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Post by bee on Aug 5, 2019 16:30:21 GMT
Hey there! My name is Bee, I am 44 years old and I started dd when I was about 9 or 10. (Btw. English is not my native language, so please excuse any mistakes in spelling or wording.) At the moment I am a little bit worried about my dd "leaking" into my reality. No, I don't think I develop super-powers any time soon ;-) More like... I am beginning to realize that my expectations about myself, other people, situations etc. are not based on real life but on my dd. For instance, at the moment I dd a lot about about living close to nature, wilderness adventures and suchlike. Recently I spend some time outdoors and it was disappointing. Emotionally disappointing. In my dd "I" am relaxed and enjoy nature, in rl I was bored and anxious and didn't enjoy it at all. It's the same with people, in dd I feel perfectly fine around them, loved and respected. In rl I find myself often disappointed with people and unable to make meaningful connections. I try to adjust my emotions and expectations to rl, but I think after doing dd for so many years I don't know what "normal" feels like any more. Or maybe I never did, about that. Well, that's me - lost myself in my own head somehow. Bee
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Post by Sam on Aug 5, 2019 20:29:36 GMT
Welcome to the forum Bee!
I think that disappointment with real life experiences is probably one of the most universal attributes of maladaptive daydreaming. This disappointment can occur for a number of reasons.
For one, if you daydream about a situation before it actually happens, its not likely that it will happen in exactly the same way that you'd imagined and that in and of itself can feel very disappointing (especially if the daydream situation was very pleasant or emotionally pleasing). One of the characteristics of maladaptive daydreaming is that people who do it tend to get very emotionally attached to their daydream scenarios. This exacerbates the disappointment when the real life situation doesn't happen the way you'd imagined it would.
Additionally, you control every aspect of your daydream life, including all of the potential issues that could turn up in real life. Because you don't have that level of control over real life (you can't control the weather, other people's reactions, etc.), you end up feeling like there is something missing from your real life experience.
Using your examples, say in real life you went outdoors and there were irritating bugs, or maybe it started to rain. You can't control either of those things, making you feel disappointed with the experience. Even people who don't daydream the way that we do could end up feeling disappointed if either of those things happened. But because we get emotionally attached to the preconceived ideas we had about the situation (as you said, feeling relaxed when you're in nature), we end up incredibly disappointed with the experience and more likely in the future to rely on daydreaming to experience those situations rather than actually putting yourself in them in real life.
The same goes for interacting with people. In your daydreams, you control everything in your interactions from what you say and do, to the environment, to how others react. Because that is literally not possible in real life (with the exception of controlling what you say and do), you're going to feel out of touch with the experience. Perhaps the person you're talking to says or does something that you didn't expect, or didn't react in exactly the way that you'd imagined. It can feel devastating to put yourself in a real life situation that is similar to a daydream scenario and find that it does not go the way that you'd imagined, that it doesn't feel exactly as you'd imagined.
I, personally, have struggled with this a lot. As I said above, when something doesn't turn out exactly the way that I imagined it would, it just makes me want to rely on daydreaming more. I think that letting go of expectations in general is probably a good, if very difficult, step. Everyone feels disappointment when things don't turn out the way that they wanted. When they mess up during a presentation, when it rains on the day that they wanted to have a picnic, when someone doesn't react with what they deem the appropriate amount of enthusiasm or empathy. But because people who daydream maladaptively have so much more emotional attachment to those imagined situations, the disappointment increases exponentially. I still struggle with letting go of expectations. But using mindfulness to try to keep myself grounded and in the present moment has been quite beneficial.
Nothing will ever turn out exactly the way that you wanted. There are a billion different variables and even one being slightly off shifts that perfect scenario to something that is not perfect, and that is thus not what you wanted. Understanding that on an emotional level is difficult. You can logically understand that obviously nothing is perfect, but until you learn to accept that on an emotional level, you're going to feel that disappointment.
Another thing to keep in mind is that, yeah, maybe real life won't ever be as perfect as your daydreams. Maybe you'll spend the rest of your life feeling disappointed with your experiences (I know this is difficult to accept, stay with me). What matters is what you do about it. Do you retreat further into your daydreams because perfection is more important to you than living your life? Or do you continue on experiencing things in real life, even if they do feel disenchanted and disappointing? Through years of therapy, I've learned that I can't change the way that I feel. I can't make myself less anxious. But I can choose to feel those emotions and continue doing the things that I want to. Its really difficult (and I mean REALLY difficult), but I truly believe that over time you can learn to feel, in your case, disappointment with your experiences, and continue to put yourself in those situations because you prioritize living in your real life over the perfection and control that comes with your daydreams.
I'm not saying that you absolutely have to do that, its entirely up to you. Maybe you do feel okay with staying in the comfort of your daydreams. That's okay. What's important is that you understand that, if you want, you can change your response to the feelings that arise from real life. You can stay with them instead of running away. That change in response is going to make more of a difference in your experience and life satisfaction than trying to change the way that you feel ever will.
Oh my god this got so long. I apologize for writing something so long and psychoanalytical. Um, if you're interested in something like what I explained, I can help you with that, but if not, feel free to disregard everything I said. This was more of an explanation of the tactics that I've personally been trying to use. And it took me months to accept it, so I understand if its not something that you're interested in (especially since I did a pretty bad job of explaining it).
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Post by bee on Aug 5, 2019 22:26:27 GMT
Sam, thank you very much for your answer. No, it’s not too long, and no, you did explain it very well. I have to think about all you said, you gave me very useful insights. Quite frankly, I am what to do at the moment. Dd was/is my coping mechanism it helped me over a lot of bad stuff, especially in my childhood. At first, things I really couldn’t control (abuse/divorce etc.), later on things I felt I couldn’t handle without it. A few years ago I managed to shift my daydreams from real life situations (like, what my next day would be like) to a more fictional setting (like a book). I reasoned that this would enable me to separate my emotions, living in both worlds, one might say. It doesn’t seem to work and I think your explanation about emotional attachment gives me a very good reason why. As I said, you gave me a lot to think about, thanks again and take care! Bee
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Post by Dimmer on Aug 7, 2019 0:26:53 GMT
Welcome to the server, bee! 'Don't know what normal feels like' I relate.
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Post by alvi on Aug 7, 2019 16:36:04 GMT
Welcome to the forum Bee.
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