Post by sinsability on Nov 27, 2019 19:26:37 GMT
So that's it. At least now I know how to call this state of mind.
I guess it started when I was around four or five. Honestly I don't even remember me without this constant daydreaming. As if at some point in my childhood I realized that I could preserve all these visions in my head and manipulate them, could take moments from cartoons or movies and place them in "my world" or rather place me in their world. My parents believed I was just an imaginative kid. Little did they know of how much effort I put in every plot of a daydream. I never required a friend or a sibling in real life because I always had someone non-existent by my side. If nobody saw that, I could even talk to them quietly (I still do). Pretty common for kids, right? I guess it is, at least until it stays where it belongs - in childhood. But mine - mine stayed with me for a little longer.
I can't even say it started from any kind of PTSD. My parents were - and are - loving and caring people, I always lived in a decent neighborhood, but there were these moments that a child wouldn't understand. Verbal fights between parents. Restrictions, over-protecting. Which is also very common, every child goes through that. But I didn't just worry at these moments, I chose to escape reality, fall back into daydreaming where these real world problems couldn't get to me. Fancy that, I don't remember that much of my childhood as I do of all those daydreams I had at these times, all these characters and scenarios that took place in my head. Almost like sometimes I can't tell the real childhood apart from my daydreams and apart from actual dreams at night.
Oh yeah, daydreaming is not my only addiction. Once I realized back in childhood that the dreamworld at night could become the other platform of my imagination I started developing it. I started practicing seeing my dreams as clear as possible, being able to integrate my characters and scenarios into dreams. It took me no less than fifteen years (!), but now I am able to see dreams that correlate with my daydreaming. I guess if I had put that much effort in gaining any skill in real life, I'd have been the best in the world, but - here I am. Able to control dreams at night so that I don't need to fall out of my imaginary world when I close my eyes to sleep.
My whole life eventually has started going round my daydreaming. It's not like I daydream when I have spare time after work and real life, I work and lead real life in spare time from daydreaming. Basically I do anything in real life only when it hits me hard, and I do it only so that I can come back to my world. If I have a hobby, it's connected to daydreaming, like writing stories or playing computer games (that obviously might become my new playground for imagining things). Lord, my whole life is there, my hometown, my real job, my friends and lovers, my story that has been developing all these years. I was growing up in this world, I entered and graduated from the university there, I got my labor of love there, I married someone and I guess I was going to die there.
I always knew that was wrong. But I could never pull myself out of there into the real world that unfortunately turned out to be not enough for me. I figured I had a problem when it was too late. I'm no ambitious or energetic or interested in the real life. I'm depressed every time I need to stay up here for too long (a few hours?) Sometimes I do my best to wake up and change my real life, fall out of daydreaming but every time I run into a new challenge that requires way too much of my effort to succeed, I give up and go back to where I belong.
I'm twenty nine years old. I realize that if I don't stop soon I will never have the real life that is already half gone. I don't know if I can get any sort of help. I obviously can't get it in the country where I live because this diagnosis is not even acknowledged here, not mentioning having any confirmed method of therapy. But at least I know I'm not alone. I guess I always knew I wasn't but now I'm happy to know there's a full fledged community of people like me. I guess I could use some help.
I'm happy to be here. Thank you if you have read this so far.
- Sins
I guess it started when I was around four or five. Honestly I don't even remember me without this constant daydreaming. As if at some point in my childhood I realized that I could preserve all these visions in my head and manipulate them, could take moments from cartoons or movies and place them in "my world" or rather place me in their world. My parents believed I was just an imaginative kid. Little did they know of how much effort I put in every plot of a daydream. I never required a friend or a sibling in real life because I always had someone non-existent by my side. If nobody saw that, I could even talk to them quietly (I still do). Pretty common for kids, right? I guess it is, at least until it stays where it belongs - in childhood. But mine - mine stayed with me for a little longer.
I can't even say it started from any kind of PTSD. My parents were - and are - loving and caring people, I always lived in a decent neighborhood, but there were these moments that a child wouldn't understand. Verbal fights between parents. Restrictions, over-protecting. Which is also very common, every child goes through that. But I didn't just worry at these moments, I chose to escape reality, fall back into daydreaming where these real world problems couldn't get to me. Fancy that, I don't remember that much of my childhood as I do of all those daydreams I had at these times, all these characters and scenarios that took place in my head. Almost like sometimes I can't tell the real childhood apart from my daydreams and apart from actual dreams at night.
Oh yeah, daydreaming is not my only addiction. Once I realized back in childhood that the dreamworld at night could become the other platform of my imagination I started developing it. I started practicing seeing my dreams as clear as possible, being able to integrate my characters and scenarios into dreams. It took me no less than fifteen years (!), but now I am able to see dreams that correlate with my daydreaming. I guess if I had put that much effort in gaining any skill in real life, I'd have been the best in the world, but - here I am. Able to control dreams at night so that I don't need to fall out of my imaginary world when I close my eyes to sleep.
My whole life eventually has started going round my daydreaming. It's not like I daydream when I have spare time after work and real life, I work and lead real life in spare time from daydreaming. Basically I do anything in real life only when it hits me hard, and I do it only so that I can come back to my world. If I have a hobby, it's connected to daydreaming, like writing stories or playing computer games (that obviously might become my new playground for imagining things). Lord, my whole life is there, my hometown, my real job, my friends and lovers, my story that has been developing all these years. I was growing up in this world, I entered and graduated from the university there, I got my labor of love there, I married someone and I guess I was going to die there.
I always knew that was wrong. But I could never pull myself out of there into the real world that unfortunately turned out to be not enough for me. I figured I had a problem when it was too late. I'm no ambitious or energetic or interested in the real life. I'm depressed every time I need to stay up here for too long (a few hours?) Sometimes I do my best to wake up and change my real life, fall out of daydreaming but every time I run into a new challenge that requires way too much of my effort to succeed, I give up and go back to where I belong.
I'm twenty nine years old. I realize that if I don't stop soon I will never have the real life that is already half gone. I don't know if I can get any sort of help. I obviously can't get it in the country where I live because this diagnosis is not even acknowledged here, not mentioning having any confirmed method of therapy. But at least I know I'm not alone. I guess I always knew I wasn't but now I'm happy to know there's a full fledged community of people like me. I guess I could use some help.
I'm happy to be here. Thank you if you have read this so far.
- Sins