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Day One
Oct 26, 2019 18:50:19 GMT
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Post by serenity on Oct 26, 2019 18:50:19 GMT
Hey all. I'm trying to stay outside of my head, today. It's been one whole day, without MDD. It's tough. I've found myself consciously 'No!' when I've felt myself withdrawing. I'm very panicky, admittedly. Thoughts such as 'who am I?' without my MDD self. Given the time I've been experiencing MDD, another anxiety relates to leaving behind the volume of 'experiences' I've had. Despite never having had them. Another part is the (false) feeling of abandoning 'people' who've been with me for years. I'll admit, there is a lot of internal conflict. But, in pushing through. I think a glass of red and 'The Man From Earth' (my comfort food movie), then an early night. Just worried about actually going to bed, as that's where I tend to immerse myself deepest, as a means of dropping off. Oh well. Good this far. If you are reading this, thoughts would be welcome. I guess just keeping a diary here will serve to keep ne on a straight line. Be well, all.
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Post by serenity on Nov 11, 2019 21:48:22 GMT
Day 16 and 17. Still going. Odd thing is, been having really vivid dreams. And nothing symbolic. I've always had vivid dreams, but since I've stopped MDDing, is like my imagination is pooling it's resources for dreams. I'll take this as a win, though. The dreams are enjoyable, and I have no control over it, so won't count it as 'slipping'.Its still difficult. My triggers are still around me, and I find the urge to MDD is pulling at me. But I'm not giving in. I've achieved so much, relatively, since stopping. It's an addiction, one I've had since childhood. But I know I can never go back. I hope this doesn't across as negative. Giving up is the hardest yet best thing I've done in so long. Still in it, still loving being free of it. Keep safe out there x S My dreams get more vivid if I don't daydream, too. It's really strange, isn't it? Keep going serenity! :-) Thanks Bee. I do love dreaming, it's the MDD that needs to stop. Is stopping. It's strange, but I'm looking forward to going to bed these days. Not to lie and disappear in my own head, but to see what my brain conjours on its own. I've started listening to a guy, Michael Seeley, on YouTube. Guided meditation. The astral projection side is, to me, twaddle. But the mindfulness and meditation is really an excellent substitute for MDD. Oddly, in enjoying the lack of fantastical stimulation. Feeling my breath, my weight on the bed. It's tangible, if that makes sense? Real. Anyhow, thanks for your support. Truly. S
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Post by dragontooth00 on Nov 12, 2019 1:43:00 GMT
My dreams get more vivid if I don't daydream, too. It's really strange, isn't it? Keep going serenity! :-) Thanks Bee. I do love dreaming, it's the MDD that needs to stop. Is stopping. It's strange, but I'm looking forward to going to bed these days. Not to lie and disappear in my own head, but to see what my brain conjours on its own. I've started listening to a guy, Michael Seeley, on YouTube. Guided meditation. The astral projection side is, to me, twaddle. But the mindfulness and meditation is really an excellent substitute for MDD. Oddly, in enjoying the lack of fantastical stimulation. Feeling my breath, my weight on the bed. It's tangible, if that makes sense? Real. Anyhow, thanks for your support. Truly. S Omg Micheal is so great to meditate too! Jason Stevenson is really great too. I love his positive affirmation meditations that help you get to sleep.
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Day One
Nov 12, 2019 5:57:40 GMT
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Post by fellowmder on Nov 12, 2019 5:57:40 GMT
My dreams get more vivid if I don't daydream, too. It's really strange, isn't it? Keep going serenity! :-) Thanks Bee. I do love dreaming, it's the MDD that needs to stop. Is stopping. It's strange, but I'm looking forward to going to bed these days. Not to lie and disappear in my own head, but to see what my brain conjours on its own. I've started listening to a guy, Michael Seeley, on YouTube. Guided meditation. The astral projection side is, to me, twaddle. But the mindfulness and meditation is really an excellent substitute for MDD. Oddly, in enjoying the lack of fantastical stimulation. Feeling my breath, my weight on the bed. It's tangible, if that makes sense? Real. Anyhow, thanks for your support. Truly. S Thanks for suggestion guys. Would be really helpful to get a good sleep now. I'll surely try this. Thanks for sharing
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Post by serenity on Nov 12, 2019 21:05:58 GMT
Day 18. Still going. Back in gym today. 10k run. And totally knackered 🤣 All I really want to say today is that I'm so glad Ive stopped. Its bloody hard going. I find myself constantly feeling the urge to just let go, go back to where I was. To live as those versions of me. It's an addiction. I've never seen it more clearly, and the more the urge is on me, the more I'm determined to never go back. I'm still having trouble working out what to think about, so I've started preemptive study for my degree. I'm researching what my course will contain and reading the key principles. Walking home, I try to recall what I've read. Bloody frustrating it is. But at least it's real. I'm new at stopping, and not an expert or a jedi or anything. But I will say to all of you. It's harder out here, but it's worth it. Really. Keep happy all of you. S
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Post by katie on Nov 12, 2019 23:29:34 GMT
Day 18. Still going. Back in gym today. 10k run. And totally knackered 🤣 All I really want to say today is that I'm so glad Ive stopped. Its bloody hard going. I find myself constantly feeling the urge to just let go, go back to where I was. To live as those versions of me. It's an addiction. I've never seen it more clearly, and the more the urge is on me, the more I'm determined to never go back. I'm still having trouble working out what to think about, so I've started preemptive study for my degree. I'm researching what my course will contain and reading the key principles. Walking home, I try to recall what I've read. Bloody frustrating it is. But at least it's real. I'm new at stopping, and not an expert or a jedi or anything. But I will say to all of you. It's harder out here, but it's worth it. Really. Keep happy all of you. S Well done I am so happy for you I have stopped for 2 days now and don't feel the need to daydream but it always makes its way back I do not mind at the moment if it does going through some of my issues that are in front of my mind at the moment. Saying that isn't great to have that positive attitude towards not giving into the urges and focusing on our lives. It is really worth it we all have to be in a place where we can work towards getting there as if anyone feels lonely or isolated etc... it will not work out as well for them but to know that we are not alone and always have the support by all here is very encouraging. :)
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Post by serenity on Nov 13, 2019 22:16:17 GMT
Day 19. Still going. I hope you're all alright out there. You brilliant, fantastic people. I'm not gonna bang on about how I'm doing,today. I'm the same. Tugged in different directions, but holding true because I have to. I just want to reinforce how much you've helped me, helped each other. Some posts Ive read refer to those of us who MD as broken, or something is wrong with us. I'm neither criticising those posters, nor am I suggesting they're in the wrong for holding those opinions. But we aren't broken. Bent all out of shape, maybe. But still standing. A lot of us have other issues. Anxiety, depression, fear. We have those, and MD, yet come here and tell our stories, ask each for help. The greatest display of strength is to make oneself weak, to make oneself vulnerable. Everyone on here, every poster, every storyteller :be proud of yourselves and take pride in whst you've done. Just because you haven't won yet doesn't mean thst the fight itself should be ignored or devalued. Stay safe. S
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Post by serenity on Nov 14, 2019 22:32:56 GMT
Day 20. Still going. Just a quick one today, as shattered. Prepping for charity run has wiped me, in a good way. Hope you're all ok out there. Keep safe, keep strong. Keep hope x S
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Day One
Nov 15, 2019 22:41:55 GMT
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Post by serenity on Nov 15, 2019 22:41:55 GMT
Day 21. I can't believe it's been three weeks. I've lived so long in my own head. Even walking from room to room, I'd snatch at brief moments. Now I'm three weeks in. The urge is still there. Probably always will be. But I'm so enjoying not hiding anymore. I'm socially anxious, admittedly, which is odd as I didn't used to be. I guess i lost track of how to talk to folks, in person anyway. In my MD I always had the smart answer, the retort. I'm nervous and anxious all the time, but at least I can feel being anxious and nervous. MDD, for me, was like anaesthesia. Aside from when my boys were around. Incandescent little stars that ground me. I don't know if I'm making sense. I'm not really experiencing the positives, yet, as such, except when little guys are near - but that was always the case. But even feeling the negatives is feeling. Really feeling. Like holding a hot stone in my hand. I was walking down the street earlier, and one of my trigger songs started PLAYING through my headphones. I remembered the scenarios associated with it and thought, 'I'll never feel like that again'. But then, the strangest thing. I thought, 'but you never really felt like that. Never happened'. It was , but I really feel I'm divorcing myself from my MDD. I genuinely have hope, which is a remarkable thing. 35 years plus, and now I'm finally waking up. Im sorry if that was more ramble-y than usual. Just getting used to about things in front of me. I hope you're all safe, and I hope this diary shows it can be beaten. At least, for three weeks. Best and hope. S
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Day One
Nov 16, 2019 23:11:39 GMT
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Post by serenity on Nov 16, 2019 23:11:39 GMT
Day 22. Still going. Completed first part of treatment programme. Anyone else doing it? Glad I signed up, although I'm I'll be much use as I'm going cold turkey, and it seems that I'm needed to be logging hours per day etc. Probably not gonna supply much useful data to the team. Doing OK today. Still having urge to immerse but not giving in. Playing xbox, cooked nuclear chicken for friends, watching horror movies. Hope you're all well and safe out there. S
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Post by alvi on Nov 17, 2019 0:40:55 GMT
Day 22. Still going. Completed first part of treatment programme. Anyone else doing it? I'm doing it but I have a slight issue when logging the times. Even when I'm not stopping to daydream deeply I still have some sort of daydream running in the back of my mind even during conversations. I zone out so frequently its hard to submit a time as its pretty much just constant.
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Day One
Nov 17, 2019 17:24:32 GMT
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Post by serenity on Nov 17, 2019 17:24:32 GMT
Day 23. I'm still going. It's still tough, but I won't give in. My friend stayed over last night. The one I told about my MDD. She is constantly telling me she's proud of me, and to keep going. I cannot put this in to appropriate words, but if you have a friend who you can truly trust, and tell anything, having them in your corner when attempting to end this is beyond value. I'm 8 days off my gold chip. Gonna treat myself to a fine bourbon to celebrate. That's a thought, though. I'm on day 22,and day 20 without any alcohol. Not that I have an issue with booze or anything, but I do enjoy a bevarage. It's helped me to not MDD by not losing control. Was difficult not to MD when was in Manchester at work ceremony. Drink didn't help, so decided a month off the sauce. I figure I'm stronger when have all my wits about me. So. Here's today's takeaway. Stopping MD, for me, is easier, with no drink and talking to my friend. Maybe will work for some of you. Anyway. Stay safe you amazing, creative, brilliant folks. S
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Post by serenity on Nov 22, 2019 20:32:20 GMT
Day 28. Still going. Signed officially for psychology degree. Started reading up. It's funny. It feels like the brainpower I was using for MD has been repurposed. If any one needs a reason to quit MD, I offer this: Just being awake, present, and achieving even only an application. It's like the pleasure I took in MD was fool's gold, and now I'm seeing the real thing. It tugs at me all of the time. The places, characters, unresolved stories. But I am never going back. Oh, I'll be adding a just giving page to my profile on Monday. Have a look if you feel like, and pass on face book etc if you reckon is something you'll support. Stay safe out there. X S
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Post by serenity on Nov 24, 2019 16:44:20 GMT
Day 30! I made it. Guess I'm gonna buy myself a chip now. Its doable. Part of me is still screaming to go back inside my heart. All my triggers and cues still very much intact. But I'm here. Was listening to evanescence earlier. The song 'Imaginary'. Despite all my time in MD I'd never noticed that the lyrics, to me, are about hiding away. No more hiding. Friday, I sorted out a financial matter I'd been hiding from. In my imagination it was going to be terrifying. It wasn't. I think that's the thing with MD. It's not on our side. We feed it by creating wonderful worlds to live in, and it keeps us there by using the same power of imagination to distort our real lives. Making demons out of thin air to frighten us into remaining. 8 could have applied for funding years ago, for college. Yet I imagined approaching the finance people, having dropped out previously, would lead to calls for repayment immediately, or I'd somehow broken some law. I could have sorted my credit card issue, but was terrified for same reason. We create beauty inside, yet terror outside. Why ever we start, once we're in we feed our own insecurities and pain. I'm out and never going back. I hope this has relevance to you, out there. The world can be a bad place, but it's survivable. Your strong enough to fight back back, and reclaim your lives. Good luck and stay safe out there. Best x S
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Day One
Nov 24, 2019 17:17:27 GMT
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Post by dragontooth00 on Nov 24, 2019 17:17:27 GMT
I’m so proud of you!! on a month free! Go get that chip, my dude, you heckin earned it! :D
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Post by Herro on Nov 24, 2019 19:12:15 GMT
Wow, I'm really impressed. Great job! I'd never heard of the song. I just listened to it and I like it.
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