Pseudo-Emotions/Emotional Transfer

I am told that I don't show much emotion when things happen to me that I should be happy about or when I am sad I don't cry maybe I seem to feel all my emotion on the inside and in my daydreams

I'm coming back to this topic after a month because I still do this (unsurprising, since I've been doing it for years) and I was just writing about it in my journal this morning.

The emotional transfer is something that I still wonder about on a frequent basis. I have a habit of denying my emotions in real life because of a variety of reasons. First, I believe that real life-me experiences emotions much more strongly than the average person because I have bipolar disorder. Transferring my real life emotions onto daydream-me is, I believe, a way to not only express them in perhaps a more healthy way, but also to blunt some of the intensity. Second, I have some medical problems that prevent me from expressing the emotions that I want and need to in real life without causing harm so myself. So again, transferring them to daydream-me gives me a way to express them without harming myself.


Some examples:

• Happiness: I don't often encounter things that make me truly joyful, but when I do, I usually start daydreaming. I believe that this is because my happiness often quickly turns into hypomania in real life, so by transferring the happiness that I feel onto daydream-me, I blunt the emotion while still being able to feel it, and the resulting depression is usually less bad (I almost always get a depressive episode after having a hypomanic one, like some sort of twisted rollercoaster, and the higher my hypomania goes, the worse the resulting depression gets).
• Anger: I have, or at least had, a really big anger problem. Maybe it's from some medication I'm on, maybe its just genetic. But the anger gets so intense that the only way for me to release it is to exercise. However, I get exercise-induced migraines very quickly and easily, so venting my anger through exercise isn't really an option. So by transferring my anger to daydream-me, I'm able to give it vent without harming myself so much in the process.
• Sadness/Depression/Grief: Again, because of my migraines, I'm unable to cry without giving myself a migraine, so transferring that sadness to daydream-me makes it so that I can experience the emotions without them being as intense for harmful as usual. I'm also terrified of apathy, I spent like 3 days in 2017 just staring at my wall before my mental health crisis "officially" started, and because of that, I any time I experience apathy to a great degree I feel very afraid. As I pace while I'm daydreaming, it's hard to stay in an apathetic state.

Does anyone else relate to this? If the "transferring real life emotions onto idealized daydream-self" thing isn't that common among maladaptive daydreamers, then I'll probably have to dig deeper to figure out why exactly my brain does this.

I see my real self in some of my DDs too, and yes I do the same thing with transferring emotions although mine tends to go both ways instead of just one. For example, if I'm feeling depressed my character (or me) may be in a depressing situation as well. But then there are other times when while feeling lonely I imagined myself being surrounded by friends and ended up feeling happier irl, like I'm deluding myself that I have friends when I don't. It felt like a strained sort of happiness, kind of a desperation to be happy when I was horribly , and it was like I induced my own artificial happiness to replace the real one. It wasn't the best thing in the world, but last month it got me by and made me more capable of doing things than I could have been other wise. It was also distracting too but hey, better than nothing at all. It sounds to me from what I read that you walking up and down the stairs is probably better than having a bad depressive episode after a manic one. I also have the same migraine/headache problem with exercise and I know it can be frustrating because that leaves you with less alternatives.

I think isolation probably brings out these sorts of things more, and like you said, texting isn't the same. But it's tough when there are other things preventing you from socializing, especially when the rest of the world doesn't understand what you go through.

I just read in an article that those who ruminate and try to figure out their mental illnesses tend to be better at overcoming the issues caused by them, so perhaps you are on the right path.

As for me, I try to keep a balance with indulging in my DDs because they help me in moments of desperation , but also making some effort to curb them so they don't get too out of control. That doesn't always go too well but it's good to try anyway.

Just throwing this out there, but CBD helps with anxiety and depression, and also headaches. That is something that is currently helping me. If you can find ways to manage your health problem you'll have more control over your DDs and be less distressed by them,and maybe have less of a need to do them in the first place. I know it's tough though, there's no easy fix.

Not just idealized selves, the emotional transference thing is true for characters too. There‘s a famous set of articles all about MD being the embodiment of blunted emotional content and being spiraled into an addiction that I linked on here somewhere. I found it immensely impressive that you and other MDers figured this out on your own. I had to find out by reading about it on the Internet because, before that, I simply thought my MD just meant my brain chemistry was just messed up.

But yeah, MDers are normal people (on an emotional level), just with misplaced basic emotions, therefore a misplaced perspective. It’s been a year since my own similar epiphany moment and I still MD, I.e. basically still on square one. Probably because the steps I’ve taken to quit haven’t been drastic enough and, as a result, I’m still a turtle hiding in my shell.

I’m trying a different tactic now: I’m focusing on my fantasy addiction and split-second impulse to engage in MD BEFORE dealing with my emotions, because I found it almost impossible to try to deal with my real feelings while still partially blinded by the “safety net” of my MD, the pseudo-emotions/courage and feelings of high it awakes in me, and my heightened irritability probably caused by withdrawal. Will probably result in yet another failure if I don’t strengthen my will.

Probably a long road ahead for all of us, but I wish y’all luck. One thing that keeps me going is that once I overcome MD, I know for a fact I won’t miss it.

