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Day One
Oct 26, 2019 18:50:19 GMT
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Post by serenity on Oct 26, 2019 18:50:19 GMT
Hey all. I'm trying to stay outside of my head, today. It's been one whole day, without MDD. It's tough. I've found myself consciously 'No!' when I've felt myself withdrawing. I'm very panicky, admittedly. Thoughts such as 'who am I?' without my MDD self. Given the time I've been experiencing MDD, another anxiety relates to leaving behind the volume of 'experiences' I've had. Despite never having had them. Another part is the (false) feeling of abandoning 'people' who've been with me for years. I'll admit, there is a lot of internal conflict. But, in pushing through. I think a glass of red and 'The Man From Earth' (my comfort food movie), then an early night. Just worried about actually going to bed, as that's where I tend to immerse myself deepest, as a means of dropping off. Oh well. Good this far. If you are reading this, thoughts would be welcome. I guess just keeping a diary here will serve to keep ne on a straight line. Be well, all.
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Post by serenity on Nov 5, 2019 20:22:02 GMT
Day 11. Still going. Had a rough experience last night, a friend in a bad place. Circumstance occurred which left me panicking. But I'm OK. With all my defences down, and im still keeping going. I think the takeaway is that we're stronger than we think. We hide in dreams because we believe we don't have the strength to stand upright in the real world. We consider our dreams a safe place, but they aren't. They're what keep us from seeing who we really are and, more importantly, who we could be. I know some people enjoy their dreams, God knows, I did. This isn't taking anything away from those folks, not saying they're wrong. Different people, different needs. But for those, like me, who have hidden away and wish to stop, believe me. Its hard, it's a fight, and it hurts to stop. But it is brilliant being clear. I hope I stay this way. Good luck you brilliant, amazing people. S X
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Post by serenity on Nov 6, 2019 22:07:17 GMT
Day 12. Still going. Rewarded myself with a majorly decadent burger for dinner. Kind of what I've decided. For every week I stay present, gonna have a treat. I'm having a dry month (no beer) as I'm running a Xmas 5k in December in a Santa suit. Somehow fits my sense of humour perfectly. Me n a friend from work. Doing it for a local refuge for women and kids. My employer will double what we raise. I enjoy running, anyway, and figure may as well do something kind for folks whilst doing so. I recommend running on a treadmill if you're trying to quit. I sometimes MDD'd when running, but mostly I focus on the distance, the time, and the music I listen to. Certain bands trigger my MDD, but others don't. My running playlist tends to include the latter. I run 10k every day, in gym after work, but not on weekends. Looking down and seeing the 10,000 metres, the time, the calories burned: such a feeling of accomplishment. Couple that with the post-exercise endorphins. Great feeling. Thank you all again, with all my heart, for giving me a place to speak. Stay safe out there, you awesome shiny people. S
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Post by katie on Nov 6, 2019 23:40:41 GMT
Day 12. Still going. Rewarded myself with a majorly decadent burger for dinner. Kind of what I've decided. For every week I stay present, gonna have a treat. I'm having a dry month (no beer) as I'm running a Xmas 5k in December in a Santa suit. Somehow fits my sense of humour perfectly. Me n a friend from work. Doing it for a local refuge for women and kids. My employer will double what we raise. I enjoy running, anyway, and figure may as well do something kind for folks whilst doing so. I recommend running on a treadmill if you're trying to quit. I sometimes MDD'd when running, but mostly I focus on the distance, the time, and the music I listen to. Certain bands trigger my MDD, but others don't. My running playlist tends to include the latter. I run 10k every day, in gym after work, but not on weekends. Looking down and seeing the 10,000 metres, the time, the calories burned: such a feeling of accomplishment. Couple that with the post-exercise endorphins. Great feeling. Thank you all again, with all my heart, for giving me a place to speak. Stay safe out there, you awesome shiny people. S That's is great that you are treating yourself for your hard work. I think myself and Sam said exercise is a good way to produces endorphins which is good that you are seeing that you get it in a good way. Plus its healthy to daydream and as long as its not overtaking any of your life and your still out and living your life its really good. So well done. I still daydream a good bit but have so much going on in between so I give myself time to do so to self regulate again as I am going through a lot with my mental health and its my way of keeping me sane if that makes sense as I suffer with psychosis episodes and when I feel like I am not in control or something goes wrong I get anxious and then fear my psychosis may come back. I am happy that my friends are including me in everything and I never say no to a concert or a holiday if I can go. So a lot to look forward too. keep it up. :) X x
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Post by fellowmder on Nov 7, 2019 8:14:13 GMT
