Post by dididi on Oct 7, 2019 20:05:46 GMT
hi everyone
I am in complete shock. I have had MDD my whole life unknowingly. I've had several breakdowns, met with different therapists, googled symptoms when at a loss, and never have I come across this term before. I hope you'll excuse me if this post becomes a little long, but I really feel compelled to share my journey with you.
TRIGGER WARNING: mention of sexual assault and suicide:
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The family context I was born into, along with my severe sensitivity, made me particularly susceptible to MDD (at least this is how I rationalise it to myself?). I was an introverted child and loved playing alone. While other girls began to develop and experiment with make up or boys, I remained quite naive and child-like. I think this is where the real trouble began.
During my entire childhood I always inexplicably felt like an 'other' or a 'freak,' and now especially that there was this extra difference...I began to live inside my head.
Due to not having a constant male figure in the house growing up, combined with extremely deep self-esteem issues, I created a blank lover for myself. If I had an external crush on a boy in my class, his face would be plastered onto this internal dummy. I had a constant narrative playing inside me all the time, as a reassurance to myself that I was loved, and loveable. If I got bored in class, if something upset me, when I was going to sleep at night, I would dip back into my narrative like pressing Play on a DVD and the story would continue. Sometimes these fantasies would be combined with a narrative from a movie or series that I especially liked. I would covet these story lines like golden eggs, dream I was the girl that the hunky Hollywood actor had fallen for.
I would also compulsively daydream about being someone else, all the time. I would still be me, but better. I would imagine: me but speaking all the languages I wish I could; me but as intelligent and well-read I wished I could be; me but 10 years in the future doing something really cool.
These daydreams all accumulated to one essential meaning: I was not good enough for myself. While all my energy went into sustaining my daydreams, my real life became undernourished. For example, instead of simply reading a book and absorbing its meaning, I would daydream about being a girl reading the book. This created severe disassociation and I rarely felt like I was actually in my body or the world around me.
By the time I reached university age I hadn't reached the sexual milestones my peers had, which made me more insecure, which made me so much more prone to MDD. I had various crushes which I would build up to a great height in my head, only to be let down because the reality of the situation was far different. It was also during this time that I noticed a much more troubling and disturbing symptom. I would fantasise about being assaulted. I didn't get pleasure from it, I didn't want to be doing it, but during a particularly bad time when I was going through severe anxiety and depression, my mind would wander and I would get stuck in this narrative about being r*ped. This caused me a lot of distress. I couldn't stop doing it, it was like magnets getting sucked together; whenever my mind had time to wander, it would go to that narrative.
That was the first time I sought help, from my university counsellor. I don't remember the exactitudes of the meeting but she was no real help. My story was dismissed as the usual case of workload anxiety.
Another problem at this time was that I was at art school. So my daydreaming, my internal life, became mixed up with my artistic process. This lead to some of my most difficult years that I cannot believe I survived through by myself. I was trying desperately to 'exorcise' what I saw as my 'demon' (the compulsive daydreaming and fantasising) sometimes channeling it through my artwork, and then putting so much blame and guilt on myself if something went wrong in either my love life or my artistic practice. All of my processes were all mixed up, and I would often get very lost, confused, scared, depressed and even suicidal.
This all culminated in the middle of my Masters degree. This was a high-pressure situation and I hadn't sorted all of my bad internal wiring out (because I really really didn't know how to! and I had been trying for so long!) I ended up having my absolute worst case of MDD over someone in my college. He would stare at me a lot, so I compulsively concocted narrative after narrative about our love. I was not living in the real world. So much so that I failed my first year final project. This is when reality came crashing round me for the last time. I found a therapist. I started the painful journey of sorting myself out properly for the first time in my life.
It's been 4 years since then. I've had more breakdowns in that time, been on two different types of medication, and had another year of therapy with someone different, and I am happy to say, my MDD habits are...so much better. Almost eradicated, I would say. Sometimes when I think about how bad it used to be, I am amazed..astounded, can't believe it was ever so bad. My only trigger now, is when I have a crush on someone. It is such a difficult territory for me. I know daydreaming about someone you fancy is 'normal'... but it's seriously so much more for me, and can cause me to slip into the bad times again, where I can't control coming out of a daydream, get confused with my emotions and lose touch with my real self.
I'm so happy to have found this group. I'm looking forward to going through all of the threads. Thank you if you have actually read this mammoth sized essay.
