Post by EGV on Dec 11, 2019 16:46:48 GMT
I want to rant about it here because it's better than giving it away to someone in my head (and now I feel as if I'm doing something bad by not giving it to my imagined people instead. F this inner demon).
My most common daydream is educating someone, or some people, about something; an opinion I have, an epiphany I just had, or something useful I learned, etc.
Now I realise why I do it.
For four years, from when I was seven to 11-12, we lived with my father and saw mom on summer vacation and X-mas holidays. Mom has told me many years later that when my younger brother was about 7 she noticed we were both older than dad. That means I was mentally older than him from the moment we lived with him.
I had this tendency to do this "educating" thing to him, too. Because I was the oldest and only female (our home consisted of dad, me and little brother), so I was assigned the role of "mommy", of some sort.
I still do it in my head, and now that I examine what feelings are causing this behaviour, I get it: I'm anxious. I'm anxious that there are no adults around to rely on. Feeding words of wisdom etc to my dad was a way of keeping him above surface level so that he in turn could keep us above surface level. He did provide food and a room each for both of us, but when it comes to values I learned more from my two years older step sister - who only officially became my step sister when I was maybe 15. That's how much more of a role model she was for me than dad.
This is also why I've felt so infantile most of my adult life; I'm still that 7-12-year-old with no reliable adults around, trying my best to keep things together so I can stay in one piece. And when I start to emotionally care for myself instead, I actually feel my age! Because that means I'm not "there" anymore.
Okay, that was it. Thanks for reading!
My most common daydream is educating someone, or some people, about something; an opinion I have, an epiphany I just had, or something useful I learned, etc.
Now I realise why I do it.
For four years, from when I was seven to 11-12, we lived with my father and saw mom on summer vacation and X-mas holidays. Mom has told me many years later that when my younger brother was about 7 she noticed we were both older than dad. That means I was mentally older than him from the moment we lived with him.
I had this tendency to do this "educating" thing to him, too. Because I was the oldest and only female (our home consisted of dad, me and little brother), so I was assigned the role of "mommy", of some sort.
I still do it in my head, and now that I examine what feelings are causing this behaviour, I get it: I'm anxious. I'm anxious that there are no adults around to rely on. Feeding words of wisdom etc to my dad was a way of keeping him above surface level so that he in turn could keep us above surface level. He did provide food and a room each for both of us, but when it comes to values I learned more from my two years older step sister - who only officially became my step sister when I was maybe 15. That's how much more of a role model she was for me than dad.
This is also why I've felt so infantile most of my adult life; I'm still that 7-12-year-old with no reliable adults around, trying my best to keep things together so I can stay in one piece. And when I start to emotionally care for myself instead, I actually feel my age! Because that means I'm not "there" anymore.
Okay, that was it. Thanks for reading!