Day two. It's weird. I feel better, but I have this nagging feeling that there's something I should be doing. I've felt my triggers, really noticed them. Music, stimuli from TV. It really is amazing,that in trying to stop I feel the pressure to MDD acutely. A few times, like yesterday, I've felt the pull, the conditioned response to submerge. I've actually said 'no' out loud a few times. The worst part is that everything feels muted, less dramatic. That I'm just a regular guy, not any of the things I've been in my MDD. Depriving myself of my inner world is triggering my anxiety, but I guess there was always gonna be a price to pay. That being said, I've gotten a bunch done today. Chores and such. Taking pride in having done them, and being 'present' whilst doing so. Never thought housework would be a victory, but I guess you take the win where you can. If anyone is reading this, I hope it illustrates that one can, with effort, redefine their relationship with the imagination. I know it's early, only two days. But I have hope, and that'll (hopefully) get me through tomorrow. I'll check in tomorrow. you know your posts are really inspiring for people like me. I have read someone stating that if they have the power to motivate others then they should never lose hope in themselves or their work. It goes same for u as well. Great to know you are doing well. All the best
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Post by fellowmder on Nov 7, 2019 8:27:59 GMT
Day 7. Very rough day. Haven't given in though. On a trip to Manchester UK. Work award ceremony. Realised how lonely a hotel room is when your outside your own head. As for the do itself, in an hour, dreading. Usually I'd fake interest, smile etc, as what they say rarely interests. Not in a conceited way, its just their conversation, their jokes, not interesting. And not less interesting than my MDD worlds. Just, really dull. I think MDD desensutizes you to everyone. I'm a week in, and more awake than I've been in decades,but finding myself uninterested. There is an age gap with most of them and those similar to my age seem intent on mimicking the yahoo, drinking-culture behaviour. I knew I should have picked a different week to stop sniffing glue (Google it, if you're worried, it'll make sense)!. May post another day seven later, after the do. Can anyone else relate though? That they have difficulty being interested in mainstream culture and conversation? Good luck everyone, and best wishes. S ya, totally. Rather i feel very lonely when my, maybe friends, start talking things except our studio or essay work. I am a first year college student who forgot living her life in the midst of convincing others that she is a good student. I don't remember any instance of the past three years where i did something else except movies and music that cultivated any interest within me. It always seemed like i were proving people that i was worth being in that real world of theirs or just getting approved of my life. I thought MDd will leave me behind as the college starts. I don't know if it has but the repercussions of daydreaming and the, you know that gap that you find amongst yourself and others, amid a daydreamer and a usual teenager. I feel it all the time. I cannot mix up with them cause they have a past they can talk about, be proud of. I seem to have nothing but a fake back pack of conversations that i had in my daydreams that will never come true. I don't know how much of this is relevant to your post but thanks for reading
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Sasha
Junior Daydreamer
School is life
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Post by Sasha on Nov 8, 2019 0:31:14 GMT
Rooting for you! Thank you for your posts, you have inspired me! I also signed up for the online treatment study. Have you heard back from them yet?
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Post by serenity on Nov 8, 2019 20:01:12 GMT
Days 13 and 14.Still going. Ended up cooking for a few folks last night, and watching a movie. Fell asleep on sofa. All good here. Great in fact. Decided to call Student finance in UK, yesterday. I dropped out of college years ago before finishing. What with getting my life together, figured I'd see if they are willing to contribute anything, despite my previous dropping out. Wasn't hoping for much, if anything. Turns out, they will entirely cover tuition fees for degree. I was stunned. So, I signed up today for Bsc Psychology degree today. Home learning over three years. Figure I'd like to qualify, and maybe help folks. Folks like me. Combined degree with counselling. I could have done this sodding years ago, but didn't think of checking. So. Doing well, but still tough. I hope you're all doing well out there, you brilliant people. Have a great weekend. S
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Day One
Nov 8, 2019 23:13:02 GMT
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Post by serenity on Nov 8, 2019 23:13:02 GMT
Rooting for you! Thank you for your posts, you have inspired me! I also signed up for the online treatment study. Have you heard back from them yet? Hi Sasha. Thanks for your kind words:believe me, they help. I haven't heard from online group yet. Presuming they're collating applicants. I imagine there's a fairly massive candidate base to go through. It's funny. Until recently, thought MDD was just me. Now I see an entire community of amazing people suffering the same challenges. But we'll win. The good guys always do. S
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Post by Sam on Nov 9, 2019 4:58:25 GMT
Days 13 and 14.Still going. Ended up cooking for a few folks last night, and watching a movie. Fell asleep on sofa. All good here. Great in fact. Decided to call Student finance in UK, yesterday. I dropped out of college years ago before finishing. What with getting my life together, figured I'd see if they are willing to contribute anything, despite my previous dropping out. Wasn't hoping for much, if anything. Turns out, they will entirely cover tuition fees for degree. I was stunned. So, I signed up today for Bsc Psychology degree today. Home learning over three years. Figure I'd like to qualify, and maybe help folks. Folks like me. Combined degree with counselling. I could have done this sodding years ago, but didn't think of checking. So. Doing well, but still tough. I hope you're all doing well out there, you brilliant people. Have a great weekend. S This is awesome! I'm actually also in the process of starting an online degree. And its, like, extra awesome that your tuition will be completely covered, I know college can be expensive as hell.
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Post by serenity on Nov 9, 2019 18:20:44 GMT
Day 15.Still going well, still no MDD. Off to see Terminator tonight. Getting out of house. Can't believe I've gone over two weeks. It's not getting easier, but getting more bearable if that makes sense? Really focusing on the here and now. I'm excelling at work, and really consolidating my friendships. I really want to say, and I've said it before, but thank you to DDIB, and everyone on here for giving me a place to talk about this. You're helping me. I'm truly grateful. Stay safe and amazing. S
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Post by james on Nov 10, 2019 17:02:30 GMT
Hey junior I’m a middle aged bloke from Yorkshire in the uk My name is James Like many of us childhood trauma began all this I agree with every word you said Been doing this 40 years Movies , music , walking, shopping , driving classic triggers Use to time my MD to fit it into spaces in day Vacant look , frustrating if I got disturbed Tapping clicking the works My Md world collapsed not out of choice Forced into some insurance medical tests All turned out physically fine However brain imploded , seriously, had no idea who I was , every word I ever uttered seemed borrowed No personality, no courage , way beyond depressed, alcohol hit hard Don’t know how to exist on planet earth Preferred my safe place to hide Don’t know what i am now Trying to stay clean , go forward, survive Just wanted to cheer you on and let you know your not alone Best wishes James
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Day One
Nov 10, 2019 17:25:15 GMT
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Post by serenity on Nov 10, 2019 17:25:15 GMT
Hey mate, hope you are well. Mirror most of what you said. I'm 16 days, forcibly, without M D. Scary world without and, like you, massively uncertain who I am without it. But that's my takeaway. I get to try and find out. I find this forum to be amazing. Folk with stories like mine, like yours. And amazing, brilliant people who support and help just by being there. We'll beat this, and make the real world as incredible, if not more, than any construct. Keep going mate. And thanks for sharing. Know how hard it is, even under a pseudonym. Best. S
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Post by fellowmder on Nov 11, 2019 13:20:42 GMT
Days 13 and 14.Still going. Ended up cooking for a few folks last night, and watching a movie. Fell asleep on sofa. All good here. Great in fact. Decided to call Student finance in UK, yesterday. I dropped out of college years ago before finishing. What with getting my life together, figured I'd see if they are willing to contribute anything, despite my previous dropping out. Wasn't hoping for much, if anything. Turns out, they will entirely cover tuition fees for degree. I was stunned. So, I signed up today for Bsc Psychology degree today. Home learning over three years. Figure I'd like to qualify, and maybe help folks. Folks like me. Combined degree with counselling. I could have done this sodding years ago, but didn't think of checking. So. Doing well, but still tough. I hope you're all doing well out there, you brilliant people. Have a great weekend. S i guess everyone is happy for this step that you have taken. we all are rooting for you. Thanks for giving me hope as well.
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Day One
Nov 11, 2019 21:00:01 GMT
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Post by serenity on Nov 11, 2019 21:00:01 GMT
Day 16 and 17. Still going. Odd thing is, been having really vivid dreams. And nothing symbolic. I've always had vivid dreams, but since I've stopped MDDing, is like my imagination is pooling it's resources for dreams. I'll take this as a win, though. The dreams are enjoyable, and I have no control over it, so won't count it as 'slipping'.Its still difficult. My triggers are still around me, and I find the urge to MDD is pulling at me. But I'm not giving in. I've achieved so much, relatively, since stopping. It's an addiction, one I've had since childhood. But I know I can never go back. I hope this doesn't across as negative. Giving up is the hardest yet best thing I've done in so long. Still in it, still loving being free of it. Keep safe out there x S
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Post by bee on Nov 11, 2019 21:36:59 GMT
Day 16 and 17. Still going. Odd thing is, been having really vivid dreams. And nothing symbolic. I've always had vivid dreams, but since I've stopped MDDing, is like my imagination is pooling it's resources for dreams. I'll take this as a win, though. The dreams are enjoyable, and I have no control over it, so won't count it as 'slipping'.Its still difficult. My triggers are still around me, and I find the urge to MDD is pulling at me. But I'm not giving in. I've achieved so much, relatively, since stopping. It's an addiction, one I've had since childhood. But I know I can never go back. I hope this doesn't across as negative. Giving up is the hardest yet best thing I've done in so long. Still in it, still loving being free of it. Keep safe out there x S My dreams get more vivid if I don't daydream, too. It's really strange, isn't it? Keep going serenity! :-)
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