I agree with you--sitting with your emotions is unpleasant and uncomfortable as hell. Especially if you're used to hiding from them by daydreaming (even if you transfer you're emotions to your daydreams, you're still technically hiding from experiencing them in real life). I've been practicing for months now and its still hard. I still end up falling into daydreams more times than not. 

But, for me at least, I think that its worth it. Being able to sit with my emotions does two things: it helps me actually deal with them in real life, which is where they need to be dealt with, and it gives me a sense of accomplishment because I did something that was really difficult and uncomfortable, but incredibly important. 

Insomnia sucks, too. I luckily don't get it very often anymore, but when I do it generally knocks me for a loop. I can't shut my brain down, so I can't sleep, which makes me anxious and angry, which makes my brain even more awake, and its even harder to fall asleep. Addressing any underlying issues for your insomnia(environment, routine, or health issues) is a good thing, but I've found that when I'm experiencing insomnia despite my best efforts and I start getting caught in the worry loop of "oh my god, I can't sleep, I'm never going to be able to sleep and then I won't be able to function," there's a... mantra of sorts, that helps. I found it in a headspace article months ago and it generally seems to help me calm down. If you notice your brain doing down into a worry loop, you say "Oh, you again. You're just my brain trying to trick me. But I recognize you, and that gives me the power to dismiss you and to tell myself that everything is going to be okay." I can't promise that it'll work for you, but I've found it to be pretty effective personally.

As for feeling like the world is against you, I think that its understandable that you think that way. From what you've written, I think that that was a feeling that you probably grew up with (and that its understandable that you grew up with it considering your environment) and as such, its very ingrained into your psyche. Beliefs that we gained when we were children are the hardest to change or let go of. MY words are kind of failing me right now, so please forgive me if this sounds... terrible or offensive. I understand that that is a feeling that you grew up with. But I don't think that its one that's still serving you well in your adulthood. A "me against the world" mentality, however accurate it may feel to you, isn't generally a good one. When you think that its just you against the world, you're more likely to reject help or support when its offered and to take the view that people aren't genuine in their kindness and compassion toward you. You're for all intents and purposes, setting yourself up for failure because even if it isn't accurate, you're expecting everyone and everything to be an obstacle in your path, instead of a potential source of help or a learning experience. I don't know, I'm not a psychologist so I'm not really qualified to talk about the intricacies of that stuff and feel free to completely disregard my advice. 

You mentioned in the chat that you were thinking about healing your inner child. I think that, for you, that path shows great promise. I've done a few exercises like that in the past, and I think that they really do help heal some of the hurt and pain in your heart. If you can, I would recommend talking with an actual therapist about it, since working with trauma is very emotionally taxing and is generally best done with professional help. 

I think that its important for you to understand that you are supported and appreciated. Even if its just by other people on this forum, that's still more than none. Feeling like its you against the world is a really hard thing to deal with, I know that from personal experience. But its not just you against the world. You have support, even if its not super obvious or easy for you to recognize (when you grow up feeling like no one supports you, it makes it that much harder for you to recognize support when you are given it in adulthood).

no, you are not the only one who experiences this.
But I may know why I repress pleasant emotions as well as negative ones: It was somehow "forbidden" in my household to express themselves in an exaggerated manner, was it crying, screaming as well as laughing, hugging and jumping.
when I was a child I was energetic and affectionate, and I wanted to show my affection as well as my pain. if I would cry in pain, my parent would scold me (and rarely beat me) no question asked. If I would loudly laugh or hug people, they (but mostly my mother) would prevent me because that is not how a girl behave. I get that they had their reasons, I'm not blaming their parenting, plus they had a worse childhood than mine, but I grow up that my emotions, and therefore myself, were wrong.

negative and positive emotions: all equally wrong. 

you said "I started using daydreaming as a conduit for all of the emotions that I should be feeling in real life, but for whatever reason I deny myself." I feel the same: my characters are free to feel, but also, in my case, they know how to behave to make my real life parents proud. I craft them to be "perfect": they don't behave like I would, they have some sort of prude balance when showing emotions, they could be considered examples of appropriate behavior, therefore they are extremely respected in their made-up society, everything goes well to them, their jobs, their relationships, their neighbors etc... that, coincidentally, is exactly what my parents where teaching me: you will be loved IF you "feel" and approach the world in a certain way, which, coincidentally, was never my way.
An example: my uncle liked to beat me, pinch me and create offensive nicknames to use in front of visitors and friends, he really loved that kind of fun. When I told my mother that I didn't like it, she said "these are manifestations of affection, don't take too much of it and don't spoil parties. Or else we will not go to the beach" (my uncle was the owner of the beach house and apparently the owner of all the beaches). But I wanted to go to the beach, I loved my uncle and I couldn't believe that he was a bad person and a bully, so... I had to be the wrong one

I think that some of my MDD simply represent a way to make a catharsis of my failed attempt to fit into society, they could go under the topic "how I should have been" 

dear Sam, you are so well spoken! your words are kind and sweet! And you are so right!!! thank you! I was about to forgot that I'm here to understand my problems and to heal, and not to recriminate