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Post by fellowmder on Nov 7, 2019 8:53:43 GMT
People, i am boosted up by Serenity and want to put up my own notebook(once again) on the forum. This time i cannot held back really. You guys have tried doing things to control your bad habits and madd. I am going to do the same. If anyone of you have read my threads before, you must have realised i am more of suffering from the bad habits that i acquired as a daydreamer. I have added one to that as well that subsides my daydreaming but makes me fell more and more guilty about the way i am living my life - masturbating. i actually don't feel like much talking about that to anyone but it is just something that does delay my work or makes me too lazy to work overnight. It is just another escape root that i found for myself, with watching dramas, movies, eating and daydreaming following it up. I need to be accountable and more responsible and work in the gears that others are now racing in. So, here i will write every day about what all i want to accomplish first thing in the morning and give updates as to whether i were able to instill something different in my life and push back my habits a bit farther away. Some things might not be understandable or might be just me ranting about my problems but please bear with me. Todays task is to gauge sizes of three rooms and put it down on paper Complete fully describing my sectional essay and introduction Do some InDesign for half an hour Reach college tomorrow by 7
I know it is too much but i have to do it. This will also work as my other to do list and then i will finally write as to whether i achieved anything or not. I hope I can motivate myself and others through this Thankyou for reading
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Post by fellowmder on Nov 23, 2019 16:18:31 GMT
I admit i am very irregular in putting up the posts. It was a bit hectic but i guess i could always find time. I sincerely apologize Now to the past and present and past going on for me. Okk there was this group selection for model making. I thought that the people who said they'll take me in the group won't go back with their words. But unexpectedly they did. I don't put the blame on them as i was not getting anything good with my skill. This is where my realization continuously clashed with the life i had daydreamt. I felt some sort of ego breaking up as no one cared to pick me. The ideal me was no way this real self. It just was frustrating at the end with the other two girls when everyone was looking at me with those pitiful eyes. At that moment i realized i never liked pity in my real life. I was stripped of everything when i saw those eyes. It was hard to control. Currently i am complaining, like always complaining about the project and the group i have got. I just suddenly felt frustrated of myself because of doing that. I don't know, everything seems soond boggling that i just want to cuddle and cry. I know depressing but thanks for reading.
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Post by dragontooth00 on Dec 4, 2019 6:57:53 GMT
I admit i am very irregular in putting up the posts. It was a bit hectic but i guess i could always find time. I sincerely apologize Now to the past and present and past going on for me. Okk there was this group selection for model making. I thought that the people who said they'll take me in the group won't go back with their words. But unexpectedly they did. I don't put the blame on them as i was not getting anything good with my skill. This is where my realization continuously clashed with the life i had daydreamt. I felt some sort of ego breaking up as no one cared to pick me. The ideal me was no way this real self. It just was frustrating at the end with the other two girls when everyone was looking at me with those pitiful eyes. At that moment i realized i never liked pity in my real life. I was stripped of everything when i saw those eyes. It was hard to control. Currently i am complaining, like always complaining about the project and the group i have got. I just suddenly felt frustrated of myself because of doing that. I don't know, everything seems soond boggling that i just want to cuddle and cry. I know depressing but thanks for reading. Sounds like things have been pretty hard for you. ;-; but I know you’ll get if figured out. Don’t be too hard on yourself, make sure you take the time to treat yourself, because you’re worth it Queen, and don’t give up on yourself! You’re doing an amazing job, and I know it can’t be easy to go through this cold turkey stuff. Just keep being authentic, wonderful, and determined! I believe in you!
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Post by serenity on Dec 4, 2019 19:47:30 GMT
As do I. Keep at it. And don't be disappointed or anxious in view of what you can't change. Take up something else. I find cooking really helps me stay focused. You got prep, cooking, the eating bit. But then the memory of something real, tangible, you did well. Hope and belief in you, in spades here! Keep going! S
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Post by granger on Dec 5, 2019 13:22:00 GMT
Have you talked to a doctor about possibly having a mood disorder? I can't remember if you've mentioned that before. Thanks for the reply. I thought about that a year before, maybe i have a mood disorder. But to be frank, i, as a daydreamer have tried putting myself as a character with various mental disorders. This makes me question, as i wrote in the post, that probably i don't suffer from anything in reality. Just in order to escape from work and responsibilities, i am making things up. I am a person who would love if someone would just pity her. My daydreams have been like that. And probably i am instilling that in my real world as well, through the means of just making confusing emotions inside my head so that i don't have to face reality. Probably that is the case. I don't think I have any mental disorder ( sometimes I wonder if i even have Maladaptive daydreaming or just another thing to escape from reality and get pity out of the people who read my posts) What do you think? You are so strong to have written this. I do the same. I am ashamed of it and yes this is why i denied having md for a long time. I neither stick to a work undertaken nor to a person and thatswhy i end up alone. I can never bring the courage to talk about my problems to real people and internet gives a degree of anonymity so its better. Anyways good luck.
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Post by fellowmder on Dec 5, 2019 15:35:56 GMT
Thankyou guys for keeping my hopes up. My week long final exams just ended. They were nothing like exams really though. I always had this free time afterwards which made me so mad. Usually college tasks would occupy my entire day do i never thought how i would utilize my free time or better say how i can actually define myself with the college left behind. All these years with madd i have realized that i have lost myself and a sort of tangible identity i held through my hobbies. And it seems they are really hard to acquire back. For instance yesterday, during that free time i was trying to start painting back again. that was something i loved the most to mess with. But you know, i didn't feel like even picking up the brush. It wasn't laziness which kept me behind but the loss of some sort of practice over these three years and the loss of confidence that came along with it. In these three years with md i had lost contact with everything and rather acquired a sort of imaginative creativity that was a bliss and pain. Even today i continue to have these vivid ideas but the thought of puttibg them down on paper is such a far existence to me. They'll make me every second realize how bad i really am versus the other me that i always daydream about. The gap is apparent but i don't want to accept it. From today midnight I'll be joining this study excursion, going with the classmates. There will be a lot to look forward to but i wonder of my past will just repeat. This trip will then become my first breaking point since the start of the college. Working in groups, expressing myself- the insecurity that accompanies all of this is not something only i feel but somehow somewhere i wonder whether this will be the last time that there will still be that half sain me during the mornings. I just don't want to return to that grim past of mine. Thank you for reading
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Post by fellowmder on Dec 18, 2019 8:55:53 GMT
Sorry for the very very late reply. I know it's my job. I am a true procrastinator. The problem was the loss of internet back at the place where i was having my study trip. Well i had almost planned not to write today as well but i am writing. About the trip, well i wasn't able to draw out a lovable topic/story to work on. Before coming back to college i had taken something like an oath to not be intimidated by others work, do my best as it is the end of the semester and be less lazy so i dont regret all of this at the end. Maybe it is not the best topic i am working but I'll represent my final work the way i want to. About the daydreams, i genuinely want to make some changes about it. I'll stick to time logging(mostly not done). The thing that fears me is falling back to daydreaming after this long stress free week with no one setting up deadlines for me. Let's see what i do about it. Thanks for reading.
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Post by fellowmder on Jan 4, 2020 4:36:13 GMT
Giving a late reply Sorry for that So my semester ended recently and for the last submission i gave my all. I just did what i wanted to do, had fun with my work. Even stress didn't break me down. You could say it was a good week. My results came and i was highly disappointed. I know i didn't gave my all. If i look back then there were times that under stress of looking at the awesomeness of other's work i would fall under this deep hole. My mind would stop and i would take an entire day off from college just continuously daydreaming. I know such days added up to make up this result. I passed the sem though. The one thing that i really cannot believe is even after observing me and my results after the high school, my parents still think that i score great. They still expect a lot from me. I can't blame them though cause i myself expect a lot from myself and my future. Every time i draw a conviction to not be intimidated by others, i break. I try giving my all but it is just nought. Guys if you have any idea of how to work smarter please post. My next semester will start day after tomorrow. This time, from now onwards i am going cold turkey with cutting down on my triggers. I'll rather be sketching out whatever i daydream. I have also started listening to this video which chants positive affirmations every morning. Yesterday i failed keeping myself away from daydreams. Today ill try more. Thanks for reading.
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Post by audrey11 on Jan 4, 2020 15:01:47 GMT
I am just sort of today. It is rather like feeling too small in front of everyone. I don't know how to express this but it's like turns of mood swings where i suddenly feel like crying, not talking to people and then just do something stupid. Then it's like things are fine. I don't know how much of this i am making up and how much of it is just the real thing i am feeling. I feel like banging my head and then it's alright, i can go through the day. Do you know what this might be? Have you talked to a doctor about possibly having a mood disorder? I can't remember if you've mentioned that before.
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Post by audrey11 on Jan 4, 2020 15:24:36 GMT
Have you talked to a doctor about possibly having a mood disorder? I can't remember if you've mentioned that before. (Sorry, I totally don’t get how to post and quote and all that) I was wondering the same as Sam. dragontooth also mentioned specifically bipolar. When I read your post I completely 100% identified with the emotions you described (happy, feeling like you want to bang your head, ok again) This sounds exactly like a bipolar mixed episode. MD is a way I escape from those feelings. It’s very unhealthy but I create characters with mental health issues, both bipolar and other illnesses I don’t personally have. They are ill, they have characters who understand them and help them. Not pity. Just mature friendship that accepts the behavior, emotions, all the negatives that mental illness brings with it. In my dd I feel understood in a world with so much stigma and secrecy. I’d definitely see someone about the possibility of having bipolar. . You can at least rule it out if nothing comes of it.
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Post by audrey11 on Jan 4, 2020 15:50:04 GMT
Me again. Ok, go back and look at Nov 13&14. What you’re describing is spot on with what I experience. I feel very happy, almost “on top of the world”. It triggers daydreams of success, beauty, amazing perfect days for my characters are all happening (In my own personal life I have increased self esteem and confidence. Sometimes I even justify dd because it’s, well, positive stuff). The very next day I can crash and literally feel fine then feel like “banging my head” then feel fine again. I don’t want to be an alarmist or throw a label at you and especially don’t want to diagnose. It’s just that you asked if anyone experiences this and I do. To a T. If you read up on bipolar (probably bipolar II because you don’t seem to have psychosis...that’s bipolar I) you’ll see these symptoms described as “hypomanic state” and “mixed episode”. Like I said before, bipolar moods trigger my MD. When my bipolar is being managed my MD is much easier to control. Deep breaths, I know you have a lot going on so just think on this until you have time to really decide what you want to do. I’m also here to answer any questions and for support if you want it.
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Post by fellowmder on Jan 29, 2020 14:43:19 GMT
way too late answering my own thread. There are no excuses except me being lazy and being a huge procrastinator. a fight with my friend is making me write today. so, well what should I say, life is like a roller coaster. I don't want to cry or anything right now but i pretty much don't like anything, good or bad. First thing, I am writing in my class. god knows but it always seems like i am craving for pity. just writing that. I am laughing at a point and at the other. ill start from the beginning. (i have forgotten about structured writing right now really) so, I had a good start with my studios. it was great learning and be included in my work. I mean there are loads of good people in the class. but i continue learning from them. i want to continue learning from them rather than be intimidated by them. but there is this one problem that i am not really able to pinpoint. whenever things come to me, making me realize that my skills are seemingly nothing to complete that work, i tend to give up easily. i go into that constant swirl of daydreaming. i have started back again with those "terminal" illnesses daydreams, suicidal, mental disorders daydreams. I mean it must be first such studio week when i leave before midnight. i go off with this urgent wish to daydream. one thing, it irritates me if i am not good at anything. it drives me pretty crazy inside. and then whenever something good happens i don't feel quite that way. i feel like ill hit a wall pretty soon or what people are saying about me is totally wrong. i am not judging them but i just know that i am no good. sometimes i also feel like i am being overly confident about things- i am not truly good but just daydreaming that. i am basically alway at the edge. writing this is mentally exhausting me. sorry i am not completing the write up. ill soon do. thanks for reading.
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Post by Sam on Jan 30, 2020 4:24:17 GMT
I can't remember if you're in college or not, but is it possible that you're just not studying/taking classes for something that really interests you? Having an interest in the subject matter can provide some motivation to get past not being good at it at first, so if you're not interested in what you're studying, its way harder to deal with not being good at it/not understanding it. Like, if you're really interested in drawing, but you aren't very good at it yet, you're more likely to continue trying because its something that interests you and you really want to be "good" at it (what constitutes as "good" is subjective, here). Conversely, if you're not very interested in English literature, and you just don't understand what is being taught, you're less likely to try harder to understand it because you, in a nutshell, just don't give a shit about it.
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Post by fellowmder on Jan 31, 2020 3:52:16 GMT
thanks Sam. The thing is i am interested in my work a lot. i mean when we have discussions, i am boosted up to do this and that and learn new different things. but you know every subject has a lot of process behind it and if you are even a step late, it will affect the other steps further. and as i procrastinate a lot, plus these daydreams about this perfect character of mine that i stop being practical with my work and leave it off. i want to do something about this procrastination. i'll consider keeping a calendar/checklist/to do list every day from now on. even yesterday when i thought of staying back in uni for work i cam back by 3 am. plus, i didn't work after coming home. this pattern of not working extra when needed is not something i am liking. cause i get aggravated at the thought of not doing what i was supposed to. eg. today morning when i woke up i really felt now i cannot attend the morning class. that i have to prepare for the next one. that made me even bunk for my first class and this is not happening for the firrst time. moreover, since a few nights i have observed myself daydreaming myself off to sleep. this is getting insane for me now. thanks for reading
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Post by fellowmder on Feb 14, 2020 3:15:19 GMT
so, now since an entire week I haven't provided myself much opportunities to daydream. the entire week was seemingly both physically and mentally exhausting where I end up doing night outs. but it is after a long time that i crave to daydream. I cannot daydream without others noticing about it. so, everytime i go to washroom i would sit there for like 2-3 min and daydream. i know it is stupid but i have been daydreaming like that only even back home so that my oparents don't find me much weird. but this week, as i wrote earlier does make me take a nap during class just to daydream and immerse in that world where everything is a bit perfect. This week i also ended up having a few nightmares and wishing that i could talk more openly to my family and meet them. it is different this time. it is exhausting in some senses for me but nice in certain ways as well. and i have also started probing on what i could do to change my habits- starting to read a book if not anything. in all, roller coaster ride again, or maybe a horse ride i would say. thanks for being there with me. i appreciate all of your support a lot. thanks for reading
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Post by fellowmder on Feb 16, 2020 6:27:10 GMT
This post has nothing to do with madd but more on how I just want to escape reality and realize how shitty my thoughts can be. So, I have been having this group activity since two weeks now. I thought I will do better than others which are part of my group and atleast not make silly mistakes. Today I found out that all the things that I did for my part were the wrong ones over which others built their part. In short because of my mistake all can actually fail the assignment whose submission is tomorrow. I have not a single idea how to correct it. And I literally had that i was the best amongst my group members. It feels shitty for a moment but I am here glorifying that as well. I daydreamt as to how I'll tell my professor about it and that he'll, let's just say think highly of me to turn up and say that. Bla...bla...bla. my thoughts can't be more worse than this, can they be? I'm feeling so guilty that I can't do my work at all. Well, nnow after opening up it might help me working. Thanks for reading
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