|
Day One
Oct 26, 2019 18:50:19 GMT
via mobile
Post by serenity on Oct 26, 2019 18:50:19 GMT
Hey all. I'm trying to stay outside of my head, today. It's been one whole day, without MDD. It's tough. I've found myself consciously 'No!' when I've felt myself withdrawing. I'm very panicky, admittedly. Thoughts such as 'who am I?' without my MDD self. Given the time I've been experiencing MDD, another anxiety relates to leaving behind the volume of 'experiences' I've had. Despite never having had them. Another part is the (false) feeling of abandoning 'people' who've been with me for years. I'll admit, there is a lot of internal conflict. But, in pushing through. I think a glass of red and 'The Man From Earth' (my comfort food movie), then an early night. Just worried about actually going to bed, as that's where I tend to immerse myself deepest, as a means of dropping off. Oh well. Good this far. If you are reading this, thoughts would be welcome. I guess just keeping a diary here will serve to keep ne on a straight line. Be well, all.
|
|
|
Post by katie on Oct 26, 2019 22:43:00 GMT
Hey all. I'm trying to stay outside of my head, today. It's been one whole day, without MDD. It's tough. I've found myself consciously thinking 'No!' when I've felt myself withdrawing. I'm very panicky, admittedly. Thoughts such as 'who am I?' without my MDD self. Given the time I've been experiencing MDD, another anxiety relates to leaving behind the volume of 'experiences' I've had. Despite never having had them. Another part is the (false) feeling of abandoning 'people' who've been with me for years. I'll admit, there is a lot of internal conflict. But, in pushing through. I think a glass of red and 'The Man From Earth' (my comfort food movie), then an early night. Just worried about actually going to bed, as that's where I tend to immerse myself deepest, as a means of dropping off. Oh well. Good this far. If you are reading this, thoughts would be welcome. I guess just keeping a diary here will serve to keep ne on a straight line. Be well, all. Well done :) its hard to keep going during the day without daydreaming and dealing with all your taughts about things as well. Writing down how you are getting on and what worked for you during the day will help when you have a bad day try not to over think that you need to stop as the urge to daydream will be so hard on you. Its normal for everyone to have their taughts at the front of their mind t night I realised this and my brother just said welcome to the real world when I said it to him. Lol. Keep this thread for yourself to come back to and let us know if you have a good day or a bad day with your madd we are all here for you. I find having a journal and doing some meditation at night helps me when if feel the urge is at its greatest. See what works for you and take care.
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Oct 27, 2019 20:33:04 GMT
Day two. It's weird. I feel better, but I have this nagging feeling that there's something I should be doing. I've felt my triggers, really noticed them. Music, stimuli from TV. It really is amazing,that in trying to stop I feel the pressure to MDD acutely. A few times, like yesterday, I've felt the pull, the conditioned response to submerge. I've actually said 'no' out loud a few times. The worst part is that everything feels muted, less dramatic. That I'm just a regular guy, not any of the things I've been in my MDD. Depriving myself of my inner world is triggering my anxiety, but I guess there was always gonna be a price to pay. That being said, I've gotten a bunch done today. Chores and such. Taking pride in having done them, and being 'present' whilst doing so. Never thought housework would be a victory, but I guess you take the win where you can. If anyone is reading this, I hope it illustrates that one can, with effort, redefine their relationship with the imagination. I know it's early, only two days. But I have hope, and that'll (hopefully) get me through tomorrow. I'll check in tomorrow.
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Oct 28, 2019 18:49:27 GMT
Day three. I'm still holding in there. It's difficult, and my anxiety is noticeably spiking. My manager pulled me aside today, to check if I'm alright. I opened up. Not entirely, I was deliberately vague about the details, instead talking of 'zoning out'. He was really supportive. It's truly frightening, to me, to realise just how much my MDD has been affecting me over the years. Three days I've not submerged, and I've started to see myself, as I was. Itching to escape into fantasy. I'd always found it so comforting, but now I feel its something around my neck, so to speak. Something to remove. What served for years as a comfort to me, something to boost my confidence, was really preventing me from living my life. The hardest thing I'm finding is to acknowledge that I can never go back. In the same sense that an alcoholic can't have even one drink, I'll not be able to submerge, lest I undo everything I've accomplished this far. Its tough. It really is hard, but I have this (non MDD) image in my head of whar I may be, fully recovered. I'll keep at it, and hopefully put this to rest once and for all. If anyone is reading this, thank you. Its amazing to have a safe place to recount this journey.
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Oct 29, 2019 20:39:03 GMT
Day four. A struggle today. Adversity seems to increase my need to daydream. Issues with housemate. But soldiering on. Caught myself before I could start. Have spent last hour on laptop, fighting with first paragraph of the novel I've been meaning to write. I'm definitely rusty, but hoping to refine later. I'm hoping quitting MDD is like quitting smoking. As in, there's a period where the cravings subside. Here's aiming for that. I managed to do some good work today, at work. This surprised me, greatly. I found myself really focusing on the tasks to hand. Maybe there's something to this 'real life' after all. Anyway. The hated laptop awaits. Hope you all are well and shiny. S
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Oct 30, 2019 18:43:43 GMT
Day 5. I had a truly strange experience today. I was sat in a training session and noticed my arms and legs. Please don't think I've gone peculiar. I'm fully aware I possess arms and legs š But I actually noticed them. Most of my life I've listened out for bullet points, and recounted them to appear present. Or nodded at seemingly appropriate times. The rest I'd be immersed in my minds eye. It was odd, being fully present, especially in a circumstance whereby I'd usually drift off, and be aware of myself. I've done some good work today too. I really believe deciding to stop MDD is the best decision I've ever made . I feel the 'call' of my imagination. Its not stopped or decreased, but I'm able to resist like never before. The odd thing is that I used to eagerly, anxiously even, wait for times when I could mdd. Now, I'm enjoying embracing real life. I know it's early days, and I'm nowhere near over it-probably never will be. My anxiety, social and otherwise has gone to warp 11,but I'm grasping the idea that it will pass one day.
I managed to write a rough draft of half a chapter last night. I'm REALLY rusty. But it was so empowering to be creating a fictional world outside of myself. Crafting language. The protagonist isn't from my MDD. Neither is the world. Just an idea I've had in my head for years. I intend to persevere and finish it, one day. Even if it's shite, at least I'll have the manuscript in my hands. For me. Right. I'm cooking for my aforementioned dear friend and her daughter tonight. Manchurian chicken. Good to be occupied. Good luck all and, if anyone is reading this, thank you.
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Oct 31, 2019 21:34:00 GMT
Day 6.Really tough today. Its as if the part of me that wants to MDD knows it is running out of air, and is struggling to reassert. It's all me, I know. I've had to stop listening to certain bands dover the last few days. Rock in general, really. Friends are concerned thst a six three guy with a Black Sabbath tattoo is listening to Roxette and 70s cheesy disco. But, they're triggers so no go. I signed for the online treatment plan earlier. That felt good. Loads of questions. Leave day tomorrow, so relaxing with beer and xbox. Hope you're all doing well out there? S
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Nov 1, 2019 18:28:53 GMT
Day 7. Very rough day. Haven't given in though. On a trip to Manchester UK. Work award ceremony. Realised how lonely a hotel room is when your outside your own head. As for the do itself, in an hour, dreading. Usually I'd fake interest, smile etc, as what they say rarely interests. Not in a conceited way, its just their conversation, their jokes, not interesting. And not less interesting than my MDD worlds. Just, really dull. I think MDD desensutizes you to everyone. I'm a week in, and more awake than I've been in decades,but finding myself uninterested. There is an age gap with most of them and those similar to my age seem intent on mimicking the yahoo, drinking-culture behaviour. I knew I should have picked a different week to stop sniffing glue (Google it, if you're worried, it'll make sense)!. May post another day seven later, after the do. Can anyone else relate though? That they have difficulty being interested in mainstream culture and conversation? Good luck everyone, and best wishes. S
|
|
|
Day One
Nov 1, 2019 19:34:00 GMT
via mobile
katie likes this
Post by dragontooth00 on Nov 1, 2019 19:34:00 GMT
Day 7. Very rough day. Haven't given in though. On a trip to Manchester UK. Work award ceremony. Realised how lonely a hotel room is when your outside your own head. As for the do itself, in an hour, dreading. Usually I'd fake interest, smile etc, as what they say rarely interests. Not in a conceited way, its just their conversation, their jokes, not interesting. And not less interesting than my MDD worlds. Just, really dull. I think MDD desensutizes you to everyone. I'm a week in, and more awake than I've been in decades,but finding myself uninterested. There is an age gap with most of them and those similar to my age seem intent on mimicking the yahoo, drinking-culture behaviour. I knew I should have picked a different week to stop sniffing glue (Google it, if you're worried, it'll make sense)!. May post another day seven later, after the do. Can anyone else relate though? That they have difficulty being interested in mainstream culture and conversation? Good luck everyone, and best wishes. S Oh for sure. Iāve never been interested in alcohol or drugs, and my idea of a party is 4+ people getting together to chip in for pizza and play video games like Jackbox or Mario Party. Itās always awkward to be in a room with people I donāt know too. Ironically enough tho, Iām more comfortable when thereās an age gap Bc then I donāt feel like I have to communicate with the other people . Youāve been doing really good so far!! I hope you keep it up! :3
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Nov 2, 2019 22:04:59 GMT
Day 8. So. Quitting MDD and a free bar not a agood mix. Ended the night sobbing to a friend in my hotel room. Really grim. How much was alcohol, and how much was a release after a week of no immersing, I don't know. But feel better today. I am never going back. Its the hardest thing I've ever done, but is worth it. Even when , and a mess, at least it is real. Maybe I can get used to it. In other news, cooked Mongolian beef tonight. Check out souped up recipes on YouTube. Brilliant lass showing how to cook Chinese food. I recommend cooking as a distraction/therapy. Requires concentration, and is truly rewarding. Hope you're all ok out there? S
|
|
|
Post by Sam on Nov 2, 2019 22:37:09 GMT
Day 8. So. Quitting MDD and a free bar not a agood mix. Ended the night sobbing to a friend in my hotel room. Really grim. How much was alcohol, and how much was a release after a week of no immersing, I don't know. But feel better today. I am never going back. Its the hardest thing I've ever done, but is worth it. Even when sad, and a mess, at least it is real. Maybe I can get used to it. In other news, cooked Mongolian beef tonight. Check out souped up recipes on YouTube. Brilliant lass showing how to cook Chinese food. I recommend cooking as a distraction/therapy. Requires concentration, and is truly rewarding. Hope you're all ok out there? S I know that crying usually feels not great, but it could be good in this case because it should help you release some of the emotions that you would probably usually release through daydreaming and some of the emotions built up from a week of not daydreaming.
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Nov 3, 2019 21:12:51 GMT
Day 9. Still no MDD. Its weird. Keep having this recurring thought. 'What do' normal' people think about? '. I've spent decades in my own head. Every walk to work, or going shopping was on autopilot. Now I find myself with nothing to think about, but am trying to plot my novel in my head. more about dialogue than the adventurous parts. It's like MDD but, for me, I was always central to the world I was in. Using different avatars. This is totally about trying to realise a character. I think it's helping. Although for a few days I've had this feeling of dread hanging over me. I figure it's because my Dopamine levels are dropping. Imagine it's similar to what would happen if I quit coffee. Another part is the realisation that I have a rather serious mental health issue. Recognising my MDD as such has, frankly, scared me to death. And now I've stopped, I feel more exposed and vulnerable than I have in a while. Luckily, I have a couple of awesome people watching over me. I will beat this. I think I just need to keep focused. Part of me is considering professional help, too. I work in health care, and have access to an excellent medical package. I guess I'm not there though, yet. I mean, having a close friend know is amazing. As is this forum. I know some folks read this blog, and I'm taking strength from being able to speak freely, but with anonymity. Sitting down with a stranger and describing all of this, especially a qualified one terrifies. Still, I wouldn't have thought nine days ago I'd be none days free of MDD. Time will invariably tell all. Until then, I hope all of you are doing well. And I hope this blog gives some form of comfort or support. The wonderful people who created DDIB have seen that we aren't alone in this. Be safe x S
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Nov 4, 2019 20:58:30 GMT
Day 10. Really been ten days. Longest ever. I think my mindset is, first time ever, in the right place. A lot of it down to this forum. Keeping me on track. I keep , I hope without presuming, that folks are taking some small comfort from this. Seeing me go this long and sticking at it. Figure if I slip, would let folks down. Don't get me wrong, doing this for myself because it needs attending, but believing that you out there are rooting for me gives me an extra reason to press on. And press on I will. I've decided, I'm gonna buy myself a thirty day chip, when I get there. Symbolic. Its the hardest thing ever, but I cannot stress how much it is worth it. Keep safe, all of you. S
|
|
|
Post by katie on Nov 4, 2019 21:06:13 GMT
Day 10. Really been ten days. Longest ever. I think my mindset is, first time ever, in the right place. A lot of it down to this forum. Keeping me on track. I keep thinking, I hope without presuming, that folks are taking some small comfort from this. Seeing me go this long and sticking at it. Figure if I slip, would let folks down. Don't get me wrong, doing this for myself because it needs attending, but believing that you out there are rooting for me gives me an extra reason to press on. And press on I will. I've decided, I'm gonna buy myself a thirty day chip, when I get there. Symbolic. Its the hardest thing ever, but I cannot stress how much it is worth it. Keep safe, all of you. Goodnight S Wow well done day 10 you are doing great and no would never disappoint us if you slipped a little but you are proving to us that we can do this when we can put our mind to it but think we have to be in a place to do so. The chip is a great idea love it. Says you can tell how much its worth it already. :)
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Nov 4, 2019 21:21:00 GMT
Day 10. Really been ten days. Longest ever. I think my mindset is, first time ever, in the right place. A lot of it down to this forum. Keeping me on track. I keep , I hope without presuming, that folks are taking some small comfort from this. Seeing me go this long and sticking at it. Figure if I slip, would let folks down. Don't get me wrong, doing this for myself because it needs attending, but believing that you out there are rooting for me gives me an extra reason to press on. And press on I will. I've decided, I'm gonna buy myself a thirty day chip, when I get there. Symbolic. Its the hardest thing ever, but I cannot stress how much it is worth it. Keep safe, all of you. S well done day 10 you are doing great and no would never disappoint us if you slipped a little but you are proving to us that we can do this when we can put our mind to it but think we have to be in a place to do so. The chip is a great idea love it. Says you can tell how much its worth it already. Ā Ā Thanks, again, for kind words. I'm kinda pleased with myself. I know I'm nowhere near out, or cured or whatever, but I'm guessing the struggle is part of the cure. Really nice to know folks are supporting me. Literally, I've mdd'd longer than I can remember. But stopping feels so good. Thank you
|
|