pay the college fees with it. For the past two years my fees is always delayed payment because my parents use it for other essential thing although they do pay it a few months late this time being a whole 7 months delay. It scares me. My college excused me the past two times as I m a top student but they are planing to do the same this year too. Every time this happens I have to meet the principal on my own to ask for permission and not once did my parents came to ask for permission despite my begging and my staff advisor and the principal asking them to come. I get that they are embarrassed but what about me. I m scared to even look them in the eye due to my embarrassment. It not one but twice and now its about to happen again I can't blame my parent for the late payment but not asking permission directly and instead sending me again and again is concerning. I know its tough but please act as a parent at least now. I can't get to say these words directly to my parent as I understand how they feel but I can not forgive them for this. Can you at least be considerate. I don't even know what to feel. I just feel like jumping from where high not to kill myself but simply for the feel of it I guess. Well maybe both I guess.......................................... |
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lisal
New Daydreamer
All of life is peaks and valleys. Don't let the peaks get too high and the valleys too low
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Post by lisal on Jan 23, 2024 1:31:04 GMT
If you ask God - Give me strength.... Will he give you strength directly or give u situations which makes you stronger.
This too shall pass - no situation is permanent.
Think positively - because you are a top student they are allowing for the delay in fee payment. That is a great thing.
I also had the same situation back in my school days. They used to call out names in the classroom and tell us to pay fee. I was coming back to home and yelling at my dad for not paying fee. Now if I think about it - it is such a stressful situation - not just for me but my dad too.
Earning money is very difficult these days (my father is uneducated - so that is even more difficult)
Solutions for these situations - Try for getting an educational loan. I am doing the same. I took the loan and after I start earning - I will repay the amount. I got to know that my parents can't afford for my education. We have to take up the responsibility for ourself. I know it will be difficult to talk to your parents about it. But sit and speak about it. It might hurt their ego. Try it once.
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lisal
New Daydreamer
All of life is peaks and valleys. Don't let the peaks get too high and the valleys too low
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Post by lisal on Jan 23, 2024 1:47:20 GMT
Having thoughts of ending your life - start a gratitude journal. It will help to reflect your life positively.
I will tell you an incident which happened yesterday -
One of my friend called and started crying (she is a very rich person's daughter and topper of our college)
The reason she was down - their parents were constantly fighting from morning and she couldn't study. So she went to her aunt's house to study. After coming back, she was interrogated why she went to the aunt 's house. She finally said she went to her aunt's house because she didn't find peace in home (note:- never complaint to your parents that they are wrong. It will back fire you itself 😂 daily in each sentence there will be that taunt firing at you) same thing happened, it backfired at her. ( Her father went and said to her mom - that because of her(mom) its not peaceful and her mom scolding my friend because of her(friend) this argument is happening)
Another scenario:- Her dad kept on talking to some other lady on call while having lunch with the guests at home( just because that lady was bored at home because of electric shut down for few hours)
I listened to this story from her. She said there is no solution for this. And she felt like to die because of stressful conditions.
One thought which came in my mind is not just the middle class people feel like that sometime...even people with so much money, Benz cars feel like this.
I am not saying it's normal to have those thoughts. I too get them when I am low but I just say myself that even a numb little bug lives its full life and dies. I can also do it. Lead this life and one day when I start earning - things will be better.
Listen to this song - Numb little bug
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fairytale
Active Daydreamer
you are not a mistake
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Post by fairytale on Jan 27, 2024 19:13:02 GMT
Having thoughts of ending your life - start a gratitude journal. It will help to reflect your life positively. I will tell you an incident which happened yesterday - One of my friend called and started crying (she is a very rich person's daughter and topper of our college) The reason she was down - their parents were constantly fighting from morning and she couldn't study. So she went to her aunt's house to study. After coming back, she was interrogated why she went to the aunt 's house. She finally said she went to her aunt's house because she didn't find peace in home (note:- never complaint to your parents that they are wrong. It will back fire you itself 😂 daily in each sentence there will be that taunt firing at you) same thing happened, it backfired at her. ( Her father went and said to her mom - that because of her(mom) its not peaceful and her mom scolding my friend because of her(friend) this argument is happening) Another scenario:- Her dad kept on talking to some other lady on call while having lunch with the guests at home( just because that lady was bored at home because of electric shut down for few hours) I listened to this story from her. She said there is no solution for this. And she felt like to die because of stressful conditions. One thought which came in my mind is not just the middle class people feel like that sometime...even people with so much money, Benz cars feel like this. I am not saying it's normal to have those thoughts. I too get them when I am low but I just say myself that even a numb little bug lives its full life and dies. I can also do it. Lead this life and one day when I start earning - things will be better. Listen to this song - Numb little bug Let me begin with the song, I've a fan of that song since it released and It really hits the spot.
I agree with you about everyone struggling in one way or the other. I can understand thats how life works but in no way can I accept. I usually vent a lot here and it helps me take my mind off things. My family is kind of toxic. I tried to write a journal for my thoughts and my sister took it without my permission and read it, it was a whole lot of drama. Since then I've been reluctant to share my thoughts and feeling and keeping it in just drives me nuts. Even yesterday we had a fight. No one was in the wrong, a situation just happened and they pinned it on me like it was my fault. I tried to let them know it was just a bad situation but the insisted that it was all my fault and blamed me for crying when I was wronged. They just pinned it on me and called it quits. This happens a lot and hence I wanted to change it. So, I just tried to explain it as calm as I could and yet got blamed again. I don't know why they need to blame it on me to move on and I have to take it all keep my mouth shut and just live with it. They just want me to be a garbage can for their emotions and I hate that. I understand thats how they grew up and survived till now but that does not mean that I have to too. I change wanna be able to solve our issues and be a family I just want a healthy relationship with my family with everyone being equal, that's it. I m trying to make it work but me being the only person trying is hard, really really hard. They are not even ready to lend a ear for starts. I can't just keep trying to get them to properly look at the problem. Everytime I warn them early on, I get ignored or bashed but when everything starts falling apart I have to be there to repair it. Even then they won't acknowledge the fact that I warned them and some how every thing ends up becoming my fault. I m just tired of hearing it all. When you keep hearing people say that you are the problem all the time, you start believing it. I believed it once when I took a break after 12th (I was forced to) for JEE preparation and tried to take my own life. Even then the first world my family said was " what would the neighbors think if they saw it". It didn't dawn on me till then that their first priority was never me or my health, it was just their perfect image. They may say they love me or they care for me ( they never said any of it until they want to accuse me of ruining their life) but they never did. They believe so but they never did. They never learnt or felt what love was. From family or friends, they never knew someone who showed what love is. I don't know how I figured it out myself but while trying to help myself I found it. I learnt to love myself and even though its a work in progress I wont give on. I really want to tell you how I felt when the blade hit my skin the first time. I felt that my family won't have anymore problems now. That was my only thought. It was only latter that I understood I was never the problem and so many more things. I do get hurt by their words even now but I m not the same naive girl I was back then I promise to protect myself. I know no one else will. Even if they want to they can stay by me 24/7. It has to be me. I might break a million more time. I might want to end it all but I will do my best to be the person I hoped someone would be. I will the person that my young self hoped for when I was all alone. I m far better than I was back then and I hope I can help people like me on the way. I know how much a word can help people get through. I know how much a single word influences their hope and desire. I wish to be the devil that the monsters fear. Don't mistake it for being a hero. its different hope we can get along
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