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Post by red512 on Nov 11, 2019 22:38:55 GMT
Ive been putting this off for years now, and I finally got the guts to make an account.
For the longest time I felt like creating something as simple as an account would be like confirming that there is something truly "wrong" with me, or accepting a pretty dark and hidden part of me. I know there isnt, but I truly wonder why do I do this to myself. I do have a good life and sure a have really bad anxiety and self esteem issues but that does not justify most my daydreams.
It makes my wonder what reality truly is. Because sometimes MD is the only thing I can do, or the only thing that saves me from my anxiety in certain social situations. Its almost like a tide that pushes me under, again and again, and I am useless to stop it. No matter how much I try I always end up there again, dragged by the waves, and the worst part is that sometimes when I dont wanna think or feel anymore, I yearn to feel that way again.
I tried stopping cold turkey a few times, and as most of you must know, it did not work, at all. In fact it made me daydream more than I usually do. Generally speaking, I tend to daydream for around 5 to 7 hours, and it has gotten to a point that I truly dont know what normal people do anymore with that amount of free time. It makes me question my morals and who I truly outside of this.
This post got a bit more carried away than it should have, but I just needed to vent my frustration against something I cannot fight against. If anyone is reading this, I hope you have a great day. Dont know if I should make more of this but it felt good to finally let something out.
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Post by serenity on Nov 12, 2019 0:01:20 GMT
Ive been putting this off for years now, and I finally got the guts to make an account. For the longest time I felt like creating something as simple as an account would be like confirming that there is something truly "wrong" with me, or accepting a pretty dark and hidden part of me. I know there isnt, but I truly wonder why do I do this to myself. I do have a good life and sure a have really bad anxiety and self esteem issues but that does not justify most my daydreams. It makes my wonder what reality truly is . Because sometimes MD is the only thing I can do, or the only thing that saves me from my anxiety in certain social situations. Its almost like a tide that pushes me under, again and again, and I am useless to stop it. No matter how much I try I always end up there again, dragged by the waves, and the worst part is that sometimes when I dont wanna think or feel anymore, I yearn to feel that way again. I tried stopping cold turkey a few times, and as most of you must know, it did not work, at all. In fact it made me daydream more than I usually do. Generally speaking, I tend to daydream for around 5 to 7 hours, and it has gotten to a point that I truly dont know what normal people do anymore with that amount of free time. It makes me question my morals and who I truly outside of this. This post got a bit more carried away than it should have, but I just needed to vent my frustration against something I cannot fight against. If anyone is reading this, I hope you have a great day. Dont know if I should make more of this but it felt good to finally let something out. Hey Red. I'm on day 17,now.Cold turkey. I've been MDing for over 35 years. I carry 'memories' decades old. Stories I began telling myself in my teens that have evolved over years and years and multiple iterations. Always thought I was alone. I hid away whenever I had the chance. Yes, there have been traumas :why I started, I imagine. But, like you, I have had a good life. The point is, nothing changes overnight, especially if you feel alone. Trust me, you aren't. Look at all the stories on here. Fantastic, brilliant people. There isn't anything 'wrong' with you, with any of us. We just found an easy place to hide, where we can be safe. Tell me you know a person who is completely 'normal', and I'll ask you where they are buried. Everyone has challenges. Everyone. Ours are just a different, complicated type. I decided just over a fortnight ago to change my life. Ripped myself away from worlds I'd created where I was safe. Its tough, painful, and above all necessary. I'd never have been able to do so without seeing this community. Being part of it. I've a diary called day one on here. Have a read. It's not impossible to quit, I promise. I'm not saying I won't stumble, I don't know. But have hope. We're all behind you. If you want to rant, share, whatever. We'll listen and never judge. You've created a profile on here. That shows courage. Be proud of the first step, however small. We have your back. S |
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Post by dragontooth00 on Nov 12, 2019 1:49:54 GMT
I absolutely agree! We’ve got all kinds of people here, young old and in between, and all of us are here to support each other and help each other learn about this weird mental addiction, and inspire each other to try to find ways to cope and even quit. Chances are, if you’ve got something to rant about, we’ll know exactly what you’re feeling. It’s scary to come out about problems we don’t know about. However, we have each other, and I think it makes it much easier Bc were here among a community that understands. I hope you keep posting and sharing with us when you feel comfortable! ❤️
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Post by Sam on Nov 12, 2019 2:03:01 GMT
Welcome to the forum!
Acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step to dealing with it. I know from personal experience that interacting with other people here on the forum has helped me a lot. I hope that it'll help you the same way, so if you feel comfortable, share more on the various boards. Even if you don't want to post, you can still look at what everyone else has posted. Perhaps it'll make you feel less alone in this.