Love,
DD
I am in complete shock. I have had MDD my whole life unknowingly. I've had several breakdowns, met with different therapists, googled symptoms when at a loss, and never have I come across this term before. I hope you'll excuse me if this post becomes a little long, but I really feel compelled to share my journey with you.
TRIGGER WARNING: mention of sexual assault and suicide:
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The family context I was born into, along with my severe sensitivity, made me particularly susceptible to MDD (at least this is how I rationalise it to myself?). I was an introverted child and loved playing alone. While other girls began to develop and experiment with make up or boys, I remained quite naive and child-like. I think this is where the real trouble began.
During my entire childhood I always inexplicably felt like an 'other' or a 'freak,' and now especially that there was this extra difference...I began to live inside my head.
Due to not having a constant male figure in the house growing up, combined with extremely deep self-esteem issues, I created a blank lover for myself. If I had an external crush on a boy in my class, his face would be plastered onto this internal dummy. I had a constant narrative playing inside me all the time, as a reassurance to myself that I was loved, and loveable. If I got bored in class, if something upset me, when I was going to sleep at night, I would dip back into my narrative like pressing Play on a DVD and the story would continue. Sometimes these fantasies would be combined with a narrative from a movie or series that I especially liked. I would covet these story lines like golden eggs, dream I was the girl that the hunky Hollywood actor had fallen for.
I would also compulsively daydream about being someone else, all the time. I would still be me, but better. I would imagine: me but speaking all the languages I wish I could; me but as intelligent and well-read I wished I could be; me but 10 years in the future doing something really cool.
These daydreams all accumulated to one essential meaning: I was not good enough for myself. While all my energy went into sustaining my daydreams, my real life became undernourished. For example, instead of simply reading a book and absorbing its meaning, I would daydream about being a girl reading the book. This created severe disassociation and I rarely felt like I was actually in my body or the world around me.
By the time I reached university age I hadn't reached the sexual milestones my peers had, which made me more insecure, which made me so much more prone to MDD. I had various crushes which I would build up to a great height in my head, only to be let down because the reality of the situation was far different. It was also during this time that I noticed a much more troubling and disturbing symptom. I would fantasise about being assaulted. I didn't get pleasure from it, I didn't want to be doing it, but during a particularly bad time when I was going through severe anxiety and depression, my mind would wander and I would get stuck in this narrative about being r*ped. This caused me a lot of distress. I couldn't stop doing it, it was like magnets getting sucked together; whenever my mind had time to wander, it would go to that narrative.
That was the first time I sought help, from my university counsellor. I don't remember the exactitudes of the meeting but she was no real help. My story was dismissed as the usual case of workload anxiety.
Another problem at this time was that I was at art school. So my daydreaming, my internal life, became mixed up with my artistic process. This lead to some of my most difficult years that I cannot believe I survived through by myself. I was trying desperately to 'exorcise' what I saw as my 'demon' (the compulsive daydreaming and fantasising) sometimes channeling it through my artwork, and then putting so much blame and guilt on myself if something went wrong in either my love life or my artistic practice. All of my processes were all mixed up, and I would often get very lost, confused, scared, depressed and even suicidal.
This all culminated in the middle of my Masters degree. This was a high-pressure situation and I hadn't sorted all of my bad internal wiring out (because I really really didn't know how to! and I had been trying for so long!) I ended up having my absolute worst case of MDD over someone in my college. He would stare at me a lot, so I compulsively concocted narrative after narrative about our love. I was not living in the real world. So much so that I failed my first year final project. This is when reality came crashing round me for the last time. I found a therapist. I started the painful journey of sorting myself out properly for the first time in my life.
It's been 4 years since then. I've had more breakdowns in that time, been on two different types of medication, and had another year of therapy with someone different, and I am happy to say, my MDD habits are...so much better. Almost eradicated, I would say. Sometimes when I think about how bad it used to be, I am amazed..astounded, can't believe it was ever so bad. My only trigger now, is when I have a crush on someone. It is such a difficult territory for me. I know daydreaming about someone you fancy is 'normal'... but it's seriously so much more for me, and can cause me to slip into the bad times again, where I can't control coming out of a daydream, get confused with my emotions and lose touch with my real self.
I'm so happy to have found this group. I'm looking forward to going through all of the threads. Thank you if you have actually read this mammoth sized essay.
Love,
DD
