Post by missl on Aug 31, 2019 5:23:19 GMT
I won't say my name. I can say I have struggled with this since childhood so finding a name for it and some information that rings true is pretty exciting. I thing my diagnoses of bi polar is actually a pretty sever case of MDD. I have done it since I was a kid. Theres all kinds of stuff in my past an abusive alcoholic dad who used to leave us locked in the car for hours or a Mom who used to paste pictures of celebrities all over the wall at her boring job and stare at them checked out all day. I knew she was doing what I do but she just hid it more well. I am obsessed with images I find a celebrity image or am triggered by a movie then look at the image and build a fantasy world around it, I get so high from it. I crave seeing the picture and when I can be alone and put some headphones and talk to my fantasy fiancee or my co workers who adore me. I sometimes pull up the image on my phone and put it on the dash and talk to it in the car. I love to talk to myself ( which is what I have been calling it) in the car, but I get so high I drive really fast and recklessly. I've mentioned to many psyche's and psychiatrists and they always sugar coat it and tell me im so smart and creative and I try to explain to them how I get "lost" I should e studying I should be parenting but I just want to escape into my world of people who love me and good feelings. I'm 37 and building a successful career. I work with at risk youth, I am raising two daughters on my own. I am a full time student who is going to be a teacher and I have so much going on but I am always afraid I am a little off., or a little detached and people know. I know my neighbors all think I'm crazy because when I first moved in I was talking to myself in the alley behind the house. Please if you read this and relate tell me because I always wonder if I am one step away from the homeless people you see yelling and talking to themselves. I was an aide for a disabled girl and she had a hard time making friends and she used to MDD all day long at school. I couldn't tell her that I do the exact same thing and have my whole life. I was working with foster youth and they had a boy who was abandoned by five families who walked around in a fantasy world and I couldn't tell them that when I get home I do that too. And now my youngest daughter does it and has seen me do it. I have so much shame so please of you read this and your like me let me know. I feel crazy. On the one hand I know Im very smart but on the other I know something is wrong. I have lost jobs over it. I hated the job and needed to quit but I didn't so my fantasy world just took over. I couldn't stop I was late to everything I slurred my speech. I stopped caring for myself and they fired me. I hope this is a place where I can be honest. I am in 12 step recovery for another addiction and I know I am addicted to this. This is me. So Smart, so driven, so much potential but hiding a secret that makes me feel crazy and different.