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Post by bee on Nov 12, 2019 9:21:24 GMT
Hey red512,
welcome to the forum, nice to meet you!
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Post by katie on Nov 12, 2019 23:22:40 GMT
Hello red512 and welcome to daydream in blue.
We are all in this together and know how you feel in time when you are ready it will get easier witha bit of support and help. :)
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Post by kondiao on Nov 18, 2019 2:53:10 GMT
Hello Red.
I like the metaphor you use of the tide pulling your consciousness down and waves continually dragging you back. Often it is like that with me. And I cannot fight that.
Other times it is a mild tendency to go out into a more pleasant place when I feel uncomfortable, or bored. These times I have had some success with some of the methods that members of DDiB have suggested: like blinking and focusing deliberately on what is in front of me.
But I would quit cold-turkey if given the chance. I know it would be hard - to deal with reality when I have always escaped from in, being so unprepared and unequiped to handle situations.
Still I believe it would be authentic to suffer in real life rather than to continue to be a success in my fantasy world.
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Post by serenity on Nov 18, 2019 12:23:14 GMT
Hello Red. I like the metaphor you use of the tide pulling your consciousness down and waves continually dragging you back. Often it is like that with me. And I cannot fight that. Other times it is a mild tendency to go out into a more pleasant place when I feel uncomfortable, or bored. These times I have had some success with some of the methods that members of DDiB have suggested: like blinking and focusing deliberately on what is in front of me. But I would quit cold-turkey if given the chance. I know it would be hard - to deal with reality when I have always escaped from in, being so unprepared and unequiped to handle situations. Still I believe it would be authentic to suffer in real life rather than to continue to be a success in my fantasy world. Hi. If you're up to it, try quitting. It hard but worth it. Day 23 here. S |
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Post by kondiao on Jan 30, 2020 12:14:01 GMT
Hi out there. This is Kondiao again and I am really down. Only comforting thought I can come up with is that I don't have all that much longer to live under the best of circumstances; and maybe way things are going in the world now soon the living will envy the dead. A couple times I thought I had an effective means of dealing with MaDD - like the meditation strategies I was getting online daily from some society. One technique worked for a day or two -- and then it just stopped being effective. Whatever this thing is - the part of my psyche that goes into fantasy all the time when I need to be present - it just seems to be so determined that it finds a way to circumvent the breathing or visualization strategy I had that had shown promise of working. And lately my memory problem has been getting worse. The methods I was trained to use in the VA hospital, PTSD programs - things like always keeping a notebook to list all the things I have to do and, of course, being mindful all the time so you make a mental note of where you parked and where you are when you go to sleep - are not as effective for me any more. My memory is just working so much less. And so I am spaced-out more of the time. Or it is because I am so spaced out that I do not automatically take mental note of where I am and so I get lost. So I have so much more anxiety over just daily living and this upsets my brain functioning. So, therefore I just fall into my DD state more naturally, like that is my default state of mind. Added to that my g/f just dumped me. This happens to to everyone sometimes I guess; it has happened to me before. But this time - God, I really was believing we two were soul mates and we had a chance to make a life in spite of everything. We had plans to get married and everything. And then her other man appeared on the scene and Jesus - I tried to get into a fight with him but he just kept on yelling at me that I was crazy and he would call the cops on me and she kept on standing in between us so I could not get started without hurting her. That slammed me down - to think that I was just her fool and she lied to him and to me. So I try to be cool and to stay present and calm but I am just lost in re-playing that scene and the things I should say to her and trying to be present and accept my feelings and then DDing about if I see that guy again I should just go after him and start punching and kicking. He has contempt for me because I am old but I think maybe I could take him it I use the self-defense dirty-fighting ways I was trained in years ago and I would have only 30 seconds to do or die because I would run out of breath or have a heart attack or get beaten senseless. And I know this  is juvenile and I should go on living in the present - but the intrusive thoughts keep coming to me constantly because I am so upset and I run with them for minutes at a time until I realize - O , there I go again, DayDreaming. Life was so bad for me and now it is crazy on top of everything else. I used to tell her she was the only reason I was trying to stay here in Thailand. And also she was the reason I went on living. And now my world has been pulled out from under me and it feels like the world is calling my bluff. I think that it would be so simple to just step out onto the balcony and drop from the 5th floor and put an end to all this misery. I pretty much can expect to not survive such a fall and be crippled up, wishing I was dead. I am trying not to visualize the steps to do this. But, I really cannot come up with a better plan right now and this life is unbearable. |
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is juvenile and I should go on living in the present - but the intrusive thoughts keep coming to me constantly because I am so upset and I run with them for minutes at a time until I realize - O , there I go again, DayDreaming.