Mixing my MD and depression

I was daydreaming about suicide and reactions to it since I was like 7 or 8. I definitely don't do it often anymore. I used to either exaggerate cruel uncaring reactions in my daydreams or very hurt and and self-blaming reactions. I would hardly think about realistic reactions, but I think the cruel ones were likely closer. Last year during my freshman college year I'll imagine suicide in front of a friend who would feel bad and shocked as I die in front of him. I think that was likely the most realistic reaction. Actually, even recently I was imagining the reactions of my professors should they find out I committed suicide. I have not done it too often recently, and sometimes I don't even think in my imagination it was suicide, it's just an unexplained death. I know that's because I know someone who actually is suicidal and it frightens me so bad that suicide does not accompany my mind often anymore. I know I'm not actually suicidal because I couldn't bring myself to do those things, but I can get destructive in my daydreams to express my painful feelings to myself (usually self destructive). I wasn't even scared of it until I started getting things in dreams mixed up with real life when I was half awake half asleep, and I realized I was talking in real life to dream voices. Then I started worrying about what if I did anything self-destructive in real life that my dream self would do, and my dream self is more likely to do something self destructive if I daydream about it a lot. Now I'm not daydreaming about suicide often, but you are not alone in having had daydreams about suicide while not wanting to actually do that.

I was once like that. I guess a year ago, or maybe two. It was similarly about stress due to school load, competition and not living up to people's expectations. Back then, my daydreams were largely vivid. I still remember one of them in which i'd leave the house and die in a fake car accident at night or maybe get killed by a burglar. Then there were others in which i always wished that the transportation back to school would go under some accident and i die in that. I always, every single day thought about the latter one. I wanted to run away from it that bad.
Well these are not the suicidal ones but some accident that i always wished would occur. Currently i don't have them.