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Post by Sam on Dec 26, 2018 19:30:49 GMT
I know that my level of enthusiasm when people do things for me/or I do things for them is disproportionately high compared to most people because of my isolation. And I always get disappointed by peoples reactions when I do things for them.
Case in point, as a Christmas gift for a friend of mine, I recorded myself reading the entirety of the first Harry Potter book and then added in background noises of rain and a fireplace (separately, I sent her one with no background, one with rain, and one with fireplace noise). It took like a month to do and hours of my time. She responded with "i'm literally crying I love you so much" and "I know i'm gonna love it" and that was about it.
Is it wrong for me to have expected a stronger reaction?
Additionally, most of the stuff that I do for people doesn't really seem to be because I want to do it (I mean, yeah, I want to do it because I like helping people, but I don't really WANT to do it), its more because I believe that maybe if I do things for other people, they'll think I'm worth talking to. Same with posting stuff on Instagram or whatever. My life is supremely boring, but maybe if I make it look interesting enough, people will want to talk to me. The other day I painted my nails Christmas-y (white base coat with alternating red and green French tips; plain white on my thumbs with holly leaves and berries) even though I wasn't going to my family's Christmas dinner just so I could post them on Instagram in the hopes of someone saying "omg they look so nice, where did you get them done" or something like that. I'm just so lonely and I'll do just about anything to get people to talk to me--short of actually leaving my house or even having people over.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2018 20:17:09 GMT
You can never predict the reaction or values of other people. I also step on the same rake over and over - trying to associate with people who don’t actually give a damn and holding to the illusions they do. I guess I’ll never learn this lesson.
Not sure about your friend - sometimes people don’t know how exactly to express their feelings. This is a complicated situation. Did she give you a good present too?
Instagram is extremely toxic. I understand why you feel this way about it - there it’s sll about getting attention and while doing that people always forget to pay it to others. Just maybe, it’d be good to stay away from it if it gives you such feelings.
Btw, it would be really cool if you showed your nail pics here or in the gallery - I like this kind of stuff. Did you paint them by yourself?
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Post by Sam on Dec 26, 2018 20:32:30 GMT
Some of them do care, I think, they just have enough other friends that I feel like I'm always being put on the backburner. And part of me feels like I deserve or should be okay with the backburner because I can't do a lot of the things that those other friends can. You know, going out places, even videochatting.
She did not actually get me anything, but I wasn't really expecting things. She doesn't have a whole lot of money--her mom works a bunch of jobs just to pay the bills and my friend is in college rn--plus she got mono a couple weeks ago so she hasn't been super active. Honestly I don't really ever get presents from my friends. I bought another friend of mine a cute necklace with her star sign and her initial on it as a joint birthday/graduation/Christmas present this year and I got a thank you but that was about it. I don't even know if she's wearing it. And yet, I still keep getting/making people presents. Mainly for the reasons stated in my original post.
I did take a break off of Instagram for a couple weeks back in October. I couldn't tell whether it helped or not. I always feel bad about not paying attention to what's going on in other people's lives, even though they don't pay attention to mine.
I might do that! They're a little worn now because I painted them on Monday and didn't put a top coat on, but they still look okay.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2018 0:48:11 GMT
We cannot hope much for people's reactions. And weird thing that we attracted more to pay attention for those who tend to ignore us - but yeah real story. I still trying to calm myself "just post whatever you want. you cannot just be people pleaser" . But wellllll I guess I will fell to same hole.
Instagram had two sides. In good side, I can see my idols updating their lives. Bad side, I felt unfair to see the others got many attention yet mine less. I had to control my instagram using too.
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Post by alvi on Dec 27, 2018 1:04:51 GMT
Maybe your friend said thank you when she received it but hasn't really had time to listen to the recording yet and really get to appreciate it.
I don't think it is wrong to want someone to show enthusiasm when you do something kind for them but I think a lot of times we will be disappointed and if this is one of those times don't let it put you off doing nice things for others. Most of the time when it comes to homemade gifts the person receiving it doesn't realise how much time and effort it takes to make these things.
As for social media I think it is toxic, especially for those of us who are lonely, isolated or unable to keep up with what others are doing. I know I felt so much worse when I used facebook so I deleted it. I was constantly comparing myself with others then feeling awful because my health stopped me doing a lot of the things the people from my past were doing. I don't think it is a good idea to use social media to make you feel better about your life. You will always see someone doing things that you are not and will just end up feeling like your life is so much less then theirs.
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Kat
New Daydreamer
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Post by Kat on Dec 27, 2018 3:52:41 GMT
You're not alone. I volunteer, I join various student interest groups in my college, participate in many committees and a musical production. If anyone needs my help, or wants to see me, would make time for them, even sacrificing the little free time I have. I do all of these—I would do anything in spite of my social anxiety and being left entirely drained, just so I can feel that my presence is needed, that I'm not entirely useless. I still feel profoundly isolated. Yes, it's not okay to expect people to react the way we want them to be because they won't. Even if they feel what we want them to feel, they may not express it the way we want them to do it. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm lonely and I want validation. I'm still trying to sit with the fact that I feel lonely. I like to delude myself into  that I'm "very independent", but really it's just a guise for being isolated. Maybe once I accept that I'm lonely, I won't be looking for external validation as much anymore. As for social media, like the others here I also think it's extremely toxic. It encourages us to compare our lives with that of other people. Maybe it would help to try taking up another activity while you're on break from social media? I tried it last year and got back to reading again. |
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Post by Sam on Dec 27, 2018 19:22:31 GMT
She responded with "i'm literally crying I love you so much" and "I know i'm gonna love it" and that was about it. This sounds like you got your reaction through a text message or a message online. No one has to tell you they're "literally crying" when they speak to you in person because you can see them or, if on the phone, hear them to know that they are, in fact, crying. So if your response was in a message - then no wonder you're not feeling there was a grand reaction. What if you made a phone call or met with them in person to ask them their thoughts? When offline, people are a bit more present with the company they are keeping, and that, along with their reaction, is much more satisfying. A quick message to say, "I got your gift, I'm crying now, thank you so much" only to find them offline immediately after makes me think that the person was caught up doing something else and will have to get back to you later (IF they remember). It wasn't in person. That friend lives across the country; I haven't seen her in person in over 5 years. I considered calling her as I sent the audio files to her, but I figured she was busy with family celebrations or whatever. |
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Post by Dimmer on Dec 29, 2018 18:07:56 GMT
This entire thread is my nightmare. I am a BAD reactor to things... I don't know what it is, I deadpan people. My SO had to open all the gifts for our baby shower because I do just DO NOT have the ability to react appropriately pleased or grateful. My dad flew all the way from Florida as a surprise for my son's first birthday (I had no idea) when he came in my mother in law was 'omg your dad came! look Dimmer look! ohhhh my god!" and I just looked up from what I was doing and said "oh hey" and wen't back to the dishes.
I am pleased. I am grateful. I do love you. It is awesome. I WILL cherish it always. etc etc etc.
Just bad at reacting.
"literally crying i love you so much" seems over the top from my pov, lol.
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that I'm "very independent", but really it's just a guise for being isolated. Maybe once I accept that I'm lonely, I won't be looking for external validation as much anymore.
