Post by waking on Apr 4, 2019 17:23:51 GMT
My heart is racing as I type this. Even with a pseudonym and an avatar - I'm exposing my darkest, longest surviving secret...
I've been enslaved by MD for about 22 years. That's 73% of my lifespan (work it out). I'd often wonder if there was anyone else who also 'did this', and if there was, I knew that they were just as brilliant as living undercover as I was. In 2018, after another desperate attempt to control my thoughts so that I don't dream my entire life away, I discovered the term of MD. I've read numerous of articles, joined the facebook groups, and recently discovered this forum.
If you were to meet me - you wouldn't say that this girl has been struggling with an addiction for decades. I'm a high-functioning individual. I was headgirl, junior mayor of my city, award-winning athlete and academic, I married the right guy, and even recently won an award as the most valued professional (MVP) at my university (just checked - you still won't be able to locate me on google). I'm honestly only sharing this because MD can belong to anyone (or should I say anyone can belong to MD).
My internal life is far from glorious. I'm riddled with daily guilt, sleeplessness, loneliness, anxiety, dissociation, and due to the way I MD, I now also have physical health problems as a result. I am missing out on life.
One evening, my husband of 6 years was lying next to me on the couch playing a game on his phone, when I received a daily YouVersion notification on my phone, which I generally ignore or give a passive glance, but on this evening the app displayed this verse: James 5:16 "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." I had this surge of courage, (more like a cocktail of emotions racing in my mind: should I, shouldn't I, it's mine...it my precious), and then I realised, if not now...when? When will this end? Seriously when? When you have kids? When you've created millions of worlds? When you're finally satisfied? Or when you realise that you're killing yourself? I read the verse to my husband and he didn't look up from his phone. I then said... I think I may have something to confess...
Since then (this happened about 2 weeks ago), I've decided that this is it. I'm actively trying to heal, re-build, and try to like the real-life me. I've joined a mindfulness course, and am trying to adopt self-compassion. This is the start of my journey, and like any addiction, I know there is no cure, no easy path, no magic pill. Just the raw, rickety road of reality, where I'll try to stay a little longer each day.
I've been enslaved by MD for about 22 years. That's 73% of my lifespan (work it out). I'd often wonder if there was anyone else who also 'did this', and if there was, I knew that they were just as brilliant as living undercover as I was. In 2018, after another desperate attempt to control my thoughts so that I don't dream my entire life away, I discovered the term of MD. I've read numerous of articles, joined the facebook groups, and recently discovered this forum.
If you were to meet me - you wouldn't say that this girl has been struggling with an addiction for decades. I'm a high-functioning individual. I was headgirl, junior mayor of my city, award-winning athlete and academic, I married the right guy, and even recently won an award as the most valued professional (MVP) at my university (just checked - you still won't be able to locate me on google). I'm honestly only sharing this because MD can belong to anyone (or should I say anyone can belong to MD).
My internal life is far from glorious. I'm riddled with daily guilt, sleeplessness, loneliness, anxiety, dissociation, and due to the way I MD, I now also have physical health problems as a result. I am missing out on life.
One evening, my husband of 6 years was lying next to me on the couch playing a game on his phone, when I received a daily YouVersion notification on my phone, which I generally ignore or give a passive glance, but on this evening the app displayed this verse: James 5:16 "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." I had this surge of courage, (more like a cocktail of emotions racing in my mind: should I, shouldn't I, it's mine...it my precious), and then I realised, if not now...when? When will this end? Seriously when? When you have kids? When you've created millions of worlds? When you're finally satisfied? Or when you realise that you're killing yourself? I read the verse to my husband and he didn't look up from his phone. I then said... I think I may have something to confess...
Since then (this happened about 2 weeks ago), I've decided that this is it. I'm actively trying to heal, re-build, and try to like the real-life me. I've joined a mindfulness course, and am trying to adopt self-compassion. This is the start of my journey, and like any addiction, I know there is no cure, no easy path, no magic pill. Just the raw, rickety road of reality, where I'll try to stay a little longer each day.
