Post by Sam on Oct 30, 2019 2:26:20 GMT
This post is going to be a combination of a lot of things that I've been thinking about recently and some from that post that I wrote the other day but never published because I felt weird about it. I honestly feel more apprehensive about posting this than I have with pretty much any of my other posts, and they get pretty damn personal, so that's saying something.
I've written a lot about my isolation and its negative impacts on my life. My physical and mental health conditions make it very difficult for me to get physically intimate with other people, on the rare occasions when I see them in person. And I don't mean that sexually, I just mean that its difficult for me to do the normal non-sexual intimacy that you see between family members and close friends. Like hugging and cuddling stuff like that (tbh I don't actually know what friendships entail when you see the person in real life because I haven't had that since I was in my early teens).
More and more I'm noticing myself missing and even craving those casual touches that I've gone without for so long. Even moreso the past year since I've gotten horribly afraid of germs and no longer get hugs from my parents without my brain screaming at me about contamination (and since I greatly dislike the screaming, I generally go without the contact). At least before then I still got some contact from my parents, who are the only people I see on a regular basis. But now I'm just completely going without them and my brain is seriously suffering from a lack of oxytocin and whatever other things you get from physical contact with people that you trust.
Even if I was seeing friends in person (while any kind of physical contact would probably help, I get the feeling that the contact from friends is what I'm craving the most) and even if I were able to get over the germs thing (and the anxiety, and the anxiety about the physical health issues, etc.), touching doesn't feel... safe? Its just that there are so many ways that physical intimacy can be interpreted and I've never been particularly good at interpreting them, and the fact that no matter what my brain might say (it makes some remarkably bad choices when it comes to this stuff), I'm not interested in anything romantic or sexual, and I don't really know how to communicate that, and I wouldn't want to accidentally ruin one of the few friendships that I have left. And that all sort of culminates in it feeling unsafe for me to express the desire for physical contact with people in real life.
So for years my brain has taken to relying on my daydreams for that. I replace all of what I want in real life with daydreams because that's the only place where I feel comfortable getting the physical intimacy that I want so much in my real life. Its safe because I control it completely. I don't have to worry about my physical health issues making me uncomfortable or embarrassed. I don't have to worry about getting pushed into something that I'm not really interested in. I don't have to worry about my brain screaming at me about the germs or about how all of my muscles tense up when I'm close to another person because never in my entire life (even when I was a kid) have I been good at touch and that's weird and it'll make the other person uncomfortable.
Hugging or cuddling with another person in my daydreams makes me feel good. I get some of those endorphins that I never get from real life situations. But it also makes me feel bad and like its wrong because those people aren't real. I actually can't remember the point that I was trying to make when I first started writing but I'm going to keep going anyways because I've already spent a chunk of time writing.
(I think I've remembered the point but idk for sure.)
I've been trying to lessen my attachment to my daydream characters. It seems to be a logical next step because I'll never be able to get out of the MD cycle if I'm attached to the characters and can't let go. And one could argue that putting myself into physically intimate situations with my daydream characters only deepens my attachment to them. And that is definitely what it feels like is happening.
But I'm having a very hard time letting go of one of the few things that brings me comfort (to clarify: all daydreaming brings me comfort, but I'm specifically talking about the daydreams where I have physical contact with others). Especially on days like today where I'm very stressed and feel an increased need for comfort. It feels wrong to use my daydream characters for comfort when they aren't really real and continuing to keep my attachment to them is negatively impacting my ability to move on. But its difficult for me to stop because I want that physical intimacy so badly and it seems impossible for me to get in real life (I mean, I could, but it would be very difficult for a multitude of reasons and potentially embarrassing, and we all know how I feel about doing things that are embarrassing).
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of writing this. Its very personal and hard to talk about and tbh its not even close to how personal it could be, but I've already written a lot, the internet probably doesn't need to know the finite details about my feelings toward things, and I'm wary enough about posting this as is.
I've written a lot about my isolation and its negative impacts on my life. My physical and mental health conditions make it very difficult for me to get physically intimate with other people, on the rare occasions when I see them in person. And I don't mean that sexually, I just mean that its difficult for me to do the normal non-sexual intimacy that you see between family members and close friends. Like hugging and cuddling stuff like that (tbh I don't actually know what friendships entail when you see the person in real life because I haven't had that since I was in my early teens).
More and more I'm noticing myself missing and even craving those casual touches that I've gone without for so long. Even moreso the past year since I've gotten horribly afraid of germs and no longer get hugs from my parents without my brain screaming at me about contamination (and since I greatly dislike the screaming, I generally go without the contact). At least before then I still got some contact from my parents, who are the only people I see on a regular basis. But now I'm just completely going without them and my brain is seriously suffering from a lack of oxytocin and whatever other things you get from physical contact with people that you trust.
Even if I was seeing friends in person (while any kind of physical contact would probably help, I get the feeling that the contact from friends is what I'm craving the most) and even if I were able to get over the germs thing (and the anxiety, and the anxiety about the physical health issues, etc.), touching doesn't feel... safe? Its just that there are so many ways that physical intimacy can be interpreted and I've never been particularly good at interpreting them, and the fact that no matter what my brain might say (it makes some remarkably bad choices when it comes to this stuff), I'm not interested in anything romantic or sexual, and I don't really know how to communicate that, and I wouldn't want to accidentally ruin one of the few friendships that I have left. And that all sort of culminates in it feeling unsafe for me to express the desire for physical contact with people in real life.
So for years my brain has taken to relying on my daydreams for that. I replace all of what I want in real life with daydreams because that's the only place where I feel comfortable getting the physical intimacy that I want so much in my real life. Its safe because I control it completely. I don't have to worry about my physical health issues making me uncomfortable or embarrassed. I don't have to worry about getting pushed into something that I'm not really interested in. I don't have to worry about my brain screaming at me about the germs or about how all of my muscles tense up when I'm close to another person because never in my entire life (even when I was a kid) have I been good at touch and that's weird and it'll make the other person uncomfortable.
Hugging or cuddling with another person in my daydreams makes me feel good. I get some of those endorphins that I never get from real life situations. But it also makes me feel bad and like its wrong because those people aren't real. I actually can't remember the point that I was trying to make when I first started writing but I'm going to keep going anyways because I've already spent a chunk of time writing.
(I think I've remembered the point but idk for sure.)
I've been trying to lessen my attachment to my daydream characters. It seems to be a logical next step because I'll never be able to get out of the MD cycle if I'm attached to the characters and can't let go. And one could argue that putting myself into physically intimate situations with my daydream characters only deepens my attachment to them. And that is definitely what it feels like is happening.
But I'm having a very hard time letting go of one of the few things that brings me comfort (to clarify: all daydreaming brings me comfort, but I'm specifically talking about the daydreams where I have physical contact with others). Especially on days like today where I'm very stressed and feel an increased need for comfort. It feels wrong to use my daydream characters for comfort when they aren't really real and continuing to keep my attachment to them is negatively impacting my ability to move on. But its difficult for me to stop because I want that physical intimacy so badly and it seems impossible for me to get in real life (I mean, I could, but it would be very difficult for a multitude of reasons and potentially embarrassing, and we all know how I feel about doing things that are embarrassing).
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of writing this. Its very personal and hard to talk about and tbh its not even close to how personal it could be, but I've already written a lot, the internet probably doesn't need to know the finite details about my feelings toward things, and I'm wary enough about posting this as is.
