A 'short' intro



 This is my first foray into online peer-support for something which I have been experiencing almost my whole life, but never considered to be a real disorder until recently. I knew this was a problem but I guess in the way that a lot of addicts won't seek help or support for something that they are dependent on, or derive pleasure from, I never really wished for it to go away. I still don't, but I have always found that a space to talk about and admit to such issues can be extremely cathartic. 

I came across the term maladaptive daydreaming a few years ago, when research and acknowledgement of it as a mental disorder was still in it's infancy. I think that one of the reasons why I have never discussed it with anybody in my life is because I don't think they could ever take it seriously, and would simply balk at the idea of daydreaming being an issue. But the description fit.

I was diagnosed with social anxiety as a teenager, and am self-diagnosed with mild OCD. With hindsight, I also realised that there were one or two periods in my life that I can say were characteristic of depression. Daydreaming helped me to remove myself from the daily stresses that I experienced, and I found myself craving alone time where I could act out my daydreams in peace. 

It got in the way of my studies, my desire to daydream often meant that I spent my time doing this instead of putting in the time to study. It was a major blow when I didn't succeed, and I experienced my first depressive episode. But it never deterred me from daydreaming, I knew by then that it was a problem but I didn't want to stop. Mostly, I would just pace around listening to music in front of a mirror, doing this for hours. I was able to successfully daydream in bed, lying awake for hours and I found that I was able to invest myself more emotionally – I would cry at the different situations.

I’ve found that distraction is the key. I found work in a fast-paced job that required a lot of socialising, and I wouldn’t even think about my daydreams when I was around others. I craved it less and less, but every now and then, it still happens. Being alone and having time to sit with my own thoughts are what triggers the desire. Sometimes, I find that I get bored of my different daydreams. Before, I would spend hours researching and building my worlds and characters, but it has become less frequent.

I think that my daydreaming and anxiety/depression go hand in hand. I use the daydreaming to cope with my lingering anxieties, but the more I invest in them, the less time I put into my daily life, and it led me periods when I found no happiness in anything in my life. Reality became pointless, and daydreaming made me think that my real life was not what I wanted. I was able to bring myself out, but as with depression, maladaptive daydreaming is a lifelong occurrence that can only be controlled and not cured. Every day is a battle to keep it at bay, willing myself not to let it consume me. Sometimes I still indulge, but I’ve grown to prioritise, and have found that having something that brings satisfaction to ground me has helped. Of course, everyone’s situation is different, and we are all at different stages of recognising and coming to terms with daydreaming. Maybe we can never stop being maladaptive daydreamers, and maybe we don’t want to stop, but I think that being able to control it rather than have it control us is an important step to acknowledge